During our live-blog/chat of The Golden Globe Awards, I was struck by how efficient this awards show was. People got in, got their awards, and got out. Yet it still managed to be entertaining, with host Ricky Gervais delivering a number of great one-liners (“I love having a drink as much as the next guy… unless the next guy is Mel Gibson.”)
What’s more impressive is that the Globes managed to do all of this while giving out awards for both film and television. It took exactly three hours from start to finish, and seemed to go by much quicker. So why is the Oscar telecast a beached whale, bloated and stinking in the sun, by comparison? Why is the viewing experience comparative torture?
Here’s how the Oscars can look to the Globes to improve this year’s show:
Drink. Up.
At one point, host Ricky Gervais was drinking a beer on the stage, as God intended– and did anyone see Julia Roberts? She was wasted before she even got into the auditorium! She told Billy Bush that “NBC, you are in the TOILET right now!” on the red carpet. That’s what I’m talking about! I know I’m certainly not winning an award, but when I see things like this, it makes me feel as though I’ve won, just a little bit.
Remember that you are a bunch of people who are playing pretend for a living.
It’s a Hollywood awards show; it’s not meant to be taken seriously. The Oscars have become less of a pageant than a funeral procession lately. Dude, I love movies, but as a viewer sitting at home, I am able to keep perspective and realize that as technologically advanced as Avatar is, it’s not curing cancer. I want to see a show– preferably with drunken speeches (see above). Maybe you don’t need to drink first, but you do need to find some way to laugh at the damn jokes. It really is okay if the host makes fun of you, even though it’s The Oscars. Besides, for most of the winners, nobody knows who you are anyway (I’m looking at you, Marion Cotillard [or, wait. Am I looking at Katy Perry? I CAN’T TELL]).
Cut the number of categories that appear on the televised broadcast.
I understand that a film cannot be good unless it’s edited well. I know that costume design can set the entire look and feel of a film, and if done poorly, it can ruin it. However, I do not know who you are, person who is responsible for finding George Clooney‘s suits in Up in the Air. I think your job is important, but I don’t want to watch your speech. Also, categories like these fuck up my Oscar pool, because I just have to randomly pick someone. Also, get rid of short films. I do not know how I would even go about seeing these, unless I was a member of the academy to whom screeners are sent. I love your 12-minute opus, I would just love it more if it was talked about during a non-televised portion of the show.
No more song and dance numbers, and for the love of god, DO NOT SHOW ME ANOTHER MONTAGE.
I will make one exception for the opening. Hugh Jackman or whomever can do a big opening number, but after the first commercial break, that shit is on lockdown. I love a good montage as much as the next gal, especially when it’s a makeover scene set to music. However, there was an Oscar telecast a couple of years ago that had no fewer than six of these things, and none of them involved a perm. We do not have time for such nonsense, nor do we have time for another Debbie Allen-choreographed interpretive dance number. I don’t go to the ballet for a reason, people.
Split up Best Picture between Comedy and Drama
Annie Hall was a long-ass time ago. In fact, while it is certainly a great film, I have a difficult time believing that there hasn’t been a worthy comedy that has been released in the entire time I have been walking on this earth. Ed Helms and Mike Tyson just went onstage to accept an award for Best Comedy for The Hangover. A champion boxer who bit off a dude’s ear, and a former Daily Show correspondent. If loving that is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Clacked by Kona Gallagher 
on Jan 19, 2010 @ 13:00 EST5EDT
Excellent points all the way around. I pretty much hate the Oscars and everything they stand for at this point.
I have thought for a long time that the categories for drama and comedy need to be split. Seriously, how can you compare a great comedic performance or film to a great dramatic performance or film fairly? And adding five more films to the mix for Best Picture still won’t help because if you have The Hangover (or Annie Hall, for that matter) going up against The Hurt Locker, the drama will obviously win because it has “a message.” And, sorry, but with Adam Shankman producing this year, I bet you’re going to see more than one big production number (featuring some SYTYCD alumni).
I personally love the big song and dance numbers, but I’m a musical theater major, so I may be a little biased. I do agree on the technical categories, as important as all those people undoubtedly are, they aren’t trained performers, which is a skill that certainly helps when delivering an acceptance speech.
And drunk celebrities are always good. :-D
I’m one of the rare people who wishes the Oscars were LONGER!!! They only come once a year, after all, so they should be at least as long as the effing Super Bowl, if not longer. And I hereby decree that ALL future song-and-dance numbers MUST prominently feature Hugh Jackman and be choreographed by anyone in the world who’s NOT named Debbie Allen.
And I further decree that the audience must laugh at the jokes aimed at them. When they don’t, they come across as humorless, holier-than-thou elitists.
I was sad enough about the technical categories being banished. Don’t do the same to the rest of the categories with non-famous candidates; they’re the only ones the films I like get the chance to win. And then I finally get to see these people, boring or not, rather than the same overexposed blowhards from all the other award shows.
I like the rest of your suggestions, though.