Hot on the heels of the All-Singing-All-Dancing Modern Family Emmy Spectacular, we get a one-hour season premiere. These always confuse me: I mean, I get it if it’s actually an hour-long episode, but why are you burning two regular episodes on the first night when you’re a network show that stretches 22 episodes into 40 weeks or however long? It’s almost as if the major networks don’t make any damn sense or make good decisions. Huh. Weird.
In any case, we get a super-duper family vacation to a dude ranch in Wyoming, during which Dylan is sadly shot and killed by a horse that has grown weary of fat tourists putting their ham thighs all over his back every time they want to “get in tune with nature.” The horse has grown so tired of this, in fact, that he snuck into a multiplex (fun fact: Wyoming actually has a special “horse rate” for movies; it’s only 50 cents less, but as horses don’t generally have money, it’s pretty helpful. This horse, however, still snuck in on principle), watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes, took copious notes, and fucked Dylan up. Why was thin-as-a-reed Dylan the victim of this horse’s rampage? Well shit – even a horse knows when someone is too beautiful for this world.
In any case, Dylan remains in Wyoming while the rest of the family flies United back to California, with only the sweet memories of thwarted proposals, exploding bird houses and stolen kisses with special needs kids to keep them occupied on the long journey back to the real world.
Everyone was changed on this vacation, most of all Lily, who grew a voice and an urge to kill. I spent a fair amount of time complaining about Proto-Lily’s inability or unwillingness to speak during the first two seasons of this show. I would have kept my mouth closed had I been aware of the murderous thoughts that have been bubbling just below the surface over the past two years.
You see, Lily’s parents are about to commit a great sin: As two gay men, they are going to ruin yet another child by bringing him into a loving, stable, upper-middle class two-parent household. Not satisfied with pushing their agenda on a Vietnamese orphan, these men are planning on “buying locally” and taking an American child out of a hetero group or foster home and bringing him into their den of sin. And these are the people we honor? I think the American public and Emmy voters would do right by recognizing a show more in line with the values of our great country; values that are rife with meat balloons and dick jokes: Two and a Half Men awaits your vote.
Lily agrees, not wanting another child brought into the house. We’re getting a good amount of character development with her. She’s gone from surprised mute to semi-adorable sociopath. By season 5, I’m predicting a Very Special story arc in which she goes full-on Bad Seed.
Lily, however, is not alone in her potentially criminal activities: in a move that goes largely unrecognized for the “Intro to Sex Offending” ick factor that it clearly has, Manny steals a locket from a girl he likes so he can have a trophy something to remember her by. While Jay is clearly getting a slight Buffalo Bill vibe from the situation, he drops the subject after asking Manny if he was planning on wearing the necklace; figuring that his advancing years and sure-to-be impending death will save him from having the hard questions answered.
Gloria, meanwhile, is poised to protect her son, no matter what the cost. She continues to use the ruse of having only a rudimentary grasp of the English language in her favor, “unwittingly” threatening Manny’s principal and accuser with a Colombian Necktie. Gemma Teller isn’t the only mother on television who will go to great lengths to protect her family, despite their misdeeds. Gloria too can seemingly be counted on to perpetrate an even larger sin to cover up the one done by her son.
It was an emotional hour, packed with joyous news, revenge, and Claire repeatedly imploring her family to “suck it.” It’s going to be a long year for the Pritchett/Dunphy clan. One only hopes that Dylan’s tears from heaven will give them the strength they need to get through the dark days ahead.
Clacked by Kona Gallagher 
on Sep 22, 2011 @ 16:46 EST5EDT
Great review!
den of sin…..let’s see where you end up.
This review sucks
Wow – that is the worst review I have ever read. Sin – really wow. I can’t believe I just read this.
So Kona finally came out of the closet? cool. As Allison said, worst review ever.
I think you were going for sarcasm, but missed the mark. People are freaking out a little bit. Hang in there!
Verbal Irony is an actual thing. It really, truly is. See if you can follow me:
Verbal irony is when you say one thing, but mean another. Sarcasm is probably the lowest form of verbal irony. For instance, I hear this one a lot: “My, what an _enormous_ penis you have!” I know the girl doesnt mean what she’s saying because the rest of the sorority is laughing at me and also I’m crying.
But let’s not lose focus here.
It’s often hard for the self-righteous or the stupid to see through verbal irony because they tend to focus on just the surface words, and not the *intent* of what’s being said.
Let’s say for instance I wanted to show just how terribly one group of people treated another group of people. One way I could do that might be to craft an essay where I suggest that the wronged group of people should use their babies as food because the oppressive people have really left them no choice. Sound fun? It is!
Now, some people would read that essay and scream: “BABY EATING!?! THAT’S RIDICULOUS! DON’T EAT BABIES!”
And they’d be right, eating babies is wrong. Unless they’re made of strawberry.
But the intent of the essay wouldn’t have been to convince people to eat babies. The intent of the essay would be to get people to understand that the plight of the people outlined is so dire that eating babies makes a morbid kind of sense. The intent would be to call out the oppressors and make the case FOR the oppressed. Baby eating is just the horrific method by which I might build this case.
Which brings us to this review. How many people really thought Kona was actually, truly, for reals for reals calling a gay household a “den of sin?” Show of hands.
Because it was obvious to any reader that she was using verbal irony to attack the kind of people who feel that way about the show. It. Was. Obvious.
Any horrified reaction to the “homophobia” in those lines is the kind of knee-jerk liberal hissy fit that encourages otherwise sane people to agree with Rush Limbaugh about how bad the world of political correctness is.
If you don’t like what the author is ACTUALLY saying, go ahead and disagree. As Bobby Brown would say, “that’s your prerogative, pass the coke.”
But if you disagree with the verbal irony that the author employed to get across his or her point, then you are just dumb. Dumb and stupid. And also dumb.
Word to your mothers!
I want to make up Tee-Shirts that say “I Heart Jay.”
This was a great review! Great, with an extra gold star for that crazy horse sidebar. It makes me think that Cooper must hear some badass bedtime stories. :D And to answer your question about the two episodes… You’ll notice in the coming weeks that about half of the Modern Family audience runs for the hills when Happy Endings comes on. The double-shot of Modern Family was to get a proper premiere audience on the doorstep of Revenge.