So this is what my life’s been reduced to – spending Valentine’s night with a bit of chocolate watching Brad the Bachelor and those six remaining kooky dames cavort on a gorgeous Caribbean island. Well, it beats watching this program with no chocolate. And by the way – what is the correct way to pronounce the name of said tropical paradise? Is it Ann-GWEE-la or Ann-GWILL-la? Does anyone know for sure? I’m going to go with the latter, simply because.
The star of this show was most definitely the setting – Anguilla is spectacularly beautiful. And all the squealing the ladies did when they arrived confirms that. They may also have been squealing because Brad was there, since he seems to reduce them all to tears and random emotional declarations. Just a guess. This show sets feminism waaaaay back to the last century. Although burning their bikini tops wouldn’t have the same effect as bra burning if these gals did decide to embrace their inner Gloria Steinem.
There were four dates during this escapade – three one-on-one rendezvous (with no roses given) and one group gaggle (with a rose.) There are lots of modes of transportation – Helicopters! Boats! Bicycles! Yachts! – and lots of inelegant moments. Brad and Emily were sufficiently awkward during their date on their private “island,” which this native Floridian viewed as nothing more than a big, slightly phallic shaped sand bar. I was worried that the production team hadn’t calculated when high tide might roll in and flood the date, but I think even the phases of the moon were bored by Brad, Emily and her very very white teeth and opted to stay away. I get the impression that Brad is more into Emily than Emily is into Brad and this will make for one interesting home date when Brad goes to visit Em and her little girl.
However, nothing – and I do mean nothing – can compete with the awkwardness that was Britt and Brad’s date. First of all, I’d forgotten that Britt was even around and mistook her for a production assistant wandering in and out of the shots until her name came up on a date card. The setting for this date was a very palatial yacht, anchored out a bit in the water. I knew something was up when, in order to get to said yacht, Brad and Britt had to swim out to it. No row boat. No jet ski. No dolphin to ride over. Just the power of one’s own two feet and a doggy paddle. Things went from bad to worse as Britt got the He’s Just Not That Into You treatment and was unceremoniously sent home in an inflatable dingy to pack her things and go after dinner.
I like Shawntel N., the mortician. She’s fun and has a bit of spark to her personality. And – she brings out some personality in flat Brad, which no one else seems to be able to do. Their encounter with Auntie B, the wise and delightful Anguillan lady, was charming and may be one of my favorite moments of this whole overly produced trainwreck. And who doesn’t want to sit in a field on a picnic, drink red wine and hang out with baby goats. PS: Bankie Banx may be the most famous musician in Anguilla but dollars to donuts says that Brad had never heard of the dude until his producer briefing.
How about that group date, y’all? So much melodrama and angst and sand jam packed into one so-awful-that-you-cannot-look-away scenario. It’s reality show gold. A Sports Illustrated photo shoot. Topless posing. Eye rolling. Dry humping. Girls harrumphing. And a terrible From Here to Eternity-esque surf-rolling make out session which solidified Michelle’s fate and sent both Ashley and Chantal over the edge. Granted, that wasn’t a far piece to go, but still. The pool “party” afterwards was the opposite of celebratory, with lots of tears, a very weird looking and obviously potent green cocktail and a potential wardrobe malfunction, thanks to Chantal’s anguished writhing on the lounge sofa during a weepy conversation with a very anxious and sheepish Brad. The sanest one of the trio (and believe me, that’s not saying a lot), Ashley, got the rose. Brad kept apologizing for letting that date spiral out of control. Yo dude — from what I understand about men (which admittedly is not a whole lot, even after years of trying) you kind of couldn’t help yourself. Thanks to simply being a man. Whatever. There’s a “is that a piece of driftwood on the beach or are you just happy to see me” joke to be made here. But I’m just not going to go there. You’re welcome.
No pre-rose ceremony cocktail party threw not only Chris Harrison off guard but the ladies as well. Michelle says she feels something is off balance – the first real moment of self-awareness she’s shown! And in perhaps his finest moment, Brad sends the predatory, calculating, constantly glib Michelle packing. Her exit was classic. No words. No noise. No comment. Just her lying down in the back seat of the limo, eyes lidded in heavy black liner and shock. Farewell to thee, our unhinged beauty. I’m going to miss your catty but amusing talking head comments. My favorite line ever from The Big Bang Theory is about Sheldon being one lab accident away from becoming a super villain. Michelle was just one group date (which she HATED, in case you didn’t know) away from becoming a super villain herself. She really did make for good television.
Next up: hometown dates! Get ready to meet the families, y’all!
Quotes of the night:
“Not only do I not see them getting married, I don’t even see them friending each other on Facebook.” – Michelle
“Here’s what you can do – you can hold hands and maybe kiss sometime.” – Auntie B.
Clacked by Jane Graves 
on Feb 15, 2011 @ 13:30 EST5EDT
ROFL, I kept switching between The Bachelor and The Westminster Dog Show and honestly, I forgot which set of bitches was watching half the time!
Seriously, now that Michelle is gone, and there is no real threat of an axe murder in the girls house late at night, I like all the remaining girls. The only problem is that they are ALL too good for Brad. What were the producers thinking when they asked him back?
. . . . .
“… and one group gaggle …”
I choked when I read this, because – as one well knows – most groupings of women are known as “a gaggle.” Truth Speakin’ … !!!
If you indeed mistook Britt “… for a production assistant wandering in and out of the shots …”, that’s screaming volumes about her, isn’t it? *insert 70s game show loser horn here*
As in my Bob’s Burgers post of this very day-after-Valentine’s, you used the term “dollars to donuts” … just like me. Are you copying me? Or is it just that grape vines think alike? *swoon*
And! You linky-dinked Big Bang Theory in your post, too … just like me!
Mayhap some of these coincidences should be ‘splored further on an upcoming, sure-to-be-fabulous edition of Podclack!
You got rhythm, yes you do.
Your post was really funny..I really don’t want to watch this, but it’s like a train wreck, you just can’t look away. I think Emily is the most sane one of the bunch. She doesn’t get all wound up..she’s had some hard times in her life already and probably finds most of the girls’sheningans quite appaling.It is funny to watch Brad get all giddy around her, but I don’t think she is into him at all. She probably wishes that she could just leave and go home to her little girl.
*POST AUTHOR*
Thanks for commenting (and reading!) y’all!
Michael — great minds and grape vines do think alike. And while we may have been separated at birth, I still maintain you look better in heels than I do. That really is my most fave BBT reference and I try to work it in to any situation whenver possible.
Toni — I agree, I think Brad is way more into Emily than she is into him. And I would bet my half-eaten box of Valentine’s chocolate that she is the next Bachelorette, since I see him ending up with Chantal. Just a guess.
bronsont — agreed as well. The remaining women are all too good for Brad and this show. But it makes for great trainwreck television.
i WISH i was closer and we could have a watching party together…your observations were dead on with mine!!! soooo funny to read what you wrote and relive the horror of it all!!! the chocolate during the show (which subsequently kept me up all night) was a must to get through it…but being so ever faithful, i will be back again next week…same time, same place!! thanks for the laughs!!
Your reviews and real time tweeting of the Bachelor is as close as I’ve ever come to watching this train wreck and I still maintain what I said the other night – you are hilarious! Way more entertaining than this show could possibly be.