Quotation Marks – Sodium pentathol, potatoes, and pitchforks

This week, Ilsa seeks compliance, Jillian makes demands, and American Idol has a bad experience. I’ll never understand why people enjoy watching the train wreck that is the “bad auditions” on Idol. Between these, and Steven Tyler, though, it sure does make for some great quotes!

Human Target (Review) and (Review)

“So I guess you’re a love expert now? What, are you waiting for me to give you an apology for doubting you?” — Winston
“Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” — Chance

“Maybe it was a drive-by; I did have rap on in the car.” — client Bob, trying to figure out why someone was shooting at him … incidentally, the rap was “Bust A Move”

“Still, actuary tables show that married people tend to live long lives.” — Guererro to Winston, after he complains about what he doesn’t miss about being married
“Says the guy who tends to make people live shorter lives.” – Winston

“This will render him compliant?” – Ilsa, asking about the sodium pentathol
“This will render him mush … at least for a little while. Chatty, disoriented, incapable of concealing the truth. Essentially, he’ll be Ames.” – Guerrero

Being Human (Review)

“We’re not quite real, are we?” – Josh

Gossip Girl (Review)

“It’s got to be a clean fight. Do you understand that, as a concept?” — Dan, to Blair, with regard to a work-related competition

“That dreck puts the ‘ick’ in ‘esoteric.'” — Blair, to Dan, about the film Scorpio Rising

“Mom paid someone off again. Well! We should make this a drinking game.” — Eric

“You say ‘potato,’ judge says ‘pedophile.'” — Damien to Ben, regarding Ben’s jail sentence

The Bachelor

“And it just feels like someone just punched me in the stomach. And the heart.” – Ashley S., after being sent home by Bachelor Brad

The Biggest Loser (Review)

“Pick me up right now. RIGHT NOW. Pick me up now. Now means now.” — Jillian to the long-suffering but game green Jen

The Late Late Show

“That’s an attempt to deodorize the funk of the text. You can’t do that.” – Dr. Cornel West, answering Craig Ferguson’s question about the removal of the n-word from Huckleberry Finn.

American Idol (Review) and (Review)

“… completely and utterly hetero-sexual … just wanted to put that out there …” — Contestant during audition

“Is there a song called Watch Me Leave … ???” — Randy Jackson to a particularly bad contestant after her audition

“Where is your pitchfork, you little devil? — Steven Tyler to a female contestant

“I’m dyin’ inside. …” — Contestant singing
“So am I. …” — Randy Jackson in response
” … and nobody knows it but me. …” — Contestant, still singing
“I’m not sure about that. …” — Randy, responding once more

“That was sick good … that was sick good … I wanna here you play that now. …” — Steven Tyler to Casey Abrams

“I’ve never been chased by a contestant with a microphone.” — Randy Jackson after delusional contestant Tynesha Roches’ audition

“Randy, you messed with the wrong person. We beefin’ now. Put me on next year and maybe we can squash the beef. But for now we beefin’.” — Delusional contestant Matt “Big Stats” Frankel

“I hear a voice … but I don’t think you’re ready for 2011, 12 or 13 of American Idol. …” — Steven Tyler

“Wow … talk about delusional people.” — Randy Jackson

Top Chef (Review)

“I’m sorry Angelo, but your dish looks like a bag of vomit.” – Fabio

“How could three culinary professional fuck up the pasta course? This looks like something you’d find at the steam table at your worst enemy’s wedding!” –Anthony Bourdain

“Fabio’s polenta wiped away the stain of the previous course. I feel better about the world now.” –Anthony Bourdain

Vampire Diaries (Review)

“I can’t believe it. Elena is my sister’s husband’s brother’s daughter and her mother is my boyfriend’s deceased wife. You can’t make this stuff up.” – Jenna

“You better watch your back. Because I may just have to go get a hero haircut of my own and steal your thunder.” – Damon to Stefan

30 Rock (Review)

“Actors deserve gifts. Without us, who would present awards to actors?” — Tracy

“We need a button that switches from pornography to basketball immediately. What you have isn’t fast enough. My kids are starting to ask questions that I can’t answer.” — Pete, pitching an idea to Jack

“It would allow parents to erase racy content, like soccer or a woman stuffing a turkey.” — Hank Hooper, on the idea to block half the TV picture with a black bar

Supernatural (Review)

“So what kind of thing likes virgins and gold?” — Sam
“P. Diddy?” — Dean

“This can’t be possible.” — Sam
“Try me.” — Dean
“I Googled ‘fire’, ‘claws’, ‘flying’, ‘stealing virgins’ and ‘gold’, and it all takes me to the same place.” — Sam
“Where?” — Dean
“World of Warcraft fan sites.” – Sam

“She was already de-hymenated. I think it just goes to show that being easy is all upside.” – Dean

“They’re not like the Loch Ness Monster, Dean. Dragons aren’t real.” – Bobby
“Could you make a few calls?” – Dean
“To who, Hogwarts?” – Bobby

“Where’d you get that?” – Dragon, asking about Dean’s sword
“ComiCon.” – Dean

Californication (Review)

“On the bright side it makes the whole monkey thing a bit less of a snafu, doesn’t it?” – Hank, upon finding Ziggy dead

Cougar Town (Review)

“Tomorrow is St. Valentine’s Day. What saint decided that women have to put out just because some idiot bought them an $8 teddy bear?” – Ellie

“You know what I’d really like, Trav? A sexy picture.” — Kirsten
“What, like Ryan Reynolds riding a horse or something?” — Travis

White Collar (Review)

“The FBI has a gem vault, and you didn’t tell me?” –  Neal
“Like giving an alcoholic a drink.” – Peter

“In my field it’s rare to be recognized for your work.” – Collins the smuggler to Peter, after Peter compliments him

Community (Review)

“This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders!” – Troy