Top Chef: Texas: The Almost Final Showdown

As we fade into the icy white of British Columbia, Sarah tells us she plans to be calm and be a really nice person … it’s good to have unattainable goals. The four final conchefstants (Paul, Beverly, Sarah, and Lindsay) head up Whistler Mountain for some fun skiing, I’d imagine, when they are shocked, shocked to discover Tom and Padma with a wacky new challenge! While riding a gondola up the slopes, they must prepare a dish — and then at the apex, jump out and grab a new ingredient, and then finish it off.

Isn’t it a bit late in the season for such a stupid, gimmicky challenge? This doesn’t prove anything except who gets motion sickness (Paul does — unfair! It’s like the producers are artificially creating difficulty for him — nah, what are the odds of that?). And yet, the judges, with guest Olympian Silver Medalist Gretchen Bleiler (silver? On the penultimate episode? Couldn’t they get a gold medalist?) literally (not literally) spit on Paul’s food and declare Lindsay’s salmon the winner of the Quickfire prize — which means she doesn’t have to cook in the next two qualifying challenges for the final. Wow, they really are crippling Paul here.

Enough of that nonsense, it’s time for some different nonsense! The Elimination Challenge starts with new guest judge John Montgomery, a gold medalist (Ah, there we are!). They must start on their dish, but wait for the wacky twist — the ingredients are all encased in ice! What a silly twist! This surely will present a good way to measure cooking skill! Beverly references 80’s classic warrior princess She-Ra — NICE! Sarah is terrified against going against Beverly, whom she compares to a cornered wild beast, ready to attack. And sure enough, Beverly is just attacking that ice like a madwoman, until finally even Paul can’t stand it and helps them out.

But about the food, you ask? Isn’t it hard to cook in freezing cold temperatures at high altitudes? Yes, actually. So who wins and won’t have to compete in the next round? It’s Paul, with his Poached King Crab, Toasted Almonds, Mango Chutney with Orange Marmalade! Wow, those producers tricked me! I thought he might not make the finals, and I’d end up watching the final episode with a grimace on my face. He’s off to Vancouver, with a very odd looking haircut. But in our final (of the episode) event, Beverly and Sarah face off! It’s the two hated rivals! They meet Cammi Granato, another gold medalist (nicely played, Top Chef!) for their challenge. And … dang it Top Chef, it’s another wacky challenge. They must literally ski through a course and shoot ingredients for their dish.

That’s just stupid. Well, apparently Sarah has shot a gun before (rigged?) and sure enough, her Braised Rabbit Leg and Heart wins out over Beverly’s Slow-roasted Arctic Char… aw, man! And look, even those cold-hearted judges Padma and Tom are teary-eyed (Gail is holding in the tears, I’d imagine). Which means our final Three Conchefstants are Paul, Sarah, and Lindsay! Let’s see what they do next week — as long as it’s not another wacky challenge, I’ll be ready to either be happy or annoyed at the ending. See you then!

Clacked by Jeremy Fogelman
on Feb 16, 2012 @ 04:40 EST5EDT