Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies and Gentlemen!
May I direct your attention to the main ice where Skating With The Stars will open with a routine set to the Christmas standard “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”? And please … don’t think the song of choice is innuendo pointed at the show’s ratings. That’s just a coincidence.
Wasn’t that terrific? Always aiming to please! Now, folks, let’s concentrate on the three rings in the middle of our showroom where the highlights (if you can call them that) of our show will take place:
In the main ring, please welcome Vernon Kay and Tanith Belbin, our beleaguered hosts! Let’s have a warm round of applause for them, shall we? Because we all know during the course of the program they’ll be subject to a rough ride. See them jostle to keep things on the straight and narrow! See Vernon Kay jockey with the judges in a vain attempt to control their comments and render them brief and succinct! Watch him fail in so doing! (Side note: The producers need to supply Vern with a whip and chair for the last airings of the season. Trust me — it will help.) See Tanith try to extract meaningful dialog out of the just-off-the-ice performers! See her succeed with a greater percentage than that of Vern and the judges! See Vern stumble over his lines with relish and flair over the course of an hour! (“I hope someone brought the yellow caution tape, because it’s going to be dangerous tonight!”) What thrills! What chills! General Mills!
Now … may I please direct your attention to the ring off to the right side of the auditorium? It is there you will find the performers for tonight’s contest! See Jonny Moseley, Rebecca Budig and Bethenny Frankel put on a pretty damned good show between the three of them! See Jonny fling his partner so hard she struggles to gain her footing! See Rebecca hunker down in an effort to regain the top spot from Johnny on the leader board! See Bethenny smile through her teeth, all the while shooting lasers out her eyes at the judges! (It’s enough to melt the mousse in Johnny Weir’s coiffed ‘do’ to slag … !!!) See Brandon Mychal Smith nowhere in sight as he’s been removed from the competition because of illness! Too bad, so sad!
And … in our third and final ring, you can witness the antics of our esteemed (*cough, cough*) judges! See Johnny Weir snark up a storm and fling vitriol at Bethenny for not listening to his sage, wizened advice! See Dick Button trip over his words! [“Permit me to introduce myself: I am the Betty ‘Whyse’ of the skating world” he said to Bethenny. (He meant “Betty White.”) “You have the nicest bottom in this whole competition and it was sticking straight out there” he commented to Rebecca.] See Laurieann Gibson fling veiled insinuations left and right! (“I would want you to lift me anytime” she commented at one point to one of the pro skaters.) You never know what you’re going to get from those rascally judges, folks!
But wait … there’s more!
See the Zamboni paramedic unit creep onto the rink between performances! Let’s shave ice and tow off the fallen all in the same fell swoop!
If you miss out, folks, there’s always next week! The finals are coming fast and furious! Make sure you tune in! It’s not too late!
Any parting words, Vern?
“We saw three hospital visits and blood on the ice last week.
We’ve got 911 on speed dial just in case!”
That’s just super! Thanks, Vern!
Clacked by Michael Noble 
on Dec 14, 2010 @ 16:05 EST5EDT
It’s enough to melt the mousse in Johnny Weir’s coiffed ‘do’ to slag … !!! (rofl) you’re too much!
Dang…missed it again. If anything “exciting” does happen..it will hit youtube before morning!
I haven’t watched this one but obviously I am missing out. This Swts will try to check out SWTS next week ;-)
Watched about 2 shows of this and couldn’t take it. Now when it is on I just get on the computer while the other lady in the house watches it. So sad.