The Bachelorette – The horror, the horror

Mistah Bentley. He dead.

Hooray hooray.

But before we celebrate, shall we cut to the chase, y’all.

Oh. My. Stars.

I watch a lot of reality TV, albeit not as much as I used to (those Bravo Housewives have FINALLY gotten on my nerves. All of ‘em. Save for maybe Nene, but she’s the exception.) I’ve seen screaming matches and table throwing and tears and tantrums and insults and fights and so much more. But this episode of The Bachelorette tops them all as far as cringe-inducing, grotesque and just plain horrific behavior goes. It was Train Wreck TV that just didn’t show the accident, but all the casualties strewn hither and yon.

Our girl Ashley had quite a time of it, with the Hindenburg-inspired “roast” (Dean Martin must be spinning in his grave, hiball glass and all) playing right into her insecurities, followed by her Moment with Bentley. One of these incidents would be pretty tough all on its own, but with the one-two punch of both coming so close together, it’s no wonder Ashley was a bit raw emotionally. Bless Chris Harrison for stepping in and providing some much needed perspective for her right before the Rose Ceremony, but I don’t think that was quite enough to heal this wound. Paging Brad Womack’s shrink … emergency at Bachelorette Manse!

Let’s start with that roast. The set–up was great:  premier Roast Master General Jeffery Ross; a sold out audience at The Comedy Store; and a groovy logo patterned after those from the classic Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. What could go wrong? Yes, that was a rhetorical question.

Roasts are generally given by friends who know the guest of honor fairly well. When Phyllis Diller skewed Johnny Carson, you got the feeling they had been on more than one televised date. Not so with this group of roasters, who took fairly lame pot shots at each other and then commented repeatedly about Ashley being a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Yawn. Then along came William. Ah William, whose eyes lit up upon hearing the name “Jeffery Ross” because – quelle surprise! – he fancies himself as a bit of a comedian. His vision of going from The Bachelorette to sitting on the dais at a Comedy Central Roast went * poof * once he delivered his material, which consisted of cracks such as “”They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I thought I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal.” To heck with being less than well-endowed – turns out Ashley’s biggest fear was disappointing the gents who came to court the Bachelorette. Cue the tears. At that point, I not only felt sorry for Ashley, but for William and his incredibly bad judgment, the other dudes, the audience, the busboys and the long-suffering camera crew.

It figures that the one person to actually go comfort our distraught Bachelorette was Bentley. His fake platitudes seemed to do the trick, as she felt comfortable enough to confront him about the pre-show warning she received (from our favorite drama mama from the Brad Womack Experience, Michelle Money) about him and his less-than-noble motives for being on the program. Bentley went into “deny, deny, deny” mode but he realized that the jig was up. And began planning his “exit.”

There’s really no need to rehash what went down at the Bachelorette Pad when Bentley came over to tell Ashley he was leaving. Suffice it to say that it was calculated and the very definition of insincere. I’m not a trained therapist (although I do play one in my real life from time to time), so I don’t feel qualified to label this dude a sociopath, as many did while live tweeting the show, but wow; he does have some twisted thinking and really callous behavior. Couple that with the flat affect of his speaking voice and beady eyes and, well, you can draw your own conclusions. I think this quote sums it up perfectly: “I’m going to make Ashley cry… I hope my hair looks okay.”

In the midst of all this chaos, Ashley did have two one-on-one dates, a pre-drama flash mob dance fest with Ben F., the fast-talking (literally) attorney from New Orleans and a post-drama quiet night at home, complete with pajamas, with JP, the earnest New York construction manager. Both receive roses, not surprisingly – JP was especially charming on his date, soothing Ashley’s wounded psyche as best he could. Maybe it was his personality, maybe it was his kisses, which Ashley deemed to be pretty damn good. Bentley who?

Skipping the cocktail party, Ashley opted to head right to the rose ceremony, which left Chris D. (who?) and Jeff (the goof formerly known as Zorro) out in the cold.  Yes, even William got a rose, albeit the last one of the night. Which goes to show that even a guy who perpetually has his foot in his mouth is a better prospective husband than a guy who thinks wearing a mask is a good way to impress a chick.

Random randomness:

Zorro, aka Jeff, finally de-masked himself. The exasperated look on Ashley’s face when she talking-headed “Finally. He needs to take that mask off.” will endear her to me forever. And when that mask did come off, the editors treated us to a shot of a bird pooping and a squirrel nibbling on a lawn snack. The crickets chirping were implied. When a mask is the most interesting thing about you, chances are you’re not long for the world of reality TV.

Ben C.’s flash mob date activity was … wait for it … a surprise to him. Ashley taught him a dance allegedly just for the heck of it. And then out of the blue, while they were practicing said dance on an open lawn… BAM! Flash mob time, featuring tunes and a concert by Far East Movement. There sure have been a lot of dance-themed dates on this show – and we’re only three shows into the season. I can’t wait for the inevitable Black Swan themed one  — won’t that be fun! Ben C. rambled on at dinner about wanting to have the greatest romance that ever existed and something about living in a bubble with his true love and I didn’t hear anymore because of all the warning bells going off in my head.

Ames’ fashion sense is becoming very amusing, at least to me. At the rose ceremony, I couldn’t decide whether he was dressed as a Nazi extra in a road show of The Sound of Music, a mall cop or a forest ranger. Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next. What I won’t miss is Bentley’s seemingly endless wardrobe of flannel shirts. Ashley should be relieved she won’t have to face a life with half a couple’s closet full of bad plaid.

Quote of the night:

“She might give the rose to the one who has the most balls, though.” – one of the interchangeable guys on the roast group date

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Jun 07, 2011 @ 22:11 EST5EDT