Quotation Marks – Jimmy Fallon and his ice cream

I’m not sure when this wave of Charlie Sheen will eventually end. I keep waking up each morning and hoping the words winning and tiger’s blood will stop showing up in my Twitter feed, only to be disappointed. As long as he is around, though, I’ll be more than happy to share some of my favorite potshots of the week. Plus, we had the Oscars. Despite what people said, I thought Anne Hathaway wasn’t half bad, but James Franco was about darn terrible.

The Colbert Report

“Your ice cream is like a Jimmy Fallon SNL sketch. Halfway through you break down laughing and you can’t finish it!” — Stephen Colbert, to Jimmy Fallon, insulting his own B&J ice cream flavor

Charlie Sheen

“I wish he worked this hard to promote himself for an Emmy.” — Les Moonves

The Oscars

“Congratulations, nerds.” — James Franco acknowledging technical people’s work throughout the years

“When you won your award, you managed to scare a whole nation … with your haircut …” — Sandra Bullock of Javier Bardem‘s Best Supporting Actor win for 2007’s No Country For Old Men

“I’ve a feeling my career has just peaked.” – Colin Firth on winning his Oscar for The King’s Speech

“I should have gotten a haircut….” – Live Action Short Film winner Luke Matheny referring to his Afro at the beginning of his acceptance speech

Quotes from the Ether

“I’m heart, not Hart.” – Castle creator Andrew Marlowe responding to fans pointing out that he is just spinning his wheels where the Beckett/Castle relationship is concerned. He says he has a plan, and then fires a shot at Bones.

Being Human (Review)

(Josh asks how they can stop the vampire-revealing effects of the garlic)
“Um, feverfew.” – Aidan
“Feverfew, what? Is that a band?” – Josh
“It’s an herb, Josh!” – Aidan
“OK, how about any other herb, any other herb on earth?” – Josh
“… Mistletoe?” – Aidan
“… How about matzo meal? Anything I don’t have to summon a warlock for!” – Josh

House

“My head’s on your vagina.” — drunk House, with his head in Cuddy’s lap

“Why were you in my closet?” — Foreman
“Looking for a tie. What’s the big deal?” — Taub
“Obviously he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage but I’m liberal that way.” – House

Raising Hope

“Dancin’ Dan and Whistlin’ Sue have been hooking up at the Rec. Center. I found out from Government Conspiracy Gordon.” — Virginia
“Boy the homeless people in this town have great nicknames.” — Jimmy

“Jimmy cannot find out about this. I love making fun of his unplanned pregnancy. I don’t wanna lose that.” — Virginia

“Jimmy? Do you know how your Mother and I always told you drugs were bad? We were WRONG! This stuff is amazing! It’s like I’m floating and sinking at the same time. I’m flinking!! Just do me a favor. Don’t tell Jimmy.” — Burt after happy drugs during his vasectomy.

Modern Family

“OK, fine. Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy t-shirt, the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it!” — Haley
“That’s Albert Einstein! And it is not nerdy!” — Alex

“More than anything, I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each others’ hair and gossip about boys. Like I used to do with Mitchell.” – Claire

American Idol (Review and Review and … erm … Review)

“You didn’t overuse the high thing. I know you have it, but you were very tasty with it.” — Randy Jackson commenting on Justin Durbin’s performance

“I don’t know where you get it, man, but I’ll bathe in it.” — Steven Tyler commenting on Jacob Lusk’s performance

“If I agree with you, we’ll both be wrong.” – Steven Tyler critiquing Randy Jackson’s summation of a contestant’s performance

No Ordinary Family (Review)

“You don’t think she’s a super, do you?” – Stephanie
“It would explain why Jim’s behaving like Charlie Sheen….” – George

Top Chef (Review)

“Richard, pack your knives … you’re going to the Bahamas!” – Padma

Rules of Engagement

“They’re lady pro basketball players for the New York Empire.” – Timmy
“Oh, so by ‘celebrities’ you meant regular, un-famous people who I could beat in basketball.” – Jeff

“Humor is always welcome. So sir, feel free to keep trying.” – The seminar instructor to Jeff, after he made a joke

“They’re elite athletes making thousands of dollars, playing in front of … hundreds of cheering fans.” — One of the other New York boyfriends to Timmy