The new Dancing With the Stars cast is announced … and this is what we think

So who’s ready for another season of Dancing With the Stars? We are, we are! And now that we know who will be dancing this season, Tara and I decided to have our own virtual dance-off and we’ll take turns (or maybe even collaborate) dishing about the season. The producers have picked a wide range of talent, ages and levels of stardom. Some of the names were mighty famous back in the day, so they will certainly bring some nostalgia to the show for viewers of our age ranges (I’m sure I’m MUCH older than Tara!). Who’s on? Here’s the rundown with some of our “expert” input …

Gladys Knight (with Tristan MacManus)
Tara: Well, it’s no surprise that the DWTS producers have included an “older folk” as they have in past seasons with Buzz Aldrin and Cloris Leachmann and Florence Henderson etc. And Gladys is no stranger to movement or performing, so I’m on her side! (Plus, she always reminds me of this skit I did in high school where I dressed three guys up in velvet suits and hats with big feathers and I wore a rather slutty outfit and sang “Midnight Train to Georgia.” We called ourselves “Glad It’s Night and the Pimps.”)

Good times, good times. I say more power to Gladys, I really do.

Chuck: Okay, Miss Knight is at least a decade younger than those “older folk,” so we’ll cut her a little slack! “Midnight Train to Georgia” is one of my all-time favorite songs, and I’ve actually seen her in concert, so I am going to be rooting for her. I don’t know how far she’ll go, but I will be Team Gladys until she’s gone (and, come on, if Tristan could whirl Nancy Grace around the dancefloor, this should be a breeze).

Gavin DeGraw (with Karina Smirnoff)
Tara: I’m not a huge fan of his. I just find his music OK. But again I have to point out that musicians could always have an edge up on this show because of their natural rhythm. Or that premise could be proven utterly wrong as it was demonstrated by The Hoff and the ever bitter Michael Bolton. We’ll see.

Chuck: He’s a country singer, right? (Googling Gavin DeGraw) Whoops … a New York rocker?!? I have no idea who he is, but I’m sure Karina will make him rue the day he signed up. Swivel hipping ain’t the same as twinkle toe-ing!

Jack Wagner (with Anna Trebunskaya)
Tara: Jack’s also getting a bit up there, but I think he has an advantage with Anna who’s kind of a taskmaster. I predict she makes him cry like a little girl by episode three. He’s going to have his hands … um I mean feet full.

Chuck: I only know Jack from his fame more than his acting. I’ve never seen a soap he was on, I didn’t watch Melrose Place, so the only thing his casting makes me feel is wishfulness that Heather Locklear had been cast. He sings too, though (I vaguely remember some minor hit he had … don’t I?), so he will probably be able to manage a few steps under Anna’s tutelage.

Melissa Gilbert (with Maks)
Tara: Here’s my pony! I looooved Little House on the Prairie as a kid. I wanted to be Half Pint so bad I could taste it. (Even if I would’ve had to use an outhouse.) I think these two shall absolutely fly. Maks will push her, and she’ll pull out the resources she’s gathered from starring in all those weepy Lifetime movies to rise to the occasion. If I’m wrong, I’ll eat my hat.

Chuck: I like Melissa too, not that I ever watched Little House more than once with my grandma (it was the tornado episode and it made me cry when I saw some dead chickens with their feet up in the air, so that was the last time I watched), but I see good things with her and Maks … as long as he can keep his cool and not alienate the judges, Melissa, and the audience.

Sherri Sheppard (with Val HowEverYouPronounceIt)
Tara: She is going to go down early and lose a lot of weight. That is all.

Chuck: How is she going to lose a lot of weight if she goes down early???

Tara: From 8 hour a day rehearsals every day of the weeks she’s there, silly! Even if it’s only two or three? That’s a lot of calorie burning!

Chuck: I think she’s the Neicy Nash of this season. Girlfriend is going to be exhausted if she’s going to jet back and forth with her gig on The View. And the easiest way to remember Val’s name is just to call him “Maks’ brother.”

Jaleel White (with Kym Johnson)
Tara: I don’t like Jaleel White. I was on the set of Family Matters back in the day, and even though the rest of the cast let me interview them? He refused, as he stuck up his nose at PBS (who I was working for at the time). He was backstage in his Urkel costume just bitching at the crew right and left. He can bite me. In fact? I wish there was an anti vote number to call. I’d be dialing it, cancelling out any positive feedback.

Yes Chuck. Tara can be mean.

Chuck: Wow! I was all excited that Urkel was on the show, but now you’ve tarnished the image I had in my head. Poor Kym. Do you think he’ll make her cry? (Maybe they can bring in Kadeem Hardison if he gets too out of hand.)

Martina Navratilova (with Tony Dovalani)
Tara: Natural athletes do well usually. Yeah Martina has some age against her, but Tony’s a good partner. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Chuck: Athletes do well depending on their particular sport. Whatshername last season (the volleyball chick) never really loosened up, and I don’t think tennis is a sport that translates comfortably to ballroom dancing. And have the Million Moms protests started yet over her “controversial” casting? God forbid they run JCPenney commercials during the show too!

Maria Menounos (with Derek Hough)
Tara: I don’t know where the heck this chick has come from lately. But I’m starting to see her everywhere. She’s got the bod to shake, and believe me, Derek will capitalize on it in his choreography. Expect lots of sexiness.

Hey … I’ve heard it sells things.

Chuck: I vaguely know Maria from her entertainment TV gigs, but she will definitely bring the sex appeal to the show (she reminds me of Kelly Monaco), and I’m sure she’ll sizzle with Derek. But will the lack of name recognition with viewers hurt her?

Tara: Donald Driver, William Levy, Katharine Jenkins, and Roshon Fegan? Hell Chuck. Who are these people?

And this is where I’m on the side of the critics of this show who point out that usually these celebrities are marginal at best, and a lot of the times just head scratchers.

But we obviously know the reason. Really famous celebrities would rather have their hair extensions set on fire or french fries forced down their gullets than to be seen on DWTS. First of all, because they don’t need the publicity. And second of all because it’s grueling and takes up tons of time.

For those who need to lose seventy five pounds (Hi Kirstie Alley and Marie Osmond!) or are desperate to revive a sinking or already Titanic’ed career (waves to every other alumnus of the show) well … It’s A Good Thing.

Chuck: I have no idea who the last four are, but I have been told by my significant other that I should absolutely know who William Levy is. I don’t. I had to Google him too, and then I realized who he was. I only know him from the clips they used to show on The Soup of some telenovela he was on, and then he was in some JLo video (and was rumored to have come between her and Mark Anthony). He definitely brings the male sex appeal and his ace in the hole is his partner, Cheryl Burke.

But I agree — as much as the DWTS producers like to claim they’re getting bigger and better stars … we all know this is the best they’ve got. (And some B-listers use this to actually get some name recognition, like Chuck Wicks, Julianne Hough’s ex-boyfriend … and I’m lookin’ at you, DeGraw.) Perhaps they need to listen to Tom Bergeron and cut the show down to one season per year so they don’t completely wipe out the B-level celeb pool too soon.

So what do you guys think? Any favorites from this cast that you hope make it to the finals? Sound off in the comments section below and be sure to join us in March once the season gets rolling!

Clacked by Chuck Duncan
on Feb 29, 2012 @ 09:30 EST5EDT