The Office season premiere – Rumors and gossip aplenty

This is a beautiful moment. You know, you work so hard, you try and you try, and yet sometimes it’s just predetermined that you’ll only go so far. Like, when you join a writing staff already in progress, and the good stuff’s all gone. Even so, a little part of you thinks, “One day, that could be me.” It never is, but you still think it from time to time.

Then reality gets flipped on its head, and you’re on the top of the heap. No more Celebrity Apprentice scraps. Now you’re getting some recognition for your overwhelming talent and ability, and … oh, right. My wife reminds me that all I did to get this gig is hit “reply” fastest when Jason asked for a hand.

By the way, “this gig” is reviewing fresh episodes of The Office. And the above skit was brought to you by the Michael Scott Paper Company (yeah, that’s it).

So, we pumped up? How many times did you each read Keith’s preview of the premiere? Maybe some of you perused my musings on the “other” stars of the show.… No? They’re pretty critical, so I’ll wait as you link over there; whenever you’re ready, we can continue.

I was actually disappointed with the first half of this episode. Maybe it was too much anticipation, maybe it really was just sub-par; I’m not sure. The cold open was amusing — Parkour, as practiced by Michael, Dwight, and Andy is an accident waiting to happen. As Jim explained, “The goal is to get from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ as creatively as possible. So, technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point ‘A’ is delusion and point ‘B’ is the hospital.”

But then things nosedived, with even Jim and Pam looking like they’d lost their chemistry. Something felt off, and I’m not just talking about the intern who looked freakily like a really young Matt Damon.

But good things come to those who wait. The gossip-mill crescendoed into some highly hilarious person/slanderous rumor combos:

• Andy’s gay — more on that later
• Stanley had an affair — the original fact that led to it all
• Angela’s dating an 81 year-old billionaire
• Dwight uses store-bought manure
• Toby’s a virgin — “I have a daughter; how could I be a virgin?”
• Kelly’s “anorexictic”
• Creed has asthma — “If they think I have asthma, they won’t let me SCUBA. If I can’t SCUBA, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?”
• Oscar’s the voice of Taco Bell
• Kevin has a little person inside of him working him with controls — If so, he wouldn’t have needed the extra-friendly hangman to figure out the rumor about Stanley

By the end, The Office had returned safely to its season five form. And, uneven or not, the show’s always good for (more) quotes:

“I might have extra; it just depends on how many I eat.” – Kevin to Michael, on his prospects for leftovers

“You’re gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night.” – Jim to “Matt Damon” the intern, when Dwight took back his business card

And Andy’s struggle with his sexual orientation? It sounded like one rumor too many could change his affiliation. His discussion with Michael after Michael reveals that he made everything up:

“I made it all up.” – Michael
“Even the fact that I’m gay?” – Andy
“Yes.” – Michael
“Yes!” – Andy
“Michael, am I gay?” – Andy, after Michael then explains that one rumor is true

Finally, once Jim announced that he and Pam actually were expecting, the one-liners came a flying:

“This is the inside of your vagina.” – Michael, looking at Pam’s sonogram picture

“It just didn’t add up, Jim.” – Kevin, at the end of his diatribe about how he knew that Pam was pregnant; long story about bigger breasts and padded bras

“Don’t vaccinate it.” – Ryan

“Who’s the father?” – Dwight

“Who’s the OBGYN?” – Creed

Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Sep 17, 2009 @ 23:00 EST5EDT