The Bachelor’s Wild Kingdom

Jet lag, anyone? I don’t know about ya’ll, but with all the traveling we’ve been doing this Bachelor season, I think we should at least have some stamps in our passports. Or at the least, we should be credited some frequent flyer miles just for sitting through these hijinks.

Brad and the Gang of Three head to South Africa, with our hero flying solo first class to this most exotic of places. Too bad the bevy of remaining beauties weren’t on the same plane, because there’s nothing like a jillion hour flight to act as a relationship litmus test. I once dated a guy who loathed his ex, but said that she was the best travel partner he ever had.  We didn’t last long for some interesting reasons, but I think he had a good point.

The locale for this grand destination date was the Lion Sands Private Game Reserve, which was a beautiful facility. For being out in the frickin’ wilderness. Truth be told, I’ve got a lot in common with Lisa Douglas when it comes to the city versus country/nature thing – my idea of camping is no room service. So while I would have completely appreciated the whole “safari/let’s go traipsing around and look at animals” thing, I would have wanted a do-over on the treehouse fantasy suite that was Chantal’s fate, regardless of how, um, shall we say “attracted” I was to my man at that moment. Atmosphere shmatmosphere – if the ambiance candles you’ve got scattered around are citronella, that’s not a conduit to romance. Here’s hoping there were copious amounts of bug spray around to add that necessary extra touch of protection. At least the other ladies – Emily and Ashley – had suites that were more on this side of what I consider the barebones of “fantasy” – indoor plumbing and the option of room service.

The date activities were what you’d expect for being on a game preserve – featuring lions and tigers and hippos oh my! The jaded Floridian in me, though, couldn’t help thinking that I’d had a similar experience on a trip to Animal Kingdom, what with all the wildlife being so darn up close and personal. I kept waiting for Mickey to walk by and hand Brad and his lady-of-the-moment that Chris Harrison invite to the fantasy suite. C’mon. With ABC being part of the Disney Empire, this idea is actually not too far fetched and I’ve probably just given the producers a plethora of new ideas. Damn.

Perhaps it was the fact that being smack dab in the middle of a game preserve isn’t exactly tropical, but the lack of hot tub/bathing suit opportunities made this episode seem a little light on the steamy/sexy side. The ladies did their part, each wearing outfits from the Safari line of the Daisy Duke collection of active wear, but shorty denim shorts aren’t quite the same thing as bikinis when it comes to showing skin. Sure we had the requisite “Look! There’s a hippo! Let’s make out!” and “Wow, I love baby elephants. Come, let me stick my tongue down your throat,” moments, but overall, this pit stop on Brad’s relationship journey was fairly sex-appeal free. Save for that amorous look in Chantal’s eye when she got her fantasy suite invite. I even think she may have salivated a little.

So if Chantal was Lusty, then Emily was Chaste. Her conversation with Brad was its usual stilted self, featuring lots of talk about her daughter Little Ricki and Brad being ready to help parent a five-year-old and I’m falling in love with you, Emily and I think I’m falling in love with you too Brad and cue the Disney princess music and bring in the cooing lovebirds.  Now imagine this whole conversation being played out in dueling stilted monotones and you’ve got a darn good idea of how it really went down.  Man, these two look pretty pretty perfect but they are screamingly excruciatingly boring. I was ready to curl up in that fantasy suite bed while they were talking and go to sleep myself.

And if you thought some of Brad’s earlier dates with women he was sending home were awkward, then his day with Ashley was off the charts. She copped to having a fear of riding in helicopters, and given the substantial line item in the Bachelor production budget for “helicopter rental” she should not have been surprised by this little development. Coming on this show with a ‘copter phobia is akin to having an allergy to champagne. Or roses. Her mini-panic attack was great foreshadowing to what was to come, however. Although the helicopter ride to God’s Window was truly a breathtaking sight, it didn’t completely compensate for the very intense conversation Brad and Ashley had throughout the course of their date. I must applaud the reality of their discussion on a show that is designed to manufacture relationships in turbo-time. When all was said and done, with more being said than done, even in the Boom Boom Room Fantasy Suite, these two realized they were at completely different places in their lives and it was time to part ways. I applaud what was perhaps the sanest and legitimate conversation we’ve been shown on this program to date, and I applaud Ashley for being honest and not saying what she thought she should – or what she thought Brad wanted to hear.  Lots of crickets during their time together in the awkward silences – real crickets y’all. We were out in nature, after all.  Sure Ashley was upset, but it was obvious Brad’s Bachelor ego had taken a hit.  When she didn’t beg him to reconsider, he was just arrogant enough to ask her what was wrong as her demeanor turned to stand-offish after he unceremoniously – literally – gave her the boot. Dude – you just dumped her. What the devil do you think is wrong?

As Ashley, our peppy little dentist-Superwoman-wanna-be went Out of Africa, Brad and the last two chicks standing got ready for the Final Rose Showdown in Cape Town. Cue the noisy hippo chorus.

Next week: The Ladies Tell All, where we all collectively ask “Who the hell is that chick?” about half the contestants and take odds on the level of crazy our girl Michelle brings to the proceedings.

Quote of the night:

“I can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” – Brad

(And the jokes just start writing themselves with this bon mot … )

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Mar 01, 2011 @ 10:00 EST5EDT