House’s top ten clinic cases

I get so caught up in the Big Picture of the House episodes, that often when I am writing about the show, I ignore the beautiful little gems that are the clinic patients. House himself hates clinic duty so much that sometimes I tend to share his attitude that we don’t want to be in the clinic — we want to be watching the real case. However, there are several hilarious and memorable clinic patients.

In no particular order (except, I suppose the order in which I remembered them) here are my favorites:

1. The kid who asks for depo-provera to kill his sex drive, claiming to be in love with cows. It’s actually because of his hot stepmom, with whom he has to live for a short period of time. He just wants to kill his sex drive to make his time living there bearable. After he shows House a picture of her, House gives him the shot. “Sex Kills,” Season 2, Episode 14.

2. The guy House prescribes cigarettes to. The patient is a Department store Santa with inflammatory bowel syndrome. He is in danger of being fired because his gas is so noxious; children don’t want to sit on his lap. “Cigarettes. One twice a day. No more, no less,” House tells him. The man protests that cigarettes are addictive and potentially harmful, and House replies that most of the medications he prescribes are. That’s one way of looking at it.  “Damned If You Do,” Season 1, Episode 5.

3. The old people and the Viagra. First, Ramona comes in complaining of pain from too much sex. She says she can’t take it anymore and could House please prescribe less Viagra? Then Myron comes in with the same complaint: Too much sex, but he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings. Oh, good intentions… House gives him a placebo and sends him on his way. Thus, the couple has a prescription to point to when they have less sex, so they have both saved their pride — and their privates. “Love Hurts,” Season 1, Episode 20.

4. The sleepwalker who visited her ex for sex at night and got pregnant via sexsomnia. She came in complaining of exhaustion. House told her she was pregnant, and she said she couldn’t be because she has been celibate since breaking up with her boyfriend … who lives in the apartment downstairs. House tells her she better figure things out because obviously some part of her is not finished with him yet. “Role Model,” Season , Episode 17.

5. The Snob Slob. This is one of my personal favorites. The patient comes in complaining that House is a slob. He picks at House’s clothes, his hair, his unshavenness, and his unprofessionalism. He says that House must be incompetent because of his sloppy appearance. House interrupts him to ask, “Do you clip your nose hairs with your toenail clippers?” The man has no idea what’s coming. Yes, he does use nail clippers. “You have athlete’s foot in your nose.” “One Day, One Room,” Season 3, Episode 12.

6. The patient who wants a breast biopsy done for what is probably just normal cysts that will go away on their own. Foreman doesn’t want to do the tests — he tells her that they are unnecessary and a waste of time and money. She is insulted by Foreman, but she thinks his name is House because Foreman is wearing House’s nametag — which House forced him to do. Foreman refuses to apologize to her. He is in the clear because House was supposed to be in clinic, so Cuddy insists that House must apologize or the patient will sue the hospital. House apologizes to the patient (who has never seen him before) after tripping over her with his cane. Cuddy sees him apologizing and then the patient decides not to sue. “TB or not TB,” Season 2, Episode 2.

7. The woman with the big tumor that makes her look pregnant. She won’t have it removed for fear that her husband, who adores her big figure, won’t think she is sexy any more. The husband comes in and begs House to save his wife’s life, and says he guesses he will still like her when there is less of her to love. House had previously thought the woman was insane for thinking that her husband preferred her big like that. “Heavy,” Season 1, Episode 16.

8. Georgia, played by Shirley Knight, has a little crush on Ashton Kutcher. She is 82 years old and brought in by her son. Among her symptoms is flirtation and exuberance. However, Georgia has brain damage caused by syphilis. Her son is horrified. Georgia flirts with House and initially refuses treatment. She says she’s old and she likes her new self, so what has she got to lose? House tells her that even if she gets rid of the syphilis, her brain damage is permanent, so she agrees to the treatment. “Poison,” Season 1, Episode 8.

9. The guy who tried to circumcise himself for his new girlfriend. With boxcutters. And ends up mutilating himself. Just the look on House’s face when the guy drops trou, paired with all. that. blood. Cringe inducing? Yes. Forgettable? No. “Autopsy” Season 2, Episode 2.

10.Grumpy Old Men. Last week’s episode featured an old man and an even older man. They wanted a whole battery of tests performed on the older man, because he was having trouble taking care of himself. Like the old couple who didn’t really want Viagra, the old men, who are father and son, don’t really want a battery of tests. They both bribe House to tell the other that the father should be in a nursing home.

What is particularly funny about this is that the son only gives House $30, so House berates him for being cheap and gets $40. He bribes Cuddy’s nanny $40 to stay an extra hour. And then when the father comes in and tells House he may not believe what he’s about to hear, House replies, “$40 says you’re wrong.” The father silently hands House a Benjamin. However, House figures out that the older man is actually sick because he uses too much denture cream. After he solves the puzzle, he tells them that they have to figure out how to deal with each other, because the father doesn’t need a nursing home. He then returns their bribe money, leaving the two old men gaping with cash in their hands. “Selfish,” Season 7, Episode 2.

Who are your favorite clinic patients?

Clacked by Jen Creer
on Oct 04, 2010 @ 15:00 EST5EDT