The Bachelorette – Hong Kong Phooey

Back in the golden age of Saturday morning cartoons – aka when I was a kid – there was a short-lived Hanna-Barbera offering about a dog who was a janitor by day and clumsy superhero by night (Yeah, I know. Don’t ask.) It was called Hong Kong Phooey, and featured the vocal stylings of the fabulous Scatman Crothers. As I watched Ashley and the gang cavort around Hong Kong, the theme song to this cartoon kept running through my head. Ironically, natch.

Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy.

Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.

Hong Kong Phooey, he’s man-riffic (gong!)

While I don’t think we have a number one super guy (yet) and none of these cats were quicker than the human eye, there was some man-riffic goodness and a whole lotta phooey.

Yep. He Who Must Not Be Named (Bentley, in case you’re new here) was back in a mercifully brief physical appearance – but the repercussions of said visit were felt through the entire episode. And by everyone. Including the gents.

There have been many incidents over the years in which a single person has brought down the destruction of something. Wallis Simpson forced a revamp of the House of Windsor in England. Yoko Ono … well, we all know how that turned out. And for a moment during The Tensest Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Ever, it seemed as if Bentley, even in absentia, was going to bring about the end of this installment of The Bachelorette in one fell swoop. Let’s back up a little, though, shall we – back to when Chris Harrison, who’s been given more to do in this particular season than ever before, thanks to Bentley-gate, comes a’knockin’ on Ashley’s door. He was heralding the news that the object of our girl’s obsession affection was indeed in town. In the hotel. Right down the hall. The Olympic Organizing Committee should think about contacting Ashley to help with the Olympic flame for the upcoming London games. No, she’s not a Brit, but she does know a thing or two about carrying a torch across several continents. With Chris’ words of caution ringing in her ears, Ashley and her tight skinny jeans marched down the hall as defiantly as one can march in serious heels. She was greeted with a, “Who is it?” when she knocked on the door. Who the heck did Bentley think it was – room service? The concierge? Candygram? Ridiculous.

Anyhow. In a remarkable show of backbone, Ashley cut right to the chase with Bentley, asking him what the deal was, as he’d left with that relationship “dot dot dot” punctuating his parting words. When he told her that it “didn’t look good” for whatever might have been brewing between them, Ashley, well, got pissed. The “dot dot dot” turned to a period. Profanity was spewed. Question marks erased. It became kind of a PG-13 rated version of Punctuation Rock. And so, Ashley finally got her closure with Bentley. To hell with that – America needed closure with Bentley. Good-bye. And don’t let the hotel door hit you in the keester and mess up your hair.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, also known as the Conrad Hong Kong Hotel, the guys are getting date cards and doing other slightly-bored-dude things. Lucas (who?) is the lucky gent who gets a one-on-one with our newly giddy and freshly spray-tanned fair maiden. They have a nice casual day exploring a market and then have dinner on a boat. Lucas was pleasant enough during the date as he noted he’s never been to New York City, called Ashley “sweetheart,” talked about his divorce, asked permission to kiss her and zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry. I dozed off during this date. Yep. That interesting. The ENORMOUS pile of broccoli on Ashley’s dinner plate was more entertaining. Despite the lack of chemistry, our Bachelorette gave Lucas the rose. And then I think they kissed. Maybe. I stopped paying attention.

In a page once again torn from The Amazing Race playbook, the group date involved six dudes paired up (Ames and Mickey; Ryan and Blake; Constantine and Ben) to recruit and then helm their own dragon boat racing team. While Ryan and Blake won (whoopee), the grooviest team was that of lookalikes Constantine and Ben, who donned red robes (a la Hong Kong Phooey!) in a show of team solidarity and cracked wise while they rowed that dragon boat.

The post-race cocktail party provided much entertainment. Ames was wearing a button down/polo double shirt combo and expertly carrying around a cocktail in his hand at all times. This gave him the look of every frat boy I ever drunkenly kissed in college. He spent his time with Ashley awkwardly snogging in the elevator. Guy Smiley, aka Ryan, flirted just enough to snag the coveted group date rose, much to the chagrin of the other guys, none of whom seem to have cottoned to his particular brand of constant smarm.

So. We’ve had a one-on-one date and a group get-together. That leaves just another one-on-one date and one remaining gent – JP.

Sincere, sane, logical JP, who had his previous one-on-one date slightly hijacked by the fresh departure of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. During dinner, the chemistry between our girl and JP was palpable – so much so even to Ashley that she decided to come clean with him about her contretemps with You-Know-Who in the hotel. Much to Ashley’s surprise, JP was … wait for it … thoughtful and rational about her confession that she pretty much has been pining for this guy the whole time but now after getting closure she’s totally over him and isn’t that great. Poor Jordan Paul – both of his one-on-one dates were crashed by the unspoken presence of a douchebag. However, he still accepted the rose and he seemed genuinely smitten with Ashley, as evidenced by the increasing intimacy of their smooches and hugs.

Buoyed by the good response she received from JP, Ash decided to come clean with the rest of the gang about Bentley at the Pre-Rose-Ceremony-Cocktail-Party. And that was when things rather went off the rails. Guys got angry – I’m talking to you, Blake (who?) and Lucas. Guys got confrontational – Mickey blasted Ashley with a challenge to just send him home if Bentley was the kind of guy she was looking for. When Ashley turned that around on him and said he could leave if he wanted, Mickey did just that. And guys were supportive – Ames was terribly thoughtful when he said, “we would all prefer our fairy tales to be simple.” I’m still not sold on him as a match for our girl, but he has endeared himself to me more each week – and that’s not because I suddenly have an urge to go play quarters with him after which we will make out for hours in his little room in the frat house, either. Dude’s got some depth to him.

During the rose ceremony, all roses were accepted. Seems that the possibility of Ashley and more stamps in the passport were strong enough elements to counteract the bad juju of That Damn Bentley. Blake was deemed odd man out, with no rose. But fear not — he won’t be gone from our tellys long, as he was just announced as part of the Bachelor Pad gaggle coming to us later this summer. Next up for our love-seekers: a jaunt to Taiwan, where we’ll probably be treated to more drama, the continued overuse of the word “amazing” and an increase in Asian-eque background music.

PS: After watching the preview clips for what’s coming next on this piece of stellar entertainment, I needed a Xanax. Talk about dramatic. Overwrought. And did I mention dramatic? But yes, above all, it was man-riffic. Cool.

Quotes of the night:

(During the dragon boat race)
“We’re getting smoked.” – Ben
“Like salmon, bro.”  –  Constantine

“You should have called … it’s hot in here.” – Ashley, during her sit down summit with Bentley

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Jun 28, 2011 @ 21:27 EST5EDT