Hell’s Kitchen – Bloody Hell. Here we go again!

It’s really pretty easy to make me happy. All I need are some tasty waves, a good pizza and … oh wait. That’s not me. That’s Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. O.K. All I need is some roasted almonds, my toasty fleece blanket and the return of my Gordon Ramsay and Hell’s Kitchen! (I could also use some voice over work, but that’s neither here nor there.)

If you are just joining me after all this time, where the f@#* have you been, you donkey? I’m sorry. That’s Gordon’s influence in action. Whenever the new season of the show starts, my vocabulary goes straight to hell. See? I said “hell.” Dammit! Oh, let’s just cut to the chase, shall we?

Pictured over there is the guy I have pegged for this season (or as long as he lasts) to bother and stupend us. His name is Raj, and he is just clueless. A lot of people wonder why I spend my time watching these competition/reality shows. Well, he is a perfect example!

It amazes me that Raj was chosen from over ten thousand chefs to compete. But maybe it doesn’t. Obviously, producers are looking for contestants that will baffle, confuse and sometimes anger us. That’s for ratings, people. Enter Raj.

He likes to drink in the dorms and do karate. A la Elvis. He sort of looks like Elvis too. But Fat Elvis, not Cute Elvis. He calls doing karate at odd moments a “bad habit.” And as with all bad habits, it’s not very attractive, karate having all the sweating and grunting. Yet, I still find myself chortling and rubbing my hands together. (Again I must say, if you are just joining me, I have a bit of a dark side.)

Raj’s signature dish for the first challenge “looks a mess,” according to Gordon. But Raj talks himself a good game constantly. He just can’t back it up at all. When asked to wait tables for the grand opening, he fakes a French accent and has no idea how to take orders or even what’s on the menu.

Raj always looks like a raccoon in headlights. He does a lot of twirling in circles, and when spoken to (or yelled at) by my Gordon, he gives a strange blank stare and stays silent. You can hear crickets chirping!

I also love some of the things he says. Like, “I’m a little bit worried about Chef Ramsay’s karma.” Raj’s teammates call him “delusional” and even Gordon says he “looks like a walking corpse.”

And we saw in the second challenge that not only do his teammates think he’s worthless, but they’re starting to want to kick his ass. Fellow Blue Team member Vinny acted as waiter for the second HK dinner, and actually encouraged diners not to order side dishes, because he knew Raj was on that station. Oh, and when Gordon found out I thought he’d shoot monkeys out of his cute nether region, he was so angry.

But not only at Raj for being so slow and strange. No, at Vinny. He overstepped his bounds there, and Gordon let him know it. At the end of last night’s double episode, the men are losing so badly that they all turn on Raj. I’m a bit concerned ( O.K., excited) that the previews show major mayhem ahead.

We lost three people this first week. Lisa, who could not for the life of her cook fish. Curtis, a Southern boy who screwed up sushi for two hours. And Antonia. She didn’t last the first day before getting some awful migraine (probably due to her dish making Gordon barf) and was trotted away in an ambulance!

I don’t want to tell you what to do, but you should play along with me this season! It’s going to be a bumpy ride. I didn’t even get a chance to ask you what you think of crazy Boris. What cojones.  He mocked Gordon’s accent behind his back! (Or so he thought.)

Or Sabrina. She’s the next one on my list. She tried to say Nona should be kicked off instead of her, because “she snores.” Sabrina has the deadly combo of being mean and strange!

So once again, I’m as happy as Sarah Ferguson eating a cheesecake. What about you? Are you ready??

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on Sep 23, 2010 @ 09:00 EST5EDT