The Bachelorette – And then there were two. Yep. Just two.

Well, we are at the bitter end, y’all. Our girl Ashley, after some drama (Special surprise guest. Yawn. Unexpected departure. Whatever.) has given the last rose boutonnières to her preferred gents, JP and Ben. Raise your hand if any of this came as a surprise to any of you. Mmmhmm. That’s what I figured.

We’re in Fiji, which lives up to its hype as a beautiful tropical locale. No foolin’. That’s one gorgeous place. Our erstwhile lovers are housed at the Namale Resort which regrettably, at least for me, we didn’t see enough of. I live vicariously through the travel of these people, dontcha know. The most exotic place I ever went on a date was camping in the mountains of North Carolina. That’s right, I said camping. Hush. Obviously I wanted to impress the fellow I was dating, as my real idea of camping is no room service after 11 pm. Long story short: I married the camping guy. And we’ve been ordering room service on trips ever since. But not in Fiji. Yet.

Anyhoo.

One person probably ordering a lot of room service on this show was our special surprise guest, Ryan, the shiny happy solar energy executive. Even though he was unceremoniously dismissed on a one-on-one date back in Taiwan, this guy still thought there was something between him and Ashley. One “alleged” phone call to the long-suffering ringmaster of this hot mess circus, Chris Harrison, and BAM! He’s in Fiji, ready to please his case with his earnest politician-esque speech, hopeful that Ashley feels the same way he does. You can almost hear the Hitchcockian symphonic knife plunges in the background as he heads up the dirt road of crazy in his mandals to The Bachelorette suite. The panicked look in Ashley’s eyes as she chats with him indicates that this isn’t going to end well. At least for Ryan.

Fortunately Ashley had a groovy date with winemaker Ben before this latest twist in her “journey.” They took a jaunt on a boat, complete with a slightly porn-flavored sunscreen application. The SPF straddle mount IS the new lap dance, y’all. You watched – you know what I’m talking about. Oh yeah. Snorkeling was followed by dinner which was followed by dull and earnest conversation which was followed by the reading of the Fantasy Suite invite which was followed by a quick swim in a private pool which was followed by… bom chicka wow wow. Score! Ben tells Ashley he’s open to the whole “I love you thing.” Score again! However, that see-through v-neck white sweater he wears to dinner looks like something a production assistant ordered from the International Male catalog on a layover in some airport. Fail!

Time for Constantine! He seems more excited about riding on a helicopter than hanging out with Ashley. Foreshadowing! During the ride, Ashley voice overs that she has “a Greek god to my left, crystal clear water to my right and a stalker down on the rocks below.” OK – I added that last part, but… Ryan is shown looking up as he mournfully kills time waiting for an answer as we get a helicopter shot. This probably didn’t happen as we were shown, but it was some great editing. Heh heh.

After a swim in some falls, we’re treated to a conversation about women and houses and man caves and all I can do is think about how earnest Constantine needs some brow-scaping. I’m not the only one who thinks things aren’t going well, as over dinner, our Greek god does maybe the most mature and stand-up thing that’s ever been done on this show as he respectfully tells Ashley that he’s not feeling for her what he wants to feel in order to take the next step (aka fantasy suite) and he walks away. A grown-up on one of these dating shows? Say it ain’t so! Constantine for the next Bachelor – who’s with me?

This little unexpected move catches Ashley off guard and her insecurities come rushing to the forefront once again. So how does a girl get her groove back – she goes off to let another guy down. For the second time. Yep. She’s still not feeling it for Ryan and the tears in his eyes match the sparkle of his overly white teeth. I swear he spent his time in Fiji lurking around Ashley’s date sites with Crest Whitestrips on his teeth. Multi-tasking! He cannot stop talking – just like Brett Favre, he should have stayed gone the first time he left. No Ryan for the next Bachelor – who’s with me?

Good thing Ashley has her date with J.P. to help her get over all this excitement. A water plane takes the pair to an island where they romp in the surf and flirt excessively.  All the hugging and frolicking must have eliminated the need for them to do the stingray shuffle in the shallow water. Thank goodness. A stingray injury would have totally ruined the vibe. Snuggling as they drink wine, Ashley casually mentions to J.P. that she said goodbye to two guys this week. As he’s ready to be the Last Man Standing and has said as much, J.P.’s excitement at this news is evident. Ash explains the situation, but J.P. is still pleased – and so off they go to the Fantasy Suite. Bom chicka wow wow.

Note to producers: I’d love to see “Fantasy Suite Walk of Shame” footage featured somewhere. Ratings bonanza! And here’s a music tip: Playing “Let’s Get It On” as the Fantasy Suite card is read would be a great  — and realistic! – touch. Just a thought…

Even though there are only two dudes remaining, Ashley still wants to go ahead with the Rose Ceremony, for ceremony’s sake. She’s still smarting a little from Constantine’s self-chosen exit and her ego needs to know that Ben and J.P. will accept these roses. They do, she’s happy, all is well. On to meeting her family. In Fiji! With drama! Can’t wait!

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Jul 26, 2011 @ 14:00 EST5EDT