Just give me a rocket, man, ’cause there weren’t any American Idols last night …

See if any of these sound familiar to you, hokay?

“It’s crazy.” “You gave a full performance.” “You slayed it.” “You’ve never been better.” “We’ve always loved you.” “You’re in your element.” “It was amazing.” “Dude, that was a great performance.”

Think hard: Heard any of those before? What? Last night, you say? All of ‘em? And the week before that? You heard ‘em on American Idol a month ago, too?

Yeah. I know. Same here.

The piano? The one James Durbin walked atop? The one exploding in flames at the end of his performance? Next week Steven, JLo and Randy need to plant their backsides on that thing while flames shoot up their asses and some fire comes out their critiques. Because … They … Sound … Like … Automatons. The same #*&@+%! thing over and over and over and over, ad nauseum. I’m exhausted already with what they (don’t) have to say.

Regardless of the fact it was Elton John Week and it should have been rippin’, the judges fed the contestant’s mediocrity so they performed like this:

Scott McCreery “Country Comfort”:  What? You mean Scotty didn’t do Sir Elton’s “Gulliver / Hay Chewed” …  ??? That would have been more appropriate, but, instead … *yawn*

Naima Adedapo “I’m Still Standing”: No. No. And no. No. Just no. Not something that should’ve been done … inna reggae style. Naima — can’t you please just be gone?

Paul McDonald “Rocket Man” Whereas it seemed the song fit Paul, wasn’t this one of the flattest versions you’ve ever heard? Cripes … William Shatner walked through it with more spunk …

Pia Toscano “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”: Yeah, yeah, yeah … ballad, ballad, ballad … she did good, she did good, she did good. I hadn’t noticed before, but it wouldn’t surprise me if this girl gets by on her looks as well as the strength of her voice. She’s a dark horse at this point.

Stefano Langone “Tiny Dancer”: Ladies & Gentlemen, for you dining and dancing pleasure, please put your forks down and let’s have a round of applause for our resident lounge lizard … what do you say? Cripes: All I needed was a watered-down Mai Tai in some dive in two-bit joint in Laughlin, Nevada. And that outstretched hand to JLo at the end? I’ve seen nothing sadder. I couldn’t help but chuckle at Randy mocking him.

Lauren Alaina “Candle In The Wind”  Utterly forgettable. “Keep singing like that and someday you’ll be able to afford the rest of that dress.” When Steven Tyler can upstage the contestant — and there wasn’t much of a trick to that – then you know there’s a problem with her performance.

James Durbin “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)”: I’m at a loss for words. Other than to say it was a cheese-fest-o-rama of the highest order. Definitely your “Pepsi Moment,” James.

Thia Megia “Daniel”:  “If they believe it, you’ll get to the following week. If they don’t, you won’t make it.” Jimmy Iovine’s pronouncement just might come true. Probably Thia’s worst performance to date. “That was beautiful … it was a beautiful moment for you. Very beautitful.” Come on, JLo: Who were you trying to convince? Yourself … ?!?

At this point in the post, I would like to take a quick break and ask: Is anyone — anyone – going to shake things up and do something memorable? (And, no … James’ frantic performance doesn’t count.)

Casey Abrams “Your Song”: Did Casey redeem himself from last week? Maybe. His attempt at heart-felt and sincere still contained a bit of the old Casey that’s unmistakably “Abramesque.” Better than the last few weeks, at least.

Jacob Lusk “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”:  I’m sorry … but what was that? Did we witness a performance … or an orgasm? *eyesh* “And that last note? You don’t see that everyday.” Two senses, one unintelligible statement. Thanks for that, JLo.

Haley Reinhart “Bennie & The Jets”: I really don’t care for Haley. But you know what? Halfway through her stint I said (and, for what it’s worth, Randy confirmed it): Best performance of the night. She was the only one who came out of her shell and put something into a song, effectively salvaging the night.

*sigh*

See that picture of Elton up there? He looks fantastic. He looks Captain Fantastic, even. We didn’t get that last night. We should have. Maybe with Jacob and Thia and Stefano ending up in the Bottom Three (and with the latter two getting the boot) everyone will finally wake up and shake of the lackluster funk.

Clacked by Michael Noble
on Mar 31, 2011 @ 09:30 EST5EDT