And the winner is … Pamela Anderson and her boobs!

OK. I have 7 pages of notes on the finale of Dancing With the Stars. Seven. This does not surprise me. Because when I was working in radio, back in the days before the annihilation of real bodies sitting in the seats behind a microphone (disc jockeys), my bosses always told me I was too verbose. They wanted me to talk about everything and nothing within 15 seconds. Good training for this post. I could go on and on. Come to my house, and I’ll make you a nice spinach salad and you can hear all the details and rambling thoughts I have. But, to make it easy for now, I will call the spirits of Program Directors past into my little office, and make magic with a word I hate. Synopsis.

There were screams, streamers, bangles, boobs, and irrelevance. Past contestants from the Dancing reappeared for more of their five minutes.  A lot of the show was given over to them, so here’s my take….

Buzz Aldrin : is super cute. He “danced” to a Star Wars themed hoopla that the crowd loved. Yet I couldn’t help but agree with the Husband, hiding behind his hands, and calling people over 80 being able to be on the show “cruel.” Think about it, he’s right.

Kate Gosselin: remains evil. Even she admits that 90 percent of her “fans” hate her and want her to fail. She goes on to give her partner, Tony, hell again in her finals “dance.” If you can call stomping around with a crappy look on your face “dancing.” The Husband said “Don’t give her a sentence, it’s just more publicity.” Oops. But she’s a shrew! You gals will understand.

Pamela Anderson and Neicy Nash : As host Tom Bergeron introduced them, “A celebration of all things jiggly!” So they, um, did that. Pam especially didn’t dance so much, as pushed out her “girlfriends” around, and humped and rode some rather lucky boy companions. I mean, if you like silicone. I’m sorry, do I sound bitter?

Now to the meat and potatoes of this dancing dish. Or, the potatoes and veggies with Hollandaise, as I’m not a big flesh eater. A recipe too, Tara? Why yes, my lovelies. Enjoy!

For the first dance of the evening, the remaining stars and their partners all had to pick their favorite of the season. And they all picked the Argentine Tango. So it was pretty easy to see who would come in 3rd, 2nd and 1st with the judges. Nicole won, and Erin got da boot.

Which brings me to Erin and Maks . I can admit when I’m wrong. At first I thought she was going along with Maks so readily, in fear of him. It turns out, they are the cutest couple EVAAAHH! (Oprah, how did you get into my office? Someone please escort her out!)

In their overall video package, we see them first meeting, and then they say the absolute most unexpected things about each other. I’m talking about hard-hearted Maks here. Examples? OK.

Maybe I just have one. I’ve watched Maks for a few seasons now, and when I saw them argue like marrieds, with affection and humor, I perked up. Then Maks said he felt like he made the finals when he saw her smile for the first time. *sniff* That is so not Maks! Erin had gone through a bad time the last year, and that’s why she wanted to be on the show. Then she gets Scary Partner, and softens him. There’s a Hallmark miniseries in my head right now!

So it’s on to Obvious Winner and Olympic Guy who’s trying to make us believe he’s got chemistry and charisma with his partner. I mean Evan and Anna.  They come up with a bevy of excuses, but they know. And we know that they know what we know. Yes, I did steal that from Friends.

Really. I’ve told you for the past several weeks how clear this has been. Nicole is fabulous. Derek is the best choreographer. Nicole was a Pussy Cat Doll pop star. We all know that means she’s never danced before. Whut?? Just checking if you were paying attention.

Nicole and Derek blow out da house and get a perfect score. Evan and Anna do their best and get a score of 28. Now it’s up to the voters. Um, not really. Do they think we’re on life support?

Thus, season ten is done, with the trophy getting presented among much hoopla. Maybe the trophy should be bigger or something. It seems like an awful lot to go through. I think I won a trophy of that size for placing second in State Forensics.

So compadres, here’s my final thought about DWTS. Should they allow pop stars and professional athletes anymore? They really do have the edge. Is that fair? And is it fair to include the geriatric portion of celeb society? You tell me. Because the Husband and I can’t agree on this one. We’re as much in love as Erin and Maks!

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on May 26, 2010 @ 11:00 EST5EDT