Quotation Marks – Mad Men, Vampire Diaries and Happy Endings

Last week marked the moment that many have been waiting for, the return of Mad Men (And by many, I mean sixteen). I like to give the show a hard time, but unlike the vast majority of people in the United States, I have actually watched it before I have come to my final opinion. Don’t worry, for the rest of us, we’ve got some great stuff from The Vampire Diaries, Happy Endings and 30 Rock.

Mad Men (Review)

 “Why don’t you sing like that?” — Roger, to his wife Jane, as they watch Megan serenade Don for his birthday
“Why don’t you look like him?” — Jane

“What is wrong with you people? You’re all so cynical! You don’t smile, you smirk!” – Megan

Vampire Diaries (Review)

“I hear you had a run-in with Buffy the Vampire.” — Caroline, to Alaric, about Rebekah knocking him out

Grimm (Review)

“Now … I know it’s not equal trade for my life, but I just wanted to say I’m glad you know how to clock a dude with a brick …” — Monroe as he gives a bouquet of flowers to Rosalie

Supernatural (Review)

“I mean, can you even get drunk anymore? It’s kind of like drinking a vitamin for you, right?” — Sam to Dean

 Happy Endings (Review)

“Serbian tradition. We always do things early because we never know when we’re going to have to pack up and murder a populace.” — Jane on why her fake baby shower is so early

Castle (Review)

“It makes you think about all of those things in your own life that you don’t want to put off anymore.” – Beckett, speaking of how people react to tragedy

“Nobody’s tomorrows are guaranteed, right? Wouldn’t it better to tell her, even if the timing is wrong, than never to tell her at all?” – Martha
“But what if she isn’t ready?” – Castle
“Then she never will be … and you move on.” – Martha

“These are ‘emergency cheering-up pancakes.’ I mean, these are usually reserved for after breakups or Dancing with the Stars eliminations. What’s the occasion?” – Castle

Big Bang Theory (Review and more quotes)

“You can raid my fridge anytime you want.” — Penny
“Oh, that’s very kind of you.  Next time I have a hankerin’ to wash down a D-cell battery with an old jar of pickle juice, I’ll come a’knockin’.” — Sheldon

“Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own sundae bars end in happiness.” — Sheldon

“You went to the comic book store by yourself?” — Leonard
“Yeah, it was fun.  I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks.  Felt pretty good.” — Penny

“Once you open the box, it loses its value.” — Leonard
“Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity.  Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.” — Penny

“Goodie, goodie, goodie.  This is wrong.  This is wrong.  I’m so excited, but this is wrong.  I’m gonna do it.  I’m doing it.  I did it. … Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like.” — Sheldon

 “Well, there’s a rumor back in New Delhi that you’re how, should we say, comfortable in a sari.” — Raj’s Date

“That’s disappointing.  You were exactly the kind of phony bologna husband I was looking for.” — Raj’s Date
“Thank you, and once again, my bologna likes girls.” — Raj

“Relax, I’m just looking at the box.” — Penny
“Perhaps you should look with your eyes and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.” — Sheldon

Community (Review)

“I am not a whore! And, not that I’ve done the math, but if I were, I’d be the super-classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel!” – Britta

30 Rock (Review)

“Summer horse grave?” — Liz, reading the scent of her new meditation candle

“Meditate? Lemon, I once pantsed Deepak Chopra while Craig T. Nelson taped it. I don’t meditate.” — Jack

“Nice try Hazel, but you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran. You didn’t kill me when you had the chance.” – Jenna

Bob’s Burgers (Review)

“Louise! Guess which one of us ate catfood!” — Ollie to Louise as both he and Andy blow their breath at her

“Marco!” — Tina calling out in the pool
“Walberg!” — Gene responding

“Oh! Last night I dreamt I was breast-feeding Gene again and he had a long white beard like Santa Claus. Oh, it was freaky!” – Linda
“That could be our next Christmas card!” – Gene
“No.” – Bob
“Pleeeeeeeeeeease?” — Gene
“Noooooooo.” — Bob

CBS Sunday Morning (Review)

“And don’t forget Telstar, the first satellite to transmit television pictures. It looked like a disco ball and inspired bad music.” — CBS Sunday Morning’s Martha Teichner while chronicling the spirit of invention at Bell Laboratories

Psych (Review)

“How many potted plants does it take to spell loser?” – Lassiter

The Amazing Race   (Review)

“You want a million dollars, scrub a man’s junk.” — JJ, after completing the “Oil” portion of the Detour which required teams to scrape and wash black oil off of a spa-goer in Azerbaijan

Survivor (Review)

“Good luck with that food situation.” — Chef Jonas, after he was voted off the island

New Girl (Review)

“Your house guest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.” — Jess to the gang after glimpsing Dirk peeing

“Hey … when’s the last time you had mono?” [Nick shrugs]
“Tomorrow you’re going to say ‘Yesterday’ …” — Dirk to Nick as he plants seeds about picking up college girls

“How’s your prostate? I had my breast exam last weekend. Like … they’re fine. It’s just boob in there, but … we have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying …” — Jess to Russell over dinner (because prostates and breast exams make excellent dinner conversation)

“I’ve never jumped out of a moving car before! That was badass!” — Nick, drunk, jumping out of Russell’s parked car

“I don’t go on dates very often. Guys my age always want to skip the date and go right for the gold. Which I don’t give them, because I’m stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it.” – Jess

Raising Hope 

“I really should be Marcy. I’m the only one with an actual lesbian experience.” — MawMaw
“MawMaw, I told you before, watching Ellen doesn’t count as a lesbian experience.” – Virginia

Top Gear

“To everyone’s surprise, instead of heading to the closest Dairy Queen, he decided to compete in a professional truck race.” — Adam Ferrara on turning the show over to Rutledge Wood

“Have you heard of range anxiety?” — Rutledge Wood
“I have. That’s when you’re more than one mile from a Waffle House, right?” — Tanner Foust

In Plain Sight (Review)

“I can’t believe he went Costner on us … to be clear I’m talking Dances with Wolves Costner and not Tin Cup Costner or, you know, one of the ten baseball movies.” – Mary

“Hey, I know. What’s your spirit animal telling you?” – Mary
“I said my people believed that. As for me, I’m still in the market for a spirit animal. I had a hamster once, but then she ate her kids. Didn’t work out.” – Heather
“Jesus, what kind of Indian are you?” – Mary
“The underpaid kind.” – Heather

“Here’s what I don’t get: when did you become George Clooney to the Veronica Mars set?” – Mary to Marshall who hadn’t noticed the flirting from the younger officer
“Listen, puss out if you want, but these people shot my dad. I’m going after them with or without you.” – Heather
“Really? With what? We’ve got two six-shooters, zero horses between the three of us and nothing approaching an ace in the hole … I can’t believe I just said that; who am I?” – Mary