The Bachelor – Road trip to whine country

Picture it: The year 2112.  A time capsule from the year 2012 is opened cautiously by curious American college students studying sociological history. (Yes, I made that up. Call it creative license. But if it’s not already a real college major, it should be.) They sort through presidential campaign paraphernalia and London Summer Olympics press. And then they come to a disc with a label: The Bachelor: Ben Flajnik – Episode 2. They toss it into a vintage DVD player provided by whatever they’re calling the A/V Department in the year 2112 and settle in to watch.

Shock and awe and more shock fill the room…

Can you imagine this hot mess of a show being used as an “example” of what society was like here in the year 2012?

God bless America.

Heck, I’m in shock. And I watched the bloody thing in “real time.”

Holy cow. I’m almost at a loss for words. Almost.

It was one action-packed 120 minutes, wasn’t it? This installment gave us a lot of bang for our buck, as we were treated to a smorgasbord of…

… kids (who provided a very astute Greek chorus for the always-awkward-and-cutthroat first group date);

… animals (Bachelor Ben’s doggie, Scotch);

… culture (a world premiere play written, produced, cast and directed by the aforementioned kids);

… sports (a rousing game of Bikini Chicken Fight in the pool during the group date)

… cattiness (booze + free time + competitiveness + big personalities = ME-OW)

… making-out (Ben locked lips with at least four chicks, which is par for the Bachelor course)

… emotional breakdowns (booze +free time + insecurity + cattiness = weepy weepy)

So much action. So little substance.

The show broke with tradition by immediately sending the girls on the road to Ben’s favorite stomping grounds, Sonoma County, rather than keeping them ensconced at the Bachelor compound, You would have thought the Sonoma Chamber of Commerce was a sponsor of the show, given the number of times it was mentioned that THEY WERE IN SONOMA. However, on Kacie B. and Ben’s one-on-one date, there was practically no activity in the Sonoma Downtown Square, save for a couple of girls who knew Ben. I was afraid the place was on lockdown for an impending zombie invasion.  Perhaps the random baton twirling kept those zombies away. Must also admit that I was disappointed when the very manipulative home movies of Ben and Kacie were shown in that gorgeous old theatre – I was hoping for something a little more esoteric, like Rashomon or something by Ingmar Bergman. The producers missed the boat on this one, for while the home movies allowed Ben to show his sensitive side when he saw shots of his late father, a high-brow movie would have given our sweet but shallow couple the perfect excuse to make out. What? Lip locking is this show’s bread and butter, dontcha know.

Ben also had a one-on-one date with Courtney the Model. Yes, that is her name as far as I’m concerned because, Ben kept gushing about how beautiful she was and that she was a model and how they clicked and that she was a model and that he can’t believe that she was still available and did you know that she was a model?  It’s that wonderful time of the show when our Bachelors think below the belt and our boy Ben is no exception. Sigh.

Courtney the Model fancies herself to be a bit of a snarky, captivating mean girl, what with her cutting bon mots and ongoing put-downs of her fellow contestants. Her constant use of the word “winning” a la Charlie Sheen, flat vocal affect and hair twirling would seem to work against her own self-impression. Plus she looks like a brunette, slightly more worn Jessica Simpson and that just distracts from everything. You cannot spell “vapid” without “Courtney the Model is vapid.”

This date had a third wheel – Ben’s adorable dog Scotch. I was pleased to note that a vintner named his pooch after liquor, rather than something like Merlot or Gewürztraminer. Said date involved wining and dining al fresco, with a clothing change to mark the transition from afternoon to evening. There was some conversation, Ben being earnest and Courtney the Model trying to feign interest in what he was saying with her immovable forehead and dead eyes. This is what passes for the first stirrings of love on this show, y’all. The quickness with which these people confess that they’ve found the love of a lifetime can cause whiplash.

Both Kacie B. and Courtney the Model received roses after their dates. Quelle surprise. The balance of the crew, with a couple of exceptions – First Impression Rose recipient Lindzi being one – get to vie for the rest of the rosebush on a Big! Group! Date!  This trainwreck-waiting-to-happen revolved around the gang putting on a play called Prince Pinot of Bachelorville, written, directed, produced and cast by a group of local kids. The play was cute enough. It was a fairy tale of sorts that involved some kooky costumes and a plotline that frankly escaped me. But I don’t think that was the point.  The most notable “thing” about the whole escapade was Blakeley’s “attire” – a romper two sizes too small that left little to the imagination and emphasized her, um, cleavage. I’ve seen more clothing on the runway of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Between that and the scene in the play that called for Ben’s pants to be removed, leaving him in wool-covered (he was playing a sheep) shorts, I half expected Chris Hansen to be sitting at a kitchen table and asking them to have a seat when the show came back after the commercial break.

The Prince Pinot of Bachelorville cast party was a pool shindig. Bikinis, booze, baubles abounded and I couldn’t help watching closely to see if the combination of costume trinkets and chlorine would make anyone’s skin turn from “spray tan orange” to “cheap jewelry green.” Sadly, all the candlelight made it impossible for me to get a good look. Earnest redhead Jennifer scored some solo time and a few smooches from Ben, but the night belonged to aggressive Blakeley, whose attention-grabbing antics garnered her the date rose.

Those antics carried on into the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, where Blakeley amped up the aggressive behavior, interrupting other girls’ time with Ben and being egotistically mouthy. This didn’t sit well with the peanut gallery of contestants, who let the wine take over their tongues from which snide anti-Blakeley comments flowed freely.  In a slightly surprising turn, Blakeley showed her skin was not quite as thick as she led us to believe and she teeters off, wine glass in hand, to go have a cry. In the corner of a room full of luggage.

Meanwhile, last week’s Drunk Girl, Jenna, was letting the pressure of the competition wreck havoc with her insecurities. After an uncomfortable chat with Ben during which she both tried to set the place on fire by throwing her coat on a candle and then rambling on, she too goes off to cry. Under the covers of her bed.

I’m imagining the job description for a production assistant on this show: Must be organized. Personable. Have a calming personality. High tolerance for emotional and/or volatile situations. Be willing to play hide and seek with drunk distraught contestants. Whatever these people are being paid, it’s not nearly enough.

During what was obviously a very late night and very cold – you could see veneers chattering – Rose Ceremony, Ben dispensed roses to all but two ladies: Shawn (who?) and Jenna. You couldn’t help but feel for her as she sobbed her way through her final talking head – it was obvious her time on the show had not been what she expected. Bless her heart.

Next week: The crazy caravan heads down to San Francisco! Plus it seems a mystery woman is tossed into the mix – I’ve read (thanks Chris Harrison!) that she has a history with both Ben and the show Hmmmmmm. I’ve been spoiled (because I’m nosy) but I won’t spill the beans in case y’all like to be surprised.

Until next time … let’s all make a pact to do something to improve future generations’ impression of our society. And pass the wine.

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Jan 10, 2012 @ 18:42 EST5EDT