“One day I’m going to be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat.” – Phil, when Jay takes over the grill from him
“Oh, he owns Earth Gear Apparel. I have their ski pants.” – Cam
“You … you don’t ski.” – Mitchell
“I have cargo pants and I don’t work at the docks.” – Cam
“It’s Cameron’s turn to be out in the world, interacting with other adults. While I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer…. Fill her backpack with bricks and throw her into Candy Cane river.” – Mitchell
“Why do I have to come to these things?” – Alex
“Because you love your brother.” – Claire
“Why don’t you make him go to my orchestra concerts?” – Alex
“Because we love your brother.” – Phil
“Home come you’re not coaching?” – Claire
“Because your dad coached football.” – Phil
“I’m sorry … and I am going to make it up to you tonight….” – Claire
“And I’ll be thinking of your dad when you do.” – Phil
“Hmm … disturbing.” – Claire
“What’s my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird, and he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings … and he can fly. Unless he has absolutely no hand-eye coordination.” – Phil
I believe it was “throw [Dora] into Candy Cane River.”
“$2.95… $2.95… $4.95… $2.95… $3.95… $2.95…” – Mitchell
“40% off… 40% off… 40% off…” – Cameron
“I-I think I can help. You’re not your mom. *beat* Wow, that’s your mom. Oh, I just got chills.” – Phil to Claire
“I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to stand here and feel sorry for myself. You know what we should do?” – Claire
“Get pregnant.” – Gloria
“I was gonna say go for ice cream.” – Claire
“Okay, we do yours first.” – Gloria
Phil: He better cool it or I’m going to introduce him to the Captain and Tenille (as he puts his fists out).
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Cam: I’m in a really dark space. Being away from my Lily is literally torture. But I can’t pressure Mitchell. But I really, really… really just want him to get a job, so I can go back to being a stay-at-home dad slash trophy wife.
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Phil: Father-in-laws are tough because you can’t let ‘em push you around and you also have to show them respect. It’s like walking a tightrope. Which, by the way, I can do, because I went to trapeze school. Did Jay? I doubt it.
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