Quotation Marks – Dockers, Tab-booty calls, and the letter R

by Ivey West

Sue and Will

Glee

[while hugging]
“I will destroy you.” – Will
“I’m about to vomit down your back.” – Coach Sylvestser
“It’s on.” – Will

“The independent polling company in my Dockers has confirmed that you’re the hottest girl in this school.” – Jacob

Community

“The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is.” – Troy

Parks and Recreation

“That’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because no one takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag around.” – Leslie

The Office

“Jim’s on his honeymoon, so I started using his office to fart in.” – Kevin

“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.” – Dwight

30 Rock

“To TGS! We’ll trick those race-car-loving wide loads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet!” – Jack

“I blame you and Dot Com; you two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or mermaid booby, and now I’ve lost touch with the common man!” – Tracy to Grizz

“Has anybody seen my wallet? It’s an L.L. Bean child’s wallet from the 1970s. There was no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free tasty delight…. Damn it to hell, I hate my life!” – Liz

“Hey dudes, I’m organizing a viral protest on Tweeter and Youtubes.” – Lenny Wozniak, undercover at the Page strike.

Greek

“Comic Conventions are crawling with hotties, everybody knows that.” – Dale

“Dale Kettlewell is in a relationship with God.” – Dale’s new profile relationship status

NCIS

“What is blue, black, and red?” – Ziva
“Zebra in a blender.” – Tony
“That’s black, white, and red all over.” – McGee
“Newspaper.” – Tony
“Penguin with a sunburn.” – McGee
“Nun falling down stairs.” – Tony

The Middle

“That’s why we taught you to walk.” – Mike’s response to Axl on what he’s to do if he doesn’t get his license for lack of practice

“Don’t do anything sexual; boys hate that.” – Mike to Sue, on attracting boys

Modern Family

“During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.” – Gloria, on “The Incident”

“I’m about to embark on a new journey.” – Dede
“Really?” – Mitchell
“His name is Chaz, and he’s asked me to come live with him in his foreign land.” – Dede
“Wow, where?” – Mitchell
“Canada. French Canada.” – Dede

“There’s a fish that swims around with babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell’s relationship with his mother and say, ‘that’s messed up.'” – Cameron

“The first time I saw Hailey, I knew I liked her. I mean, she’s beautiful and everything, but it’s not just that. She’s got this killer confidence, you know, the kind of confidence you get from having a family like this that’s passionate and accepting of hot foreigners, and gay dudes, and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other.” – Dylan

How I Met Your Mother

“One thing. Really? You gave me one thing? Wow, so I guess that Gouda just walked itself right through that door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in the perfect semi-circle around not three, not four, but five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?” – Marshall
“You’re a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker” – Lily

“Hey, remember that weird couple down the hall? With the ferrets? Maybe we can give them a call and see if they want to come over and play Taboo.” – Barney
“After midnight? No way, we can’t Tab-booty call them. That’s pathetic.” – Robin

Dancing With The Stars

“Your dancing is like the economy. Every week you are supposed to be getting better, but nothing happens.” – Bruno Tonioli, on Michael Irvin’s performance

Photo Credit: FOX