American Idol – Like watching paint dry

There’s no doubt that American Idol has been a bit of a chore this season. Even I am having difficulty keeping a cheery attitude. Snort.

But, because I’m all about being helpful, I hereby present the following for your dining and dancing pleasure. You can thank me later.

25 Things You Can Do That Will Help You Get Through The Idol Auditions:

* Wait patiently for your chance to comment on How Reaper Would Have Ended, Straight Form The Creators on CliqueClack.

* Head to the Home Depot website and determine which grit sandpaper Kara DioGuardi’s voice is comparable to.

* Go for that third bowl of Rocky Road ice cream. What the hell. You deserve it.

* Pull out your ancient “Winky Dink” screen, attach it on your television and draw humorous images on Randy and Simon’s shirts.

* Download an emotionless image of yourself. Photoshop severe looking hairdos on the image based on Posh Spice’s designs.

* Do a shot of your favorite adult beverage each time Randy Jackson spews: “What is up, man?”

* Take stock in the fact you will never get those 60 minutes back you wasted on that last episode of American Idol.

* Make a list of Simon Cowell replacements for next year, prepare explanations for your choices, mail them to FOX, wait patiently.

* With your television on mute, mimic the best sound effects and theme music you can muster each and every time the American Idol logo appears after a commercial break.

* Dream of Paula’s sudden return, clap like a seal spontaneously.

* Toss pillows, rubber bricks or your daughter’s Barbie collection at the screen each time Kara DioGuardi makes a stupid comment. (Have a large supply of things to toss if you plan on doing this.)

* With your television on mute, pretend you are the voice of Simon, critiquing a contestant.

* As quickly as you can, count the people in the stands waiting to audition for Idol.

* Open all your doors and windows and yell as loudly as you can, “I could do better than that!” after each audition. Your neighbors will adore you.

* Call 911. Tell them a crime is being committed on American Idol right this very moment and someone better get over there post haste.

* Picture yourself in that outfit … yes, that one … the one that contestant is wearing, the one with the stripes.

* Determine whether or not Sanjaya Malakar could’ve sung that last song better.

* Tune in to Idol all giddy and stuff realizing Ellen DeGeneres is finally going to appear … kick yourself when you realize that won’t happen ’til next week.

* Call into Idol and vote after each audition. Just to practice.

* Imagine how much better the audition rounds would go if the Lost smoke monster was on the judge’s panel.

* See how many Cheez Doodles you can stuff in your pie hole before the next commercial break.

* Watch Idol while standing on your head.

* Pretend you are the contestant … ape their moves while they are singing.

* Turn the television off … go read Entertainment Weekly.

* DVR Oprah in the afternoon … switch to her program when you are bored with American Idol … realize the worst episode of Idol is better than anything Oprah dishes out on a daily basis.

Waitaminnit. The auditions are over? The auditions are over … !!!

Hollywood Week next week!

Woo-Hoo … !!!

Clacked by Michael Noble
on Feb 04, 2010 @ 16:54 EST5EDT