Sometimes I kind of feel like my life is like a sub-plot in Modern Family. Like today, for example. My column was technically due Tuesday, but on Tuesday I was passed out on my couch moaning and dying of the world’s worst cold, so typing was a bit beyond my skill set. Today I came home from class and sat down to type up my column, only to find that everyone who I had ever left a phone message or e-mail for had decided it would be a really great day to get back to me. So I replied to them all, and then the high farcical tragi-comedy really starts.
First, my best friend who I haven’t spoken to in two weeks calls back (let’s assume for this argument that I’m, say, Mitchell trying to get some taxes done and this is Cam calling to tell him about something Lily is doing). Much like Mitchell, I can’t really say no. I mean it’s my best friend! Usually I talk to her, like, every other day!
So there goes that hour and a half. At this point, we would have cut away to Jay and Gloria arguing, or something.
Cut back and I’m finally off the phone, and then my mom — let’s pretend she’s Claire — calls me and doesn’t want Phil to be condescending about not getting technology. She’s decided that even though she has the directions right in front of her on how to fix some problem she has with Microsoft Word, and even though I don’t know anything more than she does, I need to stand there, and tell her if I think what she’s doing is right. Like I know if she’s doing something right. (And do I know? No. But am I forced to sit there for a half hour making positive “mmm” noises at the appropriate times? Yes.) On top of this, during the few attempts to start my article, I’d spilled my glass of ice water on myself, my internet crashed (twice), and my mother reminded me at least three times that didn’t I say I was going to do the dishes and walk the dog?
And then my friend Nicole (let’s make her Manny) came online. Usually I’m so willing to indulge her in a game of “my boss gave me five hours of work for an eight hour workday and then blocked every site that might allow me to pass the time sitting in my soulless cubicle without stabbing my eyes out with a fork due to boredom, such as Youtube, please help me not do that.” Except today. Today Nicole logged on and went, “So about that guy at lunch I was telling you about yesterday…” and I went, “OH JESUS CHRIST NOT TODAY, I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS STUFF.”
Poor Nicole/Manny. They had no idea.
If my life were truly an episode of Modern Family, here in the episode there would be some contrived family get-together in which everything is kind-of-sort-of solved, this column would be the greatest column I’ve ever written (hah hah hah) because somehow my family made me stronger, blah blah blah, hilarious talking heads, blah blah, credits, blah. That did not happen. Nor did any zingy one-liners crop up during the day. In fact, it kind of all-around sucked.
I guess this is kind of the genius of Modern Family — stuff that happens to us every day is somehow made to be gloriously funny, or endearing, or just plain awesome. And we keep tuning in because we become attached to the wonderful characters whose lives are so like ours, and yet so much better. And this is totally great for ABC and their ratings, but it’s given me unrealistic expectations in life.
You guys owe me a one-liner or two.
Clacked by Julia Hass 
on Apr 08, 2010 @ 18:21 EST5EDT
