Welcome to the jungle: We’ve got Bachelor fun and games

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Hola!

Hola who?

Land shark.

Brad opening the door to his room and discovering a mascara-ed ball of unhinged manipulation, in the guise of a predatory Michelle, was a highlight of a very entertaining (at least for the audience!) Bachelor road trip to Costa Rica. I’m not so sure that Brad found it as amusing as the rest of us, since he spent much of the episode being bombarded by myriad emotions from the girie entourage. The fact that he didn’t give out a rose after the group date = a sign that things went a little off the expected jungle path.

Chantal O. gets the coveted one-on-one date with our hero. And yes, the “O.” is necessary so as not to confuse her with Shawntel N., although it does give the feel of being back in second grade when everyone was a first name and last initial on a valentine from the dime store.  This is Chantal’s second solo date, which does not sit well with some of her fellow entourage members. Namely, Michelle, who comforts herself, saying, “All I can do is be myself, be patient and hope that Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” Way to take your envy and make it jungle green with a local reference! The zip line date looks fun, even though it’s raining and raining and raining – a fact that seems to confuse both Brad and Chantal. Pssst … ya’ll are in a “rain forest.” This is not an unexpected thing. Think about it.

Brad wants him and Chantal O. to get back to rejuvenating what they had; to get back to their old ways. You know, from last week. His Looney Tune-esque bug eyes when Chantal sported only a white button down after taking off her rain-soaked clothes pretty much indicate that things were properly rejuvenated, as they say. She gets a rose, which apparently gives her the confidence to tell Brad at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party that she … wait for it … is in love with him. To which he replies something very benign. Just what every girl wants to hear. Frankly, this declaration of love was upstaged for me by the fact that Chantal was wearing something that looked like it was from the Pebbles Flintstone collection. But I digress.

The group date is, per Brad, “all about adventure and facing fear.” The gang is going to rappel down a waterfall. Predictably, we have The One Who Is Afraid of Heights, aka Jackie, and The One Who Is Pissed Because She Is on a Group Date, aka Michelle. I wonder if the makeup artist on the show should tell her that PermaBitchFace causes wrinkles. The gang ends up “relaxing” in a natural hot springs that remind me of a tropical version of the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion. I use the term “relaxing” loosely, as everywhere Brad turns – or swims – there’s a woman who is wearing her insecurities loud and proud on her bikini as an adornment. He’s so off put by this that he keeps that rose right on its faux silver tray, giving it to no one. Cue the crestfallen faces.

Sincere Alli gets her wish – a one-on-one date with Brad. Her date card said “Meet me at the altar.” That’s got something fun — like sacrificing a goat — written all over it, don’t you think? Alas, the altar refers to a set of natural stairs, the ending point of a cave hike. Yep, this date was a hike through a cave, where bugs and bats and things that go bump in the night cavorted all around. What wasn’t cavorting in that cave? Any chemistry between Alli and Brad. This becomes quite obvious during a very awkward dinner, where Alli, trying her sweet best to make an impression, cluelessly blathers on, blissfully ignorant of the lack of real connection on Brad’s part. He lets her down easily, playing the friend card and leaving the rose yet again on the faux silver tray.

¿Quien es mas cuckoo? Michelle or a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. It’s the chick, y’all. Her late night sneaky visit to see Brad was just on the edge of being stalker-like. Her behavior when there, listing the girls in the order in which she thought they should go home and putting Brad on the defensive, was simply crazy. Crazy. Crazy. She’s rappelling into reality show madness and love her or loathe her, you have to admit she makes good TV. Which, dear reader, is exactly why she’s still around.

After a relatively uneventful Rose Ceremony cocktail party, save for Chantal and Shawntel sussing out Michelle’s Midnight at the Oasis visit to Brad, Idina Menzel Jackie is sent home, leaving six lovelies battling for the heart of our hero in their next road trip stop, Anguilla.

PS: Hey Bachelor editors, you do have a sense of humor. Those praying mantis outtake shots at the end of the show were classic. To the ladies, that bug was a creepy crawly pest. To me, it was a proud insect, symbolizing the hijinks afoot in the casa de contestants. Speaking of which, the accommodations for this episode, The Springs Resort and Spa in Costa Rica, were spectacular. Totally worth a check-out.

Quote of the night: “You’re scaring me. You’re really scaring me.”  – Brad to Michelle

Clacked by Jane Graves
on Feb 08, 2011 @ 13:30 EST5EDT