I know, music videos — crazy, right? Who watches those anymore? The answer should be: you. Because believe it or not, music videos still kind of matter. I’m not saying we’re taking a time-portal back to the ’80s and ’90s when MTV actually stood for music television, but some music videos come out that still have the power to shock and awe us, or at least make us watch them on YouTube a few times and go, “Oh man, did you see that?” It’s not about the music with these bad boys, it’s about the video. So if you want to look super-hip during the next water cooler gossip session, I suggest these are the three music videos you should educate yourself on.
The Song: “OMG” by Usher, ft. will.i.am
The Synopsis: Usher recalls his favorite trope — Fred Astaire-inspired hip-hop dancing in blue and green lasers with a fedora on. It’s like a remix of the “Yeah” music video, but without the weird Lil’ John cameos, and far more throwbacks to classic Hollywood choreography like fancy fedora flipping and dancing with his own shadow (but with the added bonus of now zooming through the air like he’s in a kung-fu movie). Visually pleasing, with only short cameos by half-naked women, all of whom actually serve a function by dancing instead of just standing there pouting their lips! Plus, let’s consider the song: remixed sports cheering for visceral reaction + catchy pop hook crooned by Usher + will.i.am = instant summer hit.
Warning! May cause laser-induced seizure, and the need to claw out eyes after viewing will.i.am’s pants, which look eerily like he put his legs through the arms of a sweater and wore it to the music video shoot.
The Song: “California Gurls” by Katy Perry, ft. Snoop Dogg
The Synopsis: Snoop Dogg plays a crazy version of Candyland using Katy Perry as his game piece. Katy Perry alternates between being clothed in various forms of sweets (my personal favorite is the cupcake bra, or perhaps the dress made out of the kind of paper that has those candy dots on it), freeing models trapped in various confections, giggling over fantastical sugary creations (candy canes that turn into snakes, etc), and residing naked in a cloud of strategically-placed cotton candy in only a lavender wig. The viewer is never informed as to what this has to do with the song. Or why Katy Perry feels the need to ruin your summer diet. At the end of the music video, Snoop Dogg decides to invade Candyland with his army of gummy bears, which the mighty Katy Perry defeats by attaching whipped cream squirt bottles to her bra and lactating all over them.
I am so not making this up.
Warning! May cause intense sugar cravings. Song will be stuck in your head for at least four hours after viewing, probably more. Plus (and I feel I cannot repeat this enough), Katy Perry attaches highly phallic whipped cream bottles to her bra and then squirts strings of white stuff everywhere while making a sexy face. I have many questions about what’s supposed to be going on here, and none of them are even remotely appropriate.
The Song: “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga
The Synopsis: Remember the good-old-days when a Madonna music video used to shock everybody (and not because of her creepy arms)? Miss them? Well, yearn no more, because Lady Gaga is back with another near ten-minute opus that fetishizes and ticks off everyone, especially people who feel strongly about Lady Gaga having eyebrows. (In this music video, she doesn’t. And as someone who has blond eyebrows that must be penciled in, I say that visible brows are not a gift that should be wasted.) I’m not sure if there’s a storyline here so much as just Lady Gaga in her weird, dystopian world where there are leather-clad hulking gay men with Jewish star emblems attached to their backs, Gaga deep-throating a rosary and wearing a pleather outfit that has a cross over her hoo-hah but also looks like Klan robes … and then some stuff burns and she shoots the machine guns that come out of her bra. (What is it with women shooting stuff from their bras this summer? I guess it’s a new trend.) Oh, and she simulates having semi-kinky sex with her hella-gay dancers.
Just, you know, an average Lady Gaga video.
Warning! This video is offensive to everyone in the name of “art.” This is both a warning and a reason you totally need to see it.
Clacked by Julia Hass 
on Jun 21, 2010 @ 14:00 EST5EDT
