Michael: Obviously what we have here is the perfect mother. ‘Simple Rules’ Woman knows what she wants and nothing is going to prevent her from getting her way …
Hokay … maybe not. Rather, she knows exactly what she doesn’t want and she’ll fight to the death to stand by that right.
Do you get that impression of her? Because, well … it’s … just … WOW….
Tara: She’s kind of a scary broad, she is. And the poor kids can’t even have a dog. Himmler!
Michael: Himmler was probably one of her relatives. Family influences are strong, you know.
Tara: She looks German. To tell you the truth, I always wonder *why* she needs to smooth her hair that way. Very distracting. Does she have her little flying monkey minions in that coif? The ones that do her bidding?
Michael: I bet she does. Plus! Dollars to donuts she pays them under the table, too. (What little she does pay them, that is … most likely rotten, two week old banana chunks, I reckon.)
Tara: She probably puts plastic covers on her couches too.
Michael: In her car as well. The way she feels about that car of hers, cash money says she’s never had a ‘party in the back of her pink Cadillac’ (or Acura in this case), either. Goes without saying she hates Bruce Springsteen, too. And that’s just sad …
Tara: And UnAmerican! It’s UnAmerican to hate Bruce Springsteen! He’s hawt.
Michael: And another thing: The title of the promotion is “Driven By Reason Sales Event”? Really? I don’t think so, Tim. How ’bout “Driven By Those Who Have A Stick So Far Up Their Glutes They Can’t Help But Sit Up Straight In Their Seat While Driving Sales Event”? Much more fitting….
Tara: Heh. I like that. But who’s Tim?
Michael: *sigh* Tim? “I don’t think so, Tim.” Tim “The Toolman” Taylor? “Tool Time” television show Tim? Oh … never mind.
And another thing: Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones? Bet they were psychic back in the day. You think they were talking about ‘Simple Rules’ Woman when they wrote She’s So Cold?
*sings like Mick* “… She’s so cold she’s so cold, cold, cold … and when I touch her my hand jus’ froze …”
Tara: Wait. Back up. You were talking Tim Allen, who does the voice-over. Yeah, I blocked him out. He really cranks me up. Because! True story: One time I was sitting next to him at a swanky place in L.A. and I overheard him say that he always mentions grips and gaffers and stagehands when he accepts an award. He went on to say that once “these kind of people” hear their names on television, they wait on him hand and foot the rest of the year. Idiot!!
Michael: *suddenly realizes he’s backing up for no reason whatsoever* So … Tim Allen would be the perfect suitor for ‘Simple Rules’ Woman if she ever got divorced! Assuming, of course, she unshackle her current husband from his 99 years to life ball and chain sentence….
Tara: I find Super Gluing husbands to their chairs to be much more beneficial. Less rattling!
Michael: *sigh*
Clacked by Michael Noble 
on Jun 25, 2010 @ 10:00 EST5EDT
I think I know her
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Better: I believe one of your personalities channels her …
Hey! I let my son have a pet. It’s my landlady who said no to a dog. And I twirl or flip my hair. Smoothing is not my thing. Trench coat is hiding something. I bet she wears mom jeans.
I agree with Tara…what is with the hair thing. Acura is an overpriced Honda!
Tut mir leid aber ich glaube ganz ehrlich, dass James Spader da spricht.
Oh you guys don’t understand german? Say it aint so. I was under the impression you understood perfect german. Nevermind, I’m here for you “inferior races” to translate. The video you embedded to me clearly doesn’t have Tim Allen in it. Rather James Spader. But that’s just me. Maybe my hearing is simply perfect while yours isn’t, nein?
Spader or Allen…they are interchangeable since they both get all the commercial voice over work anyway.
You just wanted to get around “Secretary” innuendo, admit it ;-)
We know they were just joking around, but you being German would certainly justify you taking some offense. I thought it a bit insensitive, but then I stepped back and realized that I might be turning into one of those people who take offense at anything that they can (mis)construe as offensive.
If it helps, I don’t mind “taking one on the chin” and giving you free reign to call me a fat, lazy American! It won’t bother me at all, but it’s because I’m really a fat, lazy American! :o) (Okay, not so much lazy, but I could lose a few pounds and an extra chin)
I didn’t add a smiley because the article didn’t either :-)
To be honest I found it irritating that Himmler is also someone you guys make fun of. I thought the jokes usually involve Nazis in general or Hitler. It’s irritating because Himmler is the guy who ran the Gestapo and very effectively organized the KZs (killing a couple million Jews, Sinti, Roma, gays etc. etc.) and he was captured and allowed to commit suicide… so I used that in a joke in the same spirit.
Don’t worry about the fat and lazy part. We Europeans are trying very hard to catch up on that. Back in 86 we had one McDonalds and nothing else in my hometown, now we have 7 McD, 3 Burger King, about half a Dozen Subways, a Taco Bell and other local Burger joints. It’s kinda impossible not to get fat around here now ;-)
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Tom AKA Lenny: I ‘take one on the chin’ like it’s my job. Life is more exciting that way.
Another aside? I refer to The Golden Arches as ‘McCrappage’. Because that’s what they serve. Yet another aside? I get satisfaction in ordering things with ‘mc’ in front of them.
I amuse myself in strange ways.
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*sigh*
Sometimes things work … sometimes they don’t.
Let’s get down and dirty and do a little dissecting here, shall we?
I use the phrase “I don’t think so, Tim” often in my everyday language. (It’s a ‘condition’. Something you can make fun of
me about.) To be honest, I didn’t even pay attention to who did the voiceover in the commercial above. It was complete randomosity I noted Tim Allen … and expanded on it when Tara mentioned it. Viewing the commercial for my umpteenth time, I know it’s James Spader doing the VO. He just wasn’t the focus of my banter. Isn’t it funny how certain people grasp onto something while others (me) brush it off their shoulders like lint?
Regarding Himmler: It was a funny aside to Tara and I. Funny, obviously, only to Tara and I. But no offense was intended in using Himmler in our back and forth, Sebastian. (Thus, the use of my beloved drama button in my “one of her relatives” line above.) And it is funny. Now, Jeffrey Dahmer and trailer trash and dopey white boy references? Yep. I think they’re funny too, despite my being trapped in a white guy guise.
And … for the record: I don’t use emoticons. Matter’n fact, I despise them.
Speaking of Allen who didn’t do the voiceover in the commercial and Spader who did do the voiceover in the commercial (enough, already!), rumor has it they’re continually coming to blows over who is featured in commercial ads. Funny in itself, being we either head to the ‘library’ or the kitchen to get something to eat when they come on.
Hehe :-)
I think the sarcasm was apparent in my post and I simply mentioned the emoticons because you usually get attacked for not using them. That wasn’t a critique towards you. Hey I’m not angry about the post, just wanted to underline that.
We just had a lengthy, nationwide discussion about a female TV reporter remarking something about a german soccer player after he shot a goal. It was a remark referencing the 3rd Reich in a way the Antifaschists do (ridiculing the way Nazis marched during their NSDAP party gatherings, Nuremberg if you know what I mean – not the trials, the marches).
Many didn’t understand the pun and the german Twitterverse went batshit over it. It’s the same with the current gatherings – public viewings – for the german soccer matches. We finally have a lot of german players with foreign roots (Poland, Spain, Brazil, Turkey) and still people feel uneasy when all the soccer fans now display the german colors on their cars, on their window sills… there are flags everywhere. You can’t imagine how I was attacked for saying that everybody in the world seems to be ok with making fun of the Nazis but we still think it’s political incorrect. And here I am reading a Himmler joke and laugh about it. I should feel very very guilty and it’s YOUR fault ;-)
I would say Spader. It just doesn’t sound like Buzz Lightyear to me.
It’s definitely not Tim Allen. I can’t say for certain it’s James Spader, but I can say with absolute certainty that’s not Tim Allen.
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I confess: I’ve never seen any of the Toy Story films. Don’t shun me.
Then you are missing out on some great fun. The Toy Story movies have all been real gems in my opinion. My youngest one loves them, my daughter off at college loves them and my wife and I love them. You’re doing yourself a great disservice by missing out on some of the most fun you’ll have watching movies.
Michael…get thee to a DVD player and discover the world of toys or I shall cover you in bacon and release the Bumpass’ hounds. (Please don’t tell me you’ve never seen A Christmas Story or the shunning shall begin in earnest.)
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Michael <——- instigator.
Guilty as charged. Blame me all you want, Sebastian. I have big shoulders. I can take it.
OK OK it’s not Tim Allen. But my story is still true!
Re: the Himmler thing. obviously it was not meant to be offensive. I’m half German myself. I made that joke, as an absolutely over the top ridiculous comparison.
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Tom AKA Lenny:
One day … one day … I will be able to unlax and get to the Toy Story trio. I know therein lies spiffy stuff and I will probably kick myself for not having viewed them sooner.
I lead a sheltered life (… I had to pause before continuing as I had a difficult time typing while guffawing), but it has not been so sheltered as to have been absent a necessary viewing or 100 of “A Christmas Story”. Matter’n fact, over my lifetime, I’ve been the lucky recipient of three – count’em … 1 … 2 … 3 – leg lamps. Two have gone on into the world as regifts to bring joy and happiness to other individuals, one retains a cherished place in our home.
P.S. I love bacon. I mean – what’s not to love? I could go on about it for days. “… or I shall cover you in bacon and release the Bumpass’ hounds.” Trust me: The Bumpass Hounds wouldn’t stand a chance …
i always watch that commercial…if recorded, i will replay it in its entirety///
i am in love with her…what’s her name?