Oh Reza, my Reza – Open Letters

Dear Reza Aslan,

I swear to God, I am not a shallow person. Usually. I mean, do I have my totally awful moments of objectifying dudes when I really shouldn’t? Of course. I’m human, okay. Anyone who says they don’t do this is a filthy liar.

Now, there’s this whole thing going on in Iran with the election and so on and so forth. And since I pride myself on being politically conscientious, I am all up in that business. I have done my homework, listened to my NPR, and written my requisite informative blog post for the totally lost and overwhelmed. I now can speak intelligently on Iranian politics. (Ask me, really!) And, being the conscious person I am, I’ve been watching the news. And you’re on it. A lot. And this is causing me to have a lot of problems with being a non-reprehensible human being.

See, usually, if I tune into The Daily Show or the Rachel Maddow Show, I can concentrate on what is being said. I do not spend my time feeling unaccountably attracted to, say, former presidential advisers or four-star generals, and when I’m expecting those dudes to appear and then you show up with your hot self, my guard is down and you’re kind of killing me with your gorgeousness.  If I was watching a normal show, disproportionately pretty people would be showing up left and right and it wouldn’t seem quite so jarring. (That is not to say I wouldn’t still take time out and stare at you, of course, I’m just saying it’s less expected when I am catering to my more intellectual side to find myself giggling like a thirteen-year-old. Sometimes, I even put my chin in my hands and sigh. I didn’t do that when I was actually thirteen. This is a problem, dude.)

And then this Iran business came up and I’m having issues, because now there is a terrible, awful part of me that wants these protests to go on forever so you and your sexy, Iranian-born doctorate of religion self can be on my television. Forever.

I know, right? I hate myself a little bit too. Especially considering you’re technically old enough to be my dad. Sort of. I mean, if you had me when you were in high school. But thanks to MTV’s new series 16 and Pregnant (there aren’t words to describe how much I will not be watching that show), I know it’s totally possible, okay. And it’s sort of like the creepy icing on my going-to-hell cake.

But I can’t help but think about it. I mean, we’re both smart, politically savvy writers. And you’re all into the Middle East and striving for peace there, right? Because you’re Muslim and I’m Jewish, so us dating is totally the first step. Plus, with our wavy hair and your dimples and my diminutive stature our kids would be off-the-wall cute and kind of brilliant to boot. Do it for the children. And world peace. And by “it” I may mean “me.”

No, no, I know. It can never be, in large part because, oh yeah, I’m clearly out of whack when it comes to my priorities. I have accepted that. But seriously, man, can you meet me halfway here? Perhaps not appear on shows so often looking so cute? I’m not sure how you’d accomplish that, but it would be really swell if you figured that out.  Or, alternately, Iran could magically right itself overnight and you could go back to doing what you do and I could go back to doing what I do, and I’ll feel better about finding you super-dreamy when you appear every so often to promote a book or something. I think that’s probably the solution everyone would be happiest with.

But since I think we both know that won’t happen any time soon, I’m just saying — you’re filming all these shows in New York, and Boston isn’t that far away. If you ever get an itch to see Harvard Divinity School and check in with the old alma mater, I’d be up for, like, grabbing coffee. Or traditional Iranian cuisine (I have never had it, but Wikipedia assures me that it looks delicious).  Extending this offer in the face of people’s suffering and hardship doesn’t make me a totally awful person, right?

Yeah, I know.

Hopeful regardless,

Julia

Clacked by Julia Hass
on Jun 26, 2009 @ 15:00 EST5EDT