The Bachelor – Hi ho, hi ho, a visiting we go…

Welcome, y’all, to the Bachelor Travelogue episode, where we, along with our hero Brad, jet across the country to catch up with the remaining ladies and watch them in their native habitats. When one dates under a microscope in rather unreal circumstances, such activities are important. How a girl acts at a pool party in Costa Rica with a vat of margaritas under her miniscule belt after a day of cavorting on the beach may not be very telling to what’s under the surface. Actually, thanks to the vat of margaritas, it may be. But I digress. …

Hopefully Brad was able to keep the frequent flyer miles he racked up zipping across the country to visit amazing Seattle, quaint Madawaska, ME, lovely Chico, CA and pretty Charlotte, NC. And the locations were as diverse as the “everyday lives” of the girls themselves. Seattle Chantal is one dog away from having her own show on Animal Planet; her parents live in a McMansion, with both looking to have enjoyed the benefits of some facial “refreshing” in a plastic surgeon’s office. PS: If there’s ever a casting call for a Real Housewives of Seattle, Chantal’s mom could use this footage as her audition tape. Seriously. Brad did charm Chantal’s dad, in a scene that itself could be a clip from a pilot for a May/December bro-mance series. Hello, father figure!

Coming in second in the impressive residence contest is our Southern belle Emily.  When I was 24 – Emily’s age – I was living in a one bedroom apartment with questionable plumbing and no cable TV. Her house, part of her self-proclaimed “simple” life, looks like the Barbie version of a Southern Living Idea House. I suspect that the NASCAR racing family of her deceased fiancé has a little to do with the financing of such posh digs. Allegedly. Mr. Brad did get to meet Ricki, Emily’s daughter, but it wasn’t the heartwarming encounter that such made-for-TV things are. I’m sure the producers were hoping for a Courtship of Ricki’s Mother sort of thing, but ‘twas not to be. Miss Ricki acted like a typical five-year-old. Good for her. Although every time Mr. Brad called her Little Ricki, I kept thinking someone had some ‘splainin’ to do. Like maybe why Brad was so whacked-out weird about not wanting to kiss Emily with her daughter in the house. Dude – how do you think siblings get made? While she’s not my favorite in this girl-race, Emily did show some backbone and planted one on him as he was getting ready to leave.

Shows of affection are a way of life up in Madawaska, ME, home of uber-perky Ashley – who, as it turns out, isn’t a full fledged dentist yet, but still a dental student. Hmm. Nice stretch of the truth there, producers. Her family is loud and boisterous and favors plaid clothing. Brad sported a flannel shirt and fit right in – I hadn’t seen that much plaid in one place since a Nirvana tribute band gig. Brad was completely charmed by the small town life of Madawaska. If he could move there with his new man crush Chantal’s dad, it would be amazing.  The best thing about this segment – other than how natural and normal Ashley seemed – was the food. Yes, y’all, there was food featured on a show where women usually don’t deign to eat and if they do so it’s away from the camera. First came the poutine segment, which looked delicious. Then there was the family dinner, which featured, as you might expect, Maine lobsters. As big as Little Ricki’s head. My only beef was that the family drank red wine with dinner. Tsk tsk from the wine/food pairing rulebook. Overall, I think Brad was a little surprised at how much he liked Ashley and her habitat. So was I, truth be told.

Raise your hands if you thought our girl Shawntel would be receiving a rose after her hometown date? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Part Six Feet Under, part family soap opera drama, this segment sent Brad into a visible tailspin. When the visit started with him meeting Shawntel at her workplace, aka the family funeral home, you knew this one was well on its way to taking a dirt nap.  Her enthusiasm for her job was palpable, but that passion and its underlying intelligence was lost on Brad, who spent the whole tour looking like he was ready for Scooby Doo and the gang to ride up in the Mystery Machine and help him scare away some ghosts. I think maybe the extended time spent at the crematorium (flames and all!) might have been the nail in the coffin for this relationship. The ensuing family drama at the dinner table didn’t help matters, as Shawntel’s dad, acting like the Victor Newman of Chico, put a guilt trip on his daughter and apparent funeral home heir, telling her that the community depended on her in their hour of loss and need.  This was all for naught, however, as Shawntel was the odd woman out at the end of the Rose Ceremony, leaving Brad with some tears and regrets but most of her dignity. I’m afraid death killed her chances of true love with this guy.

Random randomness:

* Chantal needs a stylist. Pronto. Her hometown date outfit was accessorized with a scarf that made her look like a ‘70s flight attendant. Hi! I’m Chantal. Fly me! Her satin Rose Ceremony dress did her curves no favors and paired with her retro hairstyle, gave her the look of a society matron at a Visit to the Orient fundraiser, circa 1967.

* If you know you are going to be hosting a dinner for a suitor of your daughter and that dinner is going to be filmed and seen by millions of people on national television, why on earth would you serve something on the dinner table in Reynolds Wrap. Really, people?

* The award for best product placement on a reality show goes to the ad clip of Shawntel’s family funeral home shown at the top of her hometown segment. Words fail me. In a good way.

Next week: It’s fantasy date time! Bom chicka wah wah.

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Feb 22, 2011 @ 18:27 EST5EDT