Remember that thing Aryeh said last week, about there finally being lots and lots of quotes for us to enjoy now that the fall shows are back? Yeah, what he said…. But if my editing got out of hand and I deleted your favorite, be sure to share in the comments.
Amazing Race
“I’ve never speed-walked this fast in my life.” – Brooke, uh, racing to the first clue box at Stonehenge
“You’ve got this. Right in the kisser.” – Brooke to Claire, trying to knock down a suit of armor, right before she took a watermelon to the face
“They looked like a couple of carnies in a dunking booth.” – Gary on Michael & Kevin’s attempts to stay afloat in a tortoise shell-shaped boat
The Glades
“Hey, am I on bluetooth?”- Jim
“Yeah.” – Callie
“So, I’m kinda like Kitt on Knight Rider, huh?” – Jim
Venture Bros.
“That poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing.” – Hunter
“Right? Yeah, they’re like The Notebook-sad!” – Brock
“Tits are like coming home and finding out that your old man ran over the cat-sad.” – Hunter
“Mournful. She has mournful tits. They’re like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.” – Brock
“Those things are like a little kid with Progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf Ball. Just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!” – Hunter
“It’s like she put a dollar’s worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.” – Brock
“I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful and dignified funeral.” – Hunter
“In all reported cases, the abductor was Zeus, the Greek god of thunder and rock ‘n’ roll. Yes! Agents Kenan and Kel?” – General Treister
“We just want it on record that we don’t like our code names.” – Red Mantle
Chuck
“Rumor has it you’re pregnant. Is there room in that womb for two? Let me know.” – Jeff to Ellie
“Cars have been following us for months!” – Lester
“How do you know they weren’t just driving behind you?” – Casey
Gossip Girl
“[On raising Milo] If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we.” – Vanessa
“As long as it doesn’t make me Guttenberg.” – Dan
“Oh, and who do you love? Nate, then Dan, then Dan again, Aaron, Gabriel Carter, Trip, then Dan again, then Nate again.” – Blair to Serena during their fake fight
“Once men have tasted caviar it baffles me on how they settle for catfish.” – Blair to Serena, on watching Nate kiss Juliet
House
“So, either I’m a changed man because of Cuddy, or I’m pretending to be a changed man because I do know something about Thirteen and I’m trying to throw you off the scent, OR I’ve just gone nutty bananas because I lost a patient. All of which you are free to discuss AFTER I get a diagnosis.” – House
“One peck. Just enough to arouse him a little.” – House
“I– hey– I’m not even–” – Wilson
“I didn’t mean YOU.” – House
“I’ve been more passionate with my great aunt.” – Wilson
“Mabel? Up high!” – House
House: [to Wilson] She didn’t even ask me to cough. [calling after Cuddy] I think you straightened out my limp a little!
“HR can’t find you a new supervisor.” – Cuddy
“How come?” – House
“Because you’re unsupervisable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.” – Cuddy
How I Met Your Mother
“That thing you’re packing is way to big to fit in that box.” – Barney
“Yeah, that’s what your mom said.” – Ted
“How dare you?!?!” – Barney
“No, she actually said that.” – Ted
“And how is my delicious little grandson?” – Barney’s Mom
“Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?” – Barney
“Check it. Ah? How cute is that, right? When was the last time you saw a diaper poking out of a Dolce and Gabbana Suit” – James
“Tuesday at work. Some of the senior partners are really getting up there.” – Marshal
“And Barney’s no help. He still believes every lie mom told us growing up. I caught on early. Careful! Michael Jackson gave me that glove for my 10th … Damn.” – James
“And then there’s the most popular parental lie in history.” – Lily
“Yeah but that’s a good lie … Like when we tell Ted he’ll me the right girl and settle down.” – Marshall
“I always find that reassuring.” – Ted
“You will meet her buddy!” – Marshall
“You think so?” – Ted
“Yeah!” – Marshall
“You said she was a 10!” – Ted
“I did not specific on what scale!” – Robin
“Here’s the truth. Sam is not your father.” – Barney’s mom
“Are you sure?” – Barney
“Yes … He’s black, dear.” – Barney’s Mom
Hawaii 5-0
“Oh, I’m sorry, I like to look like a professional.” – Danno
“A professional what?” – McGarrett
“This is not Guantanamo. You can’t hang a guy off the roof.” – Danno
“Book ‘em Danno.” – McGarrett
“Really, is that a thing now?” – Danno
NCIS: Los Angeles
“Yeah, we ran into Nate at the shooting range, he seemed kinda distant.” – Sam
“Probably just jet lag.” – Hetty
“We didn’t realize he’d just gotten back from …” – Callen
“Oh, his assignment, yes.” – Hetty
“Which was where again exactly?” – Sam
“He was in the People’s Republic of None of your Damn Business.” – Hetty
Life Unexpected
“It sounded like a bad episode of Saved By the Bell … which is redundant. So, let me put it to you this way, Screech. Let me in on this, or I tell Mr. Rogers that your cheating.” – Lux
“What about the midterm last week?” – Cate
“I … stole the answers from Math’s man-purse.” – Lux
“It’s a carry all … but that’s not the point.” – Math
Glee
“Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?” – Will
“He discovered America.” – Brittany
“How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? They’re like a hundred miles apart.” – Finn after readying the lyrics to “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)”
“I don’t brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.” – Brittany after chewing a plaque tablet that turned her teeth blue
“I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.” – Rachel after reading Britney Spears’ unauthorized biography
“Students who ate the ravioli today and are not up on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately.” – Principal Figgins at assembly
“This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.” – Brittany, at the dentist’s office
“Well Rachel, congratulations.Normally you dress like the perverted fantasy of a Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look.” – Santana on Rachel’s Britney makeover
NCIS
“Got a lot of guts coming out here alone. Actually, he’s got a lot of guts being over 60 and owning a Skype phone.” – McGee to Gibbs, on Mason
The Middle
“I finally have something to put on the cupboard besides my braces tightening schedule!” – Sue
“Cross Country’s a sport too.” – Frankie
“Is it? They run into the woods and come out two hours later. Lost dogs do the same thing.” – Mike
Cougar Town
“I forget you even have a kid. You never talk about Dan.” – Grayson
“Stan” – Andy
“Who cares.” – Grayson
“We just spent the last hour sifting through a shoe box containing a lock of my hair from my first haircut, all my baby teeth and something that looked like a dried apricot.” – Travis
“It’s either a part of his umbilical cord or the tip of his….” – Jules”
“Umbilical cord! Let’s just stick with umbilical cord.” – Travis
” I love the web. I mean look at this little kitty right here play the piano. Just like Bruce Hornsby. And have you ever heard the term ‘nip slip’?” – Bobby
“Bobby! It’s a Laurie Keller signature move!” – Laurie
“Do you remember the time he pooped in your mom’s purse? I mean, I had to hold it open for him, but still.” – Ellie, bragging about Stan to Andy
“I had an awesome goodbye with Travis yesterday. He gave me this computer and then we had one of those good solid man moments where everything is said but nobody’s talkin’. I call it a nonversation.” – Bobby
“Now, the internet is like a series of spider webs that connect us to each other. Oh, except that the webs are invisible. Oh, and the spiders are nerds.” – Laurie
“It smells just like him, it’s like a combination of self-doubt and lavender. He uses my body wash.” – Jules on her son Travis’ t-shirt
Survivor
“Coming back to camp after Tribal Council was so fake, faker than faux fur.” – NaOnka
“”I’m strong as any of the women, even though they’re built like … some of them are built like mooses.” – Danny
The Vampire Diaries
“I hear great things about you.” – Mason
“That’s weird. ‘Cause I’m a dick.” – Damon
30 Rock
“Do you remember my tattoo mishap? It was supposed to say peace, but they wrote white hooker instead.” – Jenna
“Full disclosure, most of my experience is putting babies in women.” – Dr. Spaceman, before Angie’s delivery
“[I] attended Harvard business school where I was voted ‘most.’ I once hit a stand up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say ‘I need a vacation from this vacation.’ The song ‘You’re So Vain’ was, in fact, written … by me.” – Jack
“Drugs during childbirth? Isn’t the whole point for God to punish you?” – Kenneth
“Here’s a CD of some Civil War songs I thought you’d like. But it’s very authentic, so don’t play it around your black friends.” – Richie
“And we have this just in to us, Richie and Liz, spotted in a tree. Eyewitnesses reports have them K-I-S-S-I-N-G. For more let’s go to NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.” – Brian Williams
Community
“If they gave away awards for mind games, the statue would be Jeff Winger doing it to a brain.” – Alan
“If I wasn’t actively repressing my bisexuality, I would kiss you full on your beautiful mouth.” – Alan
Outsourced
“‘Everyone has potential’. I’ll file that under American myths, with ‘the sky’s the limit’ and the WNBA.” – Rajiv
Bleep My Dad Says
“Any new technology leads to my kids masturbating.” – Ed, explaining why the internet is not allowed in his house
Smallville
“And I thought those Sex and the City girls had gaudy tastes.” – Lois, examining an ancient Egyptian necklace.
Supernatural
“So either we’ve got monsters grabbing babies to make baby stew or we’ve got a bunch of psychotic yokels grabbing babies to make baby stew. Either way, it’s baby stew which is bad.” – Samuel Campbell
“This is like defusing an IED, with poop.” – Dean, changing a diaper for the first time
Clacked by Debbie McDuffee
on Oct 03, 2010 @ 11:00 EST5EDT
I love House and Community. I am seeing reports that people are not watching Community. I do not understand that.
Extra points for the Venture Bros. quotes from me :-)