Girls telling all and behaving badly on The Bachelor

Hello and welcome to the Women Strike Back episode of The Bachelor … wait. That’s not the real title? Well, it should be. Two hours of gabbing and backstabbing and a bit of prefab drama — what a treat! A more quintessential capsulized depiction of what this program is all about couldn’t be scripted. Oh wait … again.

Michelle’s redemption story arc was the highlight (so to speak) of the show. Yep, that’s right — I said story arc. C’mon, let’s face it, y’all — there’s not much that’s organically “real” in reality shows. And I’m not just talking about surgical enhancements that increase one’s cup size mucking up the “real” factor, either.

Not sure the dénouement of this one was what the producers had in mind, with vitriol spewed and tears flowing and Chris Harrison thrust into the role of referee. Was Michelle sincere or simply playing the part of the wounded, misunderstood chick – who knows? I will weigh in with this: When one is snarky, one has to own it. There’s no crying in Snarkville. She was edited to bring the crazy to the season. Ahem, producers. Whether or not her tears were of the crocodile variety or not, only she, the producers and probably her hair stylist know for sure. In an interesting revelation, we learn that she apparently did have friends in the house. However, the great pile-on administered by the girls on the anti-Michelle side of the fence was pretty substantial. Talk about a polarizing individual. The sniping and finger pointing gave the whole affair a Mean Girls/High School Confidential kind of air. Made me crave sloppy joes and tater tots and looking for my Pink Ladies jacket.  This whole segment went on waaaaaaaay too long, though – to the point it just became both slightly disingenuous and monotonous. About halfway into it, it was obvious the horse was dead, flies were circling, Shawntel had been called. Overkill, producers. We got the Michelle point. I think.

PS: The less said about Michelle’s outfit, the better. Whoa. Talk about dressing in the dark. And “I was there for the right reasons” is the new “It’s my birthday.” In Michelle-speak. Please adjust your cheat sheets accordingly.

True confession: I’ve not been a faithful Bachelor watcher until recently. I think the last one I watched in earnest was the one with the dude who was the professional fisherman – Byron, maybe?  So the faces, names, and antics of those folks at the great big Bachelor cocktail party were mostly lost on me, as is the premise of something called Bachelor Pad; which is for the better, I think. Wow. That was a whole lotta sleaze and self-tanner in one place. Figures there’d be a pool and/or hot tub at said party; having one of those present at all Bachelor events must be in the producers’ manifesto. As Chris Harrison (who I seriously hope gets hazard pay for all these extra events he’s doing) voice-overed “There’s a whole Bachelor Nation out there.” Ah, Bachelor Nation.  A place ripe for invasion. Embargo too. It’s of course on an island, where the waters surrounding it are exceedingly shallow. And more often than not, shark-ridden.

A lot of time was spent chatting with the newly-brunette Ashley S., who showed quite a bit of personality as she dissected her relationship with our hero Brad. If I didn’t know better (and I don’t, despite my great love for spoilers) I’d say that was a pretty damn good audition/set up for her to be the next Bachelorette. My show favorite, quirky cool Shanwtel, got practically no screen time because you just know the focus of her segment would have been the Date at the Mortuary and really, who wants to go there again. We also got a piece with the Southern nanny Ashley H. who was sent home in a cocoon of tears, sadness and self-deprecation after the Cirque du Soleil date in Vegas. Not much has changed there, as she still seems fragile and sad. Bless her heart – and I mean that in the most sincere way. Did we really need a peace treaty sit down with loony waitress Melissa, she of the bad onion pizza breath and mouthy manscaper Raichel? No — no we didn’t. Time camped there took away from our being able to see more “outtakes” which featured Brad displaying … wait for it … a personality. That was the biggest revelation of this whole two-hour ordeal for me. The dude showed that he’s more than just an overly earnest, talking piece of man-candy.  Go figure.

Next time: The big finale! The most dramatic Rose Ceremony ever! The most drawn- out two hours of television you’ll watch all week! Whether you’re Team Chantal or Team Emily, it should be an interesting show. If for no other reason than this thing will be over.  Finally.

Quotes of the night:

“She is an extraordinary woman and will make some vampire very happy one day.” – Brad talking about Madison and her fang teeth

“You’re like a spider – you’re creepy and everyone is afraid of you.” – Jackie to Michelle

“We aren’t doing this again.” – Chris Harrison to two-time Bachelor Brad

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Mar 08, 2011 @ 10:16 EST5EDT