Quotation Marks – Van Halen, vampires, and vamps

Dollhouse

“The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates.” — Topher

Big Bang Theory

“I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.” — Sheldon

“Just fine … ah dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine!” — Raj
—
“[fine is] a perfectly good word. You put in front of wine or dining and you’ve got something!” — Penny
“Let me ask you this: How was last night for you?” — Leonard
“It was … OK” — Penny
“OK?” — Leonard
“Its a perfectly good word … If you put in front of dokey and you’ve really got something!” — Penny

“Sex is never the way I dream  it’s gonna be.” — Howard
“It’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waste down.” — Raj

Quotes from the Ether

“Yeeesh. Our numbers weren’t good last night… ” — @MoTancharoen

That’s the positive spin. The negative spin comes from TheHollywood Reporter’s James Hibberd.

“Dollhouse punches through rock bottom, finds Fox ratings netherworld” — @TheLiveFeed

“Take it slow,in the Dao. Easy skankin. good vibes into the ether. Tonight watch my balls burst into FLAMES SUNNY FX @ 10 PM est” — @Danny_Devito, with your weekly words of wisdom

Mercy

“OK, I’m just going to throw this out there … Do you think we might actually win sometimes if we didn’t drink during the game?” — Garcia [during a softball game]
“That is the dumbest thing you have ever said.” — Callahan

Cougar Toun

“You know, people can’t unhear the things you say.” – Grayson to Jules

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“I like vampires I can be afraid of, not some douchebag with his hat on backwards.” — Craig Ferguson on the Twlight kids

Grey’s Anatomy

“Nice pin.” — Meredith
“His name is Mr. Bear. He eats children.” — Cristina

Vampire Diaries

“What’s so special about this Bella girl? …. I miss Anne Rice.” — Damon

Modern Family

“Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I act on it? Absolutely not! As long as my wife was alive.” — Phil, on his feelings for a new neighbor

“My dad’s great with tools. He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.” – Manny

“In my culture, we take great pride in doing physical labor.” — Gloria
“I know, that’s why I hire people from your culture.” — Jay

“I know, tone down my natural gifts, dance like a straight guy.” — Cameron
“No slapping your own butt.” — Mitchell
“But that’s how I make my horsey go!” — Cameron

“We’re gonna drink some wine, eat some good food…. Y’know, we would do something like this a lot more often if it wasn’t for, y’know, Manny.” — Jay
“He’s good. He keep us grounded.” — Gloria
“Yeah … like fog at an airport.” — Jay

Glee

“You guys look like the world’s worst Benetton ad.” – April to Glee club

“I want you to be in the Glee club. We’ll get you sobered up … Buy you some underwear.” — Will

“Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn’t there be diseases in there or something?” — Rachel
“Aw, no, ball-sharing’s half the fun.” — Fin

“When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra I was aroused …And then furious.” — Coach Sylvester

Castle

“You know, if this one of those super sciency forensics shows, we’d stick some electrodes in this fish’s brains. Get a fish eye view of whatever they saw.” — Castle

How I Met Your Mother

“I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck’s mudflaps. It took me less than a mile.” – Barney

Bones

“When did teenager’s start having sex?” — Cam, asking about her adopted daughter Michelle
“Hello!” — Angela
“If they could, they’d start in the morning and go ’till they dropped.” — Hodgins

Community

“Hey man. My name’s Jeff. I’m trying to lock down the rest of my schedule before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it?” — Jeff
“…” — Student
“Do you like Dane Cook?” — Jeff
“Yeah he’s awesome.” — Student
“So far so good.” — Jeff

“Choo!” — Troy
“Hey Troy sneezes like a girl!” — Jeff
“And how ’bout I pound you like a boy  – that didn’t come out right.” — Troy

“I’ll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.” — Abed
“… I don’t want to be your father.” — Jeff
“That’s perfect, you already know your lines.” — Ahmed

The Mentalist

“Its not like we killed him, his neck was broken in the crash.” — Lisbon
“We got a confession.” — Jane
“Suppose you didn’t. Suppose you’d been wrong. Have you any idea of the vastness of the crapstorm that would follow?” — Minelli

Greek

“Old people having old people sex.” –Rebecca’s summation of Private Practice

“What’s with the pink bowtie?” — Rusty
“Oh, just feeling fancy today.” — Cappie

House

“Who’s the broad?” — House’s Asian cooking partner
“Missionary.” — House
“If she’s a missionary, why does she dress like a hooker?” — partner
“I meant the position.” — House

“Bed is for sissies. Unless you’re having sex, in which case… no, bed is still for sissies.” — House to Wilson, on staying up all night cooking obsessively

“How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?” — Wilson
“They’re smoking.” — House
“…?” — Wilson
“Your balls.” — House
“Oh! No no no! They’re browning way too fast.” — Wilson
“Blue’s the color you have to watch out for.” — House
“Enough! They’re still raw inside. By the time they cook through the outside will be burnt.” — Wilson
“I think there’s a medicated powder for that.” — House

“House, you’ve got no reason to …” — Cuddy [with Wilson, accusing House of still using]
“Et tu, bootay?” — House

the Simpsons

“Sufferin Steve Ditko!” — Comic Book Guy

“So, do you want to see me naked” — Homer
“There’s no nudity in this movie” — Hollywood Executive
“What movie?” — Homer

Supernatural

“Hoard toilet paper. Hoard it like it’s made of gold.” — Future Chuck’s investment advice for Present Dean

“Rhonda Hurley. She made us try on her panties. They were pink … and satiny … and we kind of liked it.” — Present Dean convincing Future Dean that he’s from the past