The Hofftastic world of David Hasselhoff comes to cable

by Richard Keller

David Hasslehoff, otherwise known as the Hoff, will be getting his own reality series on A&E.

We have some Hoffsome news for you — something that will make you jump for joy while shouting “Hoffray!”. The A&E network, short for Asinine & Eeediotic, has green-lighted a new docu-series starring everyone’s favorite drunk guy in denial, David Hasselhoff.

According to the press release that was hand-delivered to the CliqueClack offices by the president of the “Hoff for President” fan club, the ten episode series will take a behind-the-scenes look at his life as a single dad raising two teenage daughters. While A&E says the show will be a reality series, there’s a good chance it’ll be more scripted than actual reality. Our thoughts are that it will be somewhere between the simple plot lines of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and the “Holy crap! Where’s the laugh track?” scripting of Gene Simmons Family Jewels.

Though no episode summaries have been released yet, we were able to coax (AKA: beat) one of the plots out of an A&E executive. It seems the producers of the show gently urge (AKA: pay enormous sums of money to) William Daniels to reprise his role of KITT from the original Knight Rider in order to assist the Hoff after one of his after-hours work activities (AKA: benders). However, KITT doesn’t race around Los Angeles or jump over ravines. Instead, the car slowly cruises on auto-pilot because the Hoff is drunk and needs cheeseburgers.

In an ongoing theme of the episode, KITT keeps wheeling up to rehabs, then dejectedly sighs and puts himself in reverse as the Hoff yells “I’m fine, I’m just dehydrated!” This as ketchup from his cheeseburgers dribbles down his chin and onto KITT’s leather seats. Then there’s this exchange between Hoff and his imaginary talking car:

KITT: David, you really need to get into rehab.
Hoff: Call me Michael, dammit!
KITT: What?
Hoff: Michael. Michael friggin’ Knight. That’s who I am, you idiotic car!
KITT: (sighs) Okay. Michael, you need to get into rehab.
Hoff: Screw you. And call me Hoff, you piece of crap!
KITT: (off camera, to producers) Really, you need to pony up some more cash for this shit!
Hoff: (mumbling while slumping over steering wheel) Call me Michaeldostobmsmmfff.

Hofflarious!

Thanks to members of the CliqueClack staff for helping with the imaginary episode plot. You will not be named in the eventual libel suit.

Photo Credit: davidhasslehoff.com