The crazy circus has come to town — yep, The Bachelor’s back!

Hey y’all. Welcome to the 3846^th season of The Bachelor – America’s favorite dating show! Please note I use the term “dating” very very lightly. Have you met our leading man for this go-round yet? Let me introduce you to Ben Flajnik (that’s pronounced Flah-nik, for those of you reading aloud at home.)  Ben is a winemaker from Sonoma, California. Yep, he makes WINE FOR A LIVING. Chin chin, y’all. He’s also earnest, a little dorky, funny and just may be a little too smart for the nonsense ahead of him. But this is his second go-round with this insane franchise, so I could be wrong about the “too smart for this” assessment. He is still sporting his shaggy-chic look. There have been many, many remarks about Ben’s style. Frankly, I think he’s adorable (hush) but I’ve read comments comparing him to the Geico caveman, Scooby-Doo’s pal Shaggy and Dax Shepard. However, I think one of his doppelgängers said it best on Twitter: Josh Groban sums it all up.

That alone made me kind of love Josh Groban.

Ben is re-introduced to the audience, just in case there’s someone tuned in who missed his RE-JECTED moment in the finale of The Bachelorette last summer. Being first runner-up apparently gives one the opportunity to become the ringmaster of the Bachelor circus rather than one of the featured acts. Speaking of the featured acts – wow. Just wow. This is one, um, shall we say emotional bunch of ladies. I’d say they were wearing their hearts on their sleeves, but those cocktail gowns they were sporting barely have straps, much less sleeves. PS: I should think that in The Bachelor production budget there would be room to hire a stylist, at least for the meet/greet. One young lady, the redheaded accountant Jennifer told Ben that she had tried on something like 54 dresses before settling on her blue (which actually was a good color on her) gown. She should have kept going to number 55. Paging Stylists for Hire!

At this early point in the season, I admittedly have a hard time remembering names and telling the competitors apart.  Unless they have a gimmick. And boy, were there some gimmicks. We had girls wearing beauty queen sashes (hint: trying to persuade a suitor that you are more than just a pageant girl, Samantha, would be a lot more convincing if you weren’t wearing the contest sash while doing so) and girls wearing Kentucky Derby hats (hint: a hat that didn’t cover half your face and was a little more refined might have been a better choice, Holly) and girls blindfolding Ben and feeding him candy in a very awkward G-rated, 9-1/2 Weeks sorta way. I don’t even remember who that was. And that’s just fine with me. We also had Brittney, a nice young lady who brought her charming grandmother Sheryl along as her wingman. Or should that be wingwoman. Anyway – Grandma is a big Bachelor fan and more specifically a big Ben fan. Sheryl was adorable and made me think that adding a housemother to the Bachelor house might not be a bad idea. A mature presence in the midst of all the hijinks and antics might help calm the crazy before it gets out of hand and help the chicks maintain some sense of dignity.

For example, Jenna, the blogger who fancies herself an erstwhile Carrie Bradshaw-type, could have used some housemom council before suffering the most public and uncomfortable meltdown I’ve ever seen at an inaugural Bachelor cocktail party. And that includes the guy who passed out drunk at Bachelorette Ashley’s kickoff bash. Jenna seemed a little top-tier-of-a-house-of-cards fragile to begin with, berating herself for getting tongue-tied upon first meeting Ben. That was the high point of her evening, as she proceeded to drink too much and pick a non-fight with mischief-making Monica. I knew things were going to deteriorate completely after Jenna snarked to Monica that “You’re a girl. Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.”

Good grief. Really? That’s klassy-with-a-k, y’all.

Jenna ended up locking herself in the ladies room in a hysterical denouement of the cocktail party drama. She sobs and rambles like one does after too many Long Island Iced Teas consumed during Ladies Night at Chili’s.  Loudly. And long enough to hold up the Rose Ceremony proceedings, which earned her no points with her fellow contestants. The first impression rose goes to Lindzi, who won big points for making her entrance on horseback. She seems nice enough, although the spelling of her name makes me roll my eyes.

And it occurs to me that in 50 years, nursing homes and ALFs will be full of residents called Lindzi and Kacie and Nikki. Out with Myrtle, in with Tiffani.

A bunch of other chicks get roses, including the aforementioned Monica and her new best pal Blakely, who engaged in a little Sapphic-esque action (some very close lounging and whispering on an overstuffed sofa) while they were hanging around waiting to catch Ben’s eye. It’s too bad Ben missed it, because that could have been footage for the pilot for a new show – Ménage a Trois! C’mon – if these producers can give us that hotbed of communicable diseases known as Bachelor Pad, they’d be totally game for such a program. Frankly, that tête à tête with Monica and Blakely was more romantic than a lot of the “affectionate” scenes we’ve been peddled on this show over the years.

Potential villain Courtney, who “hates other girls” and Britt Ekland-look alike Rachel also get roses, as do germ-phobic PhD candidate Emily and my initial pick for subtle frontrunner, administrative assistant Kacie. There were the standard stiff-upper-lip-holding-back-tears talking heads by the rose-free girls as they left the house. Nice to see some things never change. And with the requisite champagne toast led by Bachelor Ben, we’re off on another journey. Lucky us!

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Jan 03, 2012 @ 18:53 EST5EDT