The Bachelorette – The masked meet market

It’s summertime (for all intents and purposes) and along with the ability to wear white without an etiquette faux pas, long balmy days and the inevitable abuse of our blenders, it’s time for everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure — The Bachelorette!  A frothy, indulgent television creation where pectorally-gifted gents replace bikini-clad beauties as the competing warriors, hoping to catch the eye and the heart of one effervescent fair maiden.

Ashley Hebert, she of the dental school and adorable Maine hometown and the second runner-up in the most recent installment of The Bachelor starring Brad Womack is our spunky heroine. Now a brunette, Ashley is determined to have a great experience with no regrets as she embarks on a journey to find love and perhaps … wait for it … a husband.

We spent most of the last Bachelor installment getting to know Ashley, so we’re spared a lot of that preliminary stuff with her introduction – save for the fact that she’s a trained modern dancer. Who knew? Right off the bat, we do see she has mastered the art of the pensive, wistful far away look so important with the leads on this show – “Aren’t I attractive as I think about this most amazing journey that will be filled with no regrets? Aren’t I?” And if her wardrobe choices are any indication, the crop top is the Bachelorette version of the Bachelor being shirtless.

Ashley seemed quite at ease during the limo greets on that very wet stone patio at the entrance to the party house. What’s up with that, producers? Does it really rain that much in the neighborhood or is the timer on the sprinkler system broken? The Bachelorette stylist did right by our heroine, putting her in a gown that reminded me of one Ginger Grant packed for that infamous three-hour tour.  The initial meet and greets were standard Bachelorette fare – smiles, hugs, compliments, the occasional misfire (yep, looking at you, Mr. Going in for the Kiss Dude). Gotta admit, there were a good number of gents about whom, were I in Ashley’s expensive footwear, I would have had some lascivious thoughts. Oh hush. You probably would too.

The first episodes of this franchise are always a bit of “Who’s that guy again?”  These dudes all kind of looked alike to me – Crest Whitestrip smiles and sculptured hair and manicured stubble. One fellow named Ames, who could be mistaken for a young Fred Flintstone, broke the suit mold by wearing the pretty frat boy uniform of a blue blazer and khaki pants. Considering the hijinks that went down at the introductory cocktail party, his attire was rather appropriate, as we were treated to a drunk guy (Tim), a gent wearing a mask (I still don’t remember his name (by choice), so I’m just calling him Zorro) and a dude who tossed a guitar into the swimming pool. Throw in a roaming photographer to capture the drunken escapes of the fiesta and you’ve got a University of Florida fraternity mixer, circa 19 …  well, let’s just say it was a while ago. PS: If and when Bachelor Zorro finally removes that mask and reveals himself to be Brad Womack, I would take this show to Tijuana and marry it. But that’s too much to hope for, I am afraid.

Speaking of drunk Tim, he inadvertently provided the evening’s entertainment, first trying to pick a fight with Bachelor Zorro, then getting so drunk he passed out snoring and had to be escorted out, sans rose, into a car, which drove him into the night to nurse his ego and his hangover. Good times.

Rose rundown: First impression boutonnière went to Ryan P. (yep, there’s more than one Ryan in this gang), an earnest solar energy exec. Other rose recipients included widower West (I always heard the sad trombone in my head whenever he was on screen. This needs to stop.); startup winemaker Ben F.; savvy New Orleans lawyer Ben C. (I thought his cue-cards-through-the-window was adorable and if Ashley had not given him a rose, she would have heard from me); and controversial Bentley. Ah Bentley. Ashley received a pre-show warning about this one, advising her that his motives for being on the show might not be as legit as they should be. And Bentley himself talking-headed that while he wasn’t all that attracted to our Bachelorette (he personally fancied Miss Emily) he was competitive and so he was in it to win it. OK, he didn’t say it exactly like that, but we all knew what he meant. Cad. Plus his daughter’s name is Cozy (short for Cozette.) Please. You just knew he was going to get that rose.  He’s got “producers’-darling’ written all over his smarmy self.

The dudes who were left rose-less seemed genuinely disappointed. It was a sad face parade of fellows trying to be manly and not ugly cry on national television. My favorite of this bunch was New Jersey butcher Anthony, who looked more suited for a guest spot on the Real Housewives of NJ than this show. He delivered his talking head with honestly and a bit of Sinatra swagger. He would have been an interesting fresh face in the house. Oh well.

Next week: more Bachelorette activities, shirtless dudes, Bachelor Zorro still in his mask, probably some alcohol and a VERY COMPELLING ROSE CEREMONY. Heck – this is just me speculating, but you know I’m right. At least about the alcohol part.  And Zorro.

Quotes of the night:

“Listen, when the two of you decide that you’re going to forgo on your separate rooms and join in the Fantasy Suite, just remember two things: Number one — your moms are watching and number two — don’t forget to use your protection.” – Matt’s mom (on the phone!) to Matt and Ashley

“I had a few cocktails.” – Drunk Tim

Clacked by Jane Graves
on May 24, 2011 @ 14:00 EST5EDT