DWTS finale already? But Maks’ beard hasn’t even grown in yet!

We saw many different styles on Dancing with the Stars in the almost final go-round last night; the waltz, rumba, samba, and crazy freestyles. They all had one thing in common — great improvement in the contestants’ abilities, you ask? Well yeah, but….

Marvelous footwork and dizzying lifts, you ask? Of course, but….

And what about Tom and Brooke? Were they there making stupid jokes and pointing out the obvious?

Listen you. I don’t know who you are, but you ask a hell of a lot of questions. If you’d just pipe down for a second … thank you.  Yes, there was all that and more. The more being a new move called hair whuppin’. This is not a technical term by any means. I just made it up, as I noticed every chick did it in every dance, no matter the style. See, you throw your neck around and around like you’re trying to break it, and don’t forget the extensions. It’s no good without masses of fake hair. Try it at your next school dance. But please direct all lawsuits to the producers of DWTS.

Three couples are still twitching. Erin and Scary (uh, Maks) , Nicole and Derek, and Evan and Pissed (erm, Anna). Each couple had to perform a “Redemption Dance” (i.e. it sucked at the beginning of the competition, so do it again), and a freestyle.

Everyone did better in the first round. This should be a no-brainer, as it has been proven that people get better at things over time. Except maybe if you’re Buzz Aldrin.

So the first round, blah blah blah. And since I have extra space, that reminds me to mention co-host Brooke Burke, and all the extra space she seems to have. In. Her. Head.

Brooke, Brooke. If you ask the contestants “how they feel” after their scores come in one more time, I’ll … well, I don’t know what. Really, is that even a question? Let’s think about it. OK, a couple does really well and gets a score of 30. How do you think they feel? Weepy? Indifferent? And let’s say a couple ruins a lift, falls down, and one of them barfs on Tom Bergeron. Will they *feel* ecstatic? Gah! Your assignment, Brooke, should you choose to accept it, is to make up another backstage question for next season.

On to the freestyle! This is the best dance of the season, and as Pissed (Anna) points out, the couple who does the best in this performance usually takes home the trophy.

Erin and Maks enter the freestyle with a score of  29. In rehearsal when Maks is interviewed, he says their freestyle will “tell the story of Erin and I.” Well! All I can say is boom chicka wow wow then! The “dance” started on a couch and ended on a bed, with Erin’s dirty bare feet and all. As judge Len said, it was “emotion and commotion.” Final score 55 for the night. And they should get a room next time. Heh. I haven’t said “get a room” in years.

Nicole and Derek are gonna win. They messed up in the freestyle with a lift at the end though. I have to say here, just cause I can, that Nicole is starting to be a bit of a showboat now. She and Derek and the high fives and blowing kisses and bows and hugs. Tom even warned Nicole that if she took any more bows The Bachelorette would start late! Expect her to flip out, maybe literally, when she wins.  Final score 55 out of 60.

I saved Evan and Pissed (Anna) for last.  As Dorothy said to the scarecrow, I think I’ll miss you most of all. The judges keep pointing out the lack of chemistry between these two. I’ve told you some of my guesses as to why. (Male figure skaters don’t like “hairspray” for one).

But not only do these two not like each other … put them on the opposite pole of the Erin and Maks love fest. In rehearsal for their freestyle, Evan makes Anna cry! He makes suggestions. She shoots them down. She makes more suggestions. He makes fun of them. She says “Whatever.” He walks out to go to the rink. She sits and cries. It’s like a soap with dancing thrown in! *rubbing palms together and laughing maniacally*

So a choreographer comes in and takes over, as Evan and Anna just cannot agree. But I love how Evan gets his revenge on her these last couple of weeks. It’s always at the end of the dance. One time, he bent her down, kissed her brutally, and bonked her head hard on the floor.

This time he picked her up, she did the splits in the air, and he whammed her “taco” right on the ground. Yow. I crossed my legs in sympathy for five minutes after. Even Tom said, “That had to hurt!” Final score 52 out of 60.

Expect to see the pop star with tons of previous dance experience waltz away with the Mirabel trophy. Not Mirrorball. Although that’s cuter, and they should probably change the name. I’ll tell Brooke Burke when she shows up at my door to rip out my hair.

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on May 25, 2010 @ 10:00 EST5EDT