Quotation Marks – Happy Valenbirthiversary, Octocobra, and Key Dollar Sign Ha

Charlie Sheen is everyone’s punching bag this week, though, you do have to dip into a quasi-news show to get a good reference. It isn’t like the whole of scripted television could rewrite and reshoot a week’s worth of television midstream (But if they did, making fun of Charlie Sheen would be so worth it).

These were our favorites this week — did we miss any of yours?

The Soup

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year! He might make it into the ‘In Memoriam’ montage.” – Joel McHale

CBS Sunday Morning

“Please accept your award in person … unless you’re Tilda Swinton and, in that case, David Bowie can accept for you … because you are the same person.” — CBS Sunday Morning discussing Academy Award protocol

Supernatural (Review)

“Why would anybody want to watch our lives?” — Dean
“Well according to the interviewer, not very many people do.” — Sam

“Yeah I think what we might need at this stage is for Kripke to come up himself. He created this show. They’ll listen to him” — Director Bob Singer
“(laughs) How does that make me look? I’m supposed to be running this thing. Besides, Eric’s off in some cabin somewhere writing his next … pilot.” — Producer Sera Gamble
“He sold Octocobra?”- – Director Bob Singer
“Yes!” — Producer Sera Gamble
“Mother of God. They’ll buy anything.” — Director Bob Singer

“Wait, you’re kidding. So the character in the show, Bobby Singer…” — Sam
“What kind of a douchebag names a character after himself?” — Dean
“Oh that’s not right.” – Sam

Community (Review)

“Oh Abed, will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it?” – Jeff

“He’s clean, although I could issue a warning for this bootleg of The Last Airbender.” –Secret Service Officer
“Where were you a week ago?” – Abed

“I actually withdraw my candidacy. I fear a political career will shed a negative light on my drug dealing. Thank you.” –Starburns

“(Grunts) I just had a dream I was a regular President.” – Vice President Joe Biden

30 Rock (Review)

“I support women. I’m like a human bra.” — Liz

“Chicks dig British guys. Sir Ian McKellen? That guy must be knee-deep in boob.” – Lutz

Top Chef (Review)

“I fry food probably more than I should.” – Antonia

“Fabio told me, ‘You know, we get along so well. You remind me of my ex-wife.’ I don’t really know what that means.” – Richard

American Idol (Review and Review)

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” — JLo after giving Chris Medina the news he didn’t make it into the Top 24

“It was like a Marx Bros. put-out-a-fire thing …” — Steven Tyler commenting on one of the group’s Beatles numbers

Raising Hope

“Welcome, big nose and fat friend!”
“Welcome lady and ugly baby.”
“Welcome … ew. You smell bad. Deodorant’s on aisle 3!”
“Z’up lezbos?”
“Hey! Honey, I hope you’re nice to your husband, ’cause he could’ve done a lot better.”
“Welcome! Sorry, we don’t sell chins.”
“Welcome! Wanna see my ass?”
— Maw Maw as grocery store greeter

Modern Family (Review)

“Happy Valenbirthiversary!” – Phil, to Claire, trying to make up for whatever the heck he did wrong

Glee (Review)

“Pop music now glorifies binge drinking. Just listen to any hit by pop sensation Key Dollar Sign Ha.” — Principal Figgins

“The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go.” — Mercedes

“I’ve been dry-heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was, I said that I was practicing bird calls.” – Santana

Being Human (Review)

“The Vatican tweets! … I hate this decade.” – Aidan

“Hey Josh? Why are there, like, five rump roasts in the freezer?” –  Emily

“I lived through the ’60s — a few of them — I can talk about karma without irony.” – Aidan

“Josh, she is so hot! Look at her boobs! I always wanted boobs like that!” – Sally about Nora

“So, I’m in this rehabilitation program.” – Josh
“Oh!” – Nora
“Yeah, trying to prove to Nora Sorgent that I’m an upstanding member of society and not a raging ass hat.” – Josh
“Hm, must be a new program. How’s it going?” – Nora
“Decent.” – Josh

Gossip Girl (Review)

“New minion?” – Blair
“My name is Emily.” – Emily
“She has no time to care.” — Dorota

“I don’t really like refreshments with my ‘the-a-ta'” – Dan, referring to Blair’s crazy work environment, when she says she didn’t get him coffee

“You’re not the only one who knows his neurodysfunction.” — Blair, to Dan, upon correctly identifying what the Stroop effect is

“Did anyone else see Vanessa, or am I having ether flashbacks?” – Serena

How I Met Your Mother (Review)

“I’ve already convinced MacLaren’s to implement a new ‘green’ initiative.” – Marshall
“That’s ‘cuz of you? I have to carry an 80-pound bag of bottles to the recycling center every night. I threw my back out.” – Waitress
“You’re welcome … Earth.” – Marshall

Desperate Housewives (Review)

“You think doing laundry is throwing dirty clothes in the hamper and getting clean ones out of the drawer?” — Lynette to her lazy twins
“That’s how dad does it.” — Porter (or Preston)

“Yep, I was wrong.  It can be worse than I remember.” — Gaby arriving in her hometown

“It’s not that bad.” — Carlos
“Really?  Because when we asked the cabbie to turn left at the burned out car, he said you’re going to have to be a little more specific.” — Gaby

“Susan, using your disease to manipulate and deceive people?  I’ve never felt closer to you.” — Renee

“If it were up to me, I’d say avoid math and science.  They cause serious frown lines.” — Gaby to a group of school girls
“Gaby, please tell the nice girls you’re joking.” — Carlos
“No.  Young girls today need to know the dangers of long division.” — Gaby

“They broke three of my collectible shot glasses.  I was this close to having one from every state.  You think I want to go back to Wyoming?” — Mrs. McClusky

Bob’s Burgers (Review)

“You freakin’ idiot! You don’t hug for luck in the theater!” — Louise

“Ohhhhhhhaaaaaah! A mass murder mystery musical love story set in aaaaaahhhh …” — Linda
“In Nazi Germany!” – Louise