The Bachelor – Kiss of the Spider Woman

You know, educational opportunities often appear when you least expect them. My nana, a lifelong educator, was fond of saying “If you stop learning, you stop growing and start stagnating.” She used to tell me this when I was just a wee lass and I’ve never forgotten it. The fact that I knew what the word “stagnate” meant before I could tie my shoes was kind of weird, but I was a weird kid. What normal kindergartener names their dachshund Hamlet? But I digress. …

We lucky viewers (and I use the term “lucky” very loosely) were treated to a Reality Show biology lesson on this installment of The Bachelor. No, not THAT kind of biology lesson. Thank goodness. We were able to see up close and personal, over the course of two excruciating hours in beautiful Belize, a very specific type of reality program participant: a member of the Astermay Anipulatormay family, better known as a Master Manipulator. For the record, rather than being in Latin, Reality Show formal terms are in Pig Latin. Appropriate, no?

This Master Manipulator took shape in the form of Courtney the Model, who provided a classic example of how this particular beast works. She is of the genus Aftycray Ickchay (Crafty Chick). A unique creature to be sure.

The Aftycray Ickchay may not be the brightest sharpest pencil in the classroom, but what she lacks in intellectual prowess, she more than makes up for in street smarts. Case in point: look how Courtney the Model laid the groundwork for playing Bachelor Ben like a fiddle. With only six ladies left, time with the object of all their affections was becoming more precious. Pouting that she hadn’t had any alone time with Ben for weeks (skinny dipping, anyone?), she tossed around what we might consider earnest threats if we savvy viewers didn’t know any better. Courtney the Model was incensed that our Bachelor was out alone with her  mortal enemy Emily (who is from the family Artsmay Unnyfay Eservesday Etterbay, aka Smart Funny Deserves Better) and she monotonely pontificated that she didn’t know if she could bring him home to meet her family after this serious affront. After all, Emily said some pretty horrible things about her and how dare she and Ben knows how she feels and blah blah blah. There came a point during one of her soliloquies that I swear she morphed into Charlie Brown’s teacher. “Wah wah wah Emily wah wah wah mean wah wah insecure wah wah wah.”  During one of her talking head moments, she got teary, but was prepared (unlike the other girls) with Kleenex. Hmmm. Courtney’s as calculated as my 8th-Grade Algebra homework. Tsk. She also took to writing in her journal during this period of angst. I’d love to get a look at that thing, as I’m convinced it’s a mix of Unibomber-esque manifestos (mostly about Emily), yoga class notes and Hello Kitty doodles. Where’s Brad Womack‘s therapist when you need him. …

As fate (and the producers) would have it, Courtney the Model did receive a one-on-one date card and with that, she shifted gears — as she is wont to do — from passive aggressive to simply aggressive. The insecurity was replaced in a blink with gloating — a classic Aftycray Ickchay move. “It’s about time… he’s a smart boy. He listens.” This particular date was designed around climbing up and around some Mayan temple ruins. This convergence of the world’s most deplorable television show and ancient prophesy is the most concrete evidence yet, at least as far as I’m concerned that the Mayans may actually be right about the end of the world being nigh. The outtake at the end of the show featured the Disgusting Duo encountering a big ass tarantula on the steps of the temple. Courtney the Model took a liking to the hairy beast (the spider, not Ben, which is also telling. …) even letting it crawl on her arm and giving it a name. Juxtapose this with Kacie’s comments about wanting to squash the Black Widow spider (three guesses to whom she was referring) and we’ve got ourselves a nice animal metaphor for our Crafty Chick. Spider Woman. Tarantella. Predator. (My apologies to Sonia Braga for dragging her into this mess.)

While taking a break for a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou beside me in the wilderness, Courtney gave a master class in how to play your prey like a fiddle. She’s like an evil genius in Daisy Dukes. With the words “I lost the spark, babe” and a throwaway comment about not wanting to take him home to meet her parents — because she “doesn’t know” where they’re “at” — Courtney turned the tables on Ben. Whereas the other ladies act like he’s the second coming of Tim Tebow, our Miss Model put the ball in his court, manipulating things so he’s the one chasing, as opposed to being the one chased. Working a situation to her advantage. Another typical Aftycray Ickchay characteristic.

But it was during dinner that Courtney really laid things on thick. She described her relationship with the other women in the house as non-existent, despite her *cough* best efforts to get to know them *cough* and called them “vanilla” and “girls, not women,” then disclosed that most of her friends are men. Now, any dude with any sense at all would see a big RED FLAG here, but not Bachelor Ben. I suspect when she talks, he processes her speaking like Charlie Brown’s teacher, hearing what he wants to hear: “Wah wah wah hot model wah wah wah skinny dipping wah wah wah hot model.” Dinner ended with more platitudes shared and some smooches and then a talking head with Courtney making fake gun sounds, complete with a kill shot, as she acts out shooting down the other women. Perhaps this little show is indeed really about her “winning!” (tm Charlie Sheen) and not about true love after all … and water is wet, the sky is blue and Ben is an idiot.

It’s not enough for the Crafty Chick to be the center of attention in any situation in which she is present. She also likes to be the topic of conversation when she’s not even around. Here is where Courtney the Model really succeeds, personifying that saying about even bad publicity being good publicity. On Emily’s one-on-one date of cavorting around  town, lobster fishing and the requisite dinner, the aura of Courtney the Model loomed large. Natch, given Emily’s history of tattling on her to Ben. And on the group date, after swimming with sharks (no, real sharks. You-know-who was back at Bachelorette central, gloating.) Nicki and date rose recipient Kacie (now with no B) staged a Courtney-vention with the model-struck Bachelor. All for naught, though, as Courtney walked off with a rose and a family visit, as did Nicki, Lindzi (whose date, while rife with bad relationship metaphors that only jumping out of a plane into the ocean can foster, was refreshingly Courtney-free) and the aforementioned Kacie. Leaving Rachel and Emily the odd women out. Rachel was bereft with sadness and left in the usual ugly crying fashion. Emily was more philosophical, despite being heckled by Courtney (“See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.”) as she left the rose ceremony.  No one ever said the Crafty Chick was classy, y’all. You ladies dodged a huge bullet. Trust me. You were both too good for this nonsense.

Next week, we get to go a’visitin’ with Ben to see from whence the final four came, hometown-wise, check out their families and suss out what makes these chicks tick. Interesting doesn’t even cover it. Forward ho! (And no, for once I’m not talking about Courtney…)

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Feb 15, 2012 @ 22:41 EST5EDT