Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me

“One study even claimed that people with positive initials like A.C.E. or W.I.N. lived a few years longer than the guy who’s monogram spelled, say, P.I.G.”

Another shady, unreferenced, suspect, no-name study. *sigh* Except for Allan Crosby Edwards who broke his neck at 16 years of age in that high dive accident at school … or William Ian Neville who accidentally got hit by that bus while riding his bike and was killed instantly. Their “A.C.E.” and “W.I.N.” initials didn’t do them any favors, did they? This is the shoddiest piece of information I’ve ever heard used to bolster a story. It’s akin to believing in your horoscope. It’s crap, plain and simple. If you’re going to be that superstitious that your initials are something other than simply your initials, you’re just feeding your fears needlessly.

“No wonder name regret is on the rise. In one survey, more than half of parents wish they’d chosen different names for their kids, either because the name became too popular — I’m looking at you Jaden and Sophie — or the name just didn’t fit their little ones.”

Bullshit. If name regret is truly on the rise, it’s because parents aren’t thinking things through and they’re stupid boneheads. I named my son “Ryne” (pronounced “rhine” as in “wine”) because I liked it, it was unique and I’d never heard it outside the Chicago Cub’s second baseman, Hall of Famer Ryne Sandburg who was a hero of mine. I did have a slight misgiving in so naming him, however — all through school, many of his friends and others mistakenly called him “Ryan” to which he and I continually made corrections. Despite this little throwaway aside, I don’t have any “name regret.” I’m rather proud of his uncommon moniker.

Yes, it’s important for parents to consider the possible various ramifications and potential social awkwardness which might arise from naming a kid, say, “Harry” — especially if the family line tends toward the hirsute. And it’s not just consideration of names fit for little ones. Think about stigmas that could arise as teens … in high school … in the real world as adults. You have to remember, though: There is no real manual for being a parent. Sometimes you have to go with your gut, do the best you can and be as intelligent as you can be. And other times, there is just no recourse in having a particular name. All through grade school and junior high I was called “No Balls” incessantly and I turned out fine. (Some might disagree.)

“A hundred years ago, the majority of babies got their names from about 200 of the most common handles, like John and Mary. Now, there are books called “100,000 Plus Baby Names” and “Beyond Ava and Aiden.” I’m afraid of what lies beyond Ava and Aiden but I’m sure I’ll hear it on the playground and it will contain an accent aigu.”

I can tell you this from experience: It’s actually kind of fun to go through baby naming books, if for no other reason than to come across something you may have thought of before that perhaps slipped your mind. Then, you can discover a worthy label that seems to fit just right, something you’d be proud to name your kid. There’s nothing wrong with the names John or Mary or Ava or Aiden. If that’s your bent and desire, who is anyone to tell you otherwise?

“My husband and I easily agreed on a name. Here are a few guidelines we followed: 1) Don’t name a kid after yourself. And I’m talkin’ to the guys who pull this one in the name of family tradition. You say potato, I say narcissistic. 2) Roman numerals belong after popes and Super Bowls. 3) Trends are for fashion week. If you call out to your kid named Jackson or Emma, you will be stampeded by children with the same name. 4) And naming someone after a western state like Dakota or Montana never works out well.”

Faith Saile’s “guidelines” may have been good for both she and her husband, but that doesn’t mean they’ll work for anyone else. There’s nothing wrong with naming a kid after yourself,  family traditions or Roman numerals if that’s what you want. Trends? Who gives a rat’s ass? Trends be damned if you’re set on or have always been set on a names that are the current nom de jour, be they “Jackson” or “Emma.” So what if a stampede of kids comes at you when you call your kid? Are you that fragile something so trivial is going to damage your delicate sensibilities?

And look out for the dripping sarcasm here: “Dakota” certainly hasn’t worked for American jazz artist Dakota Stanton or actress Dakota Fanning, has it?

For the record, I would never (yes, never) have named my kid “Faith” … but that’s just me. That’s not a slam on Ms. Saile’s name  — something she did throughout her report, if you think about it. It’s just a personal preference.

“Our son’s name begins with an “A” and it contains three syllables. When we share it, people always ask: “And what will you call him?” as if three syllables are too much for a boy. The kid’s going to have to handle a lot more than that. We’re hyphenating his last name because, after all, we are both his parents and both our surnames begin with an “S.” Thank goodness for middle names.”

This was the best part of the report for me. Think about it: It’s not, and never was, about her unborn son’s initials being a problem. It’s about her perception of what those initials stand for. The thing is, no matter what she does to circumvent it, she’s going to continually tell the tale of how a hyphen just had to be inserted in junior’s name so he doesn’t look like an “ass.” Here’s a thought: If the name wasn’t hyphenated to begin with because of the all-important need to have both surnames included, there wouldn’t be a issue. You created your own set of circumstances, Faith. Personally, I think hyphenating names is narcissistic in and of itself. Forget naming your kid after yourself being narcissistic; if you’re so wrapped up in what a kid’s monogram is going to look like — something that will most likely have no bearing whatsoever on a person in this day and age — you’ve got bigger problems than worrying about accent aigus. Because, really: Aren’t hyphenated surnames just as pretentious as using accent marks, especially in the United States?

Look: I’m not going to be so audacious as to offer “guidelines” to anyone for naming their kid, their dog or their invisible coin-flipping pal who sits on their shoulder and tells them right from wrong.

But I will throw out a handy, dandy piece of advice for anyone who has a kid on the way or is planning on having any: Shoot for a monosyllabic first name. Such names are simple, direct, short and are usually pretty difficult to screw up when you’re yelling at your child when s/he does something wrong:

“THOK … !!! You’re not in the cookie jar again… ARE you … ?!?”

Quotes:

“I’d say ‘Hitler’ would be an unfortunate name.” — Keith in e-mail discussion with other Clackers on this report

Clacked by Michael Noble
on Apr 17, 2012 @ 15:09 EST5EDT