Hollywood loves an easy sell. They prefer projects with built-in audiences because the risk of failure is lessened. More and more producers are looking to repackage television shows from past and present in hopes of striking gold. It may be a lazy practice, but it does make good business sense. In an industry where misses are more frequent than hits, a popular TV series delivered to the big screen properly can mean mega-bucks at the box office.
The only problem with this concept is more often than not, television fails to translate to cinema. If things go awry, it’s best to seek the nearest shelter and avert your eyes from the monumental calamity certain to annihilate your favorite multi-plex. Because when Hollywood screws up, they screw up BIG!!!
Here are ten disasters that reek of back-alley dumpster juice.
10) S.W.A.T. (2003) - What a pile of dogshit this turned out to be. The presence of Samuel L. Jackson and Irish bad-boy Colin Farrell wasn’t enough to save a tepid script and shoddy direction. It’s not easy to botch police action films with big budgets, but they managed to pull it off.
9) Lost in Space (1998) – The series Lost in Space was cool because they were lost for 83 episodes, which heightened the drama as to whether they would make it home. In the film, they’re gone for two hours. This is a perfect example of how serialized television falls apart when condensed to a movie-length runtime. I can’t fathom why quality actors like Gary Oldman and William Hurt lowered themselves to this dreck.
8) The Mod Squad (1999) – Geesh… where do I begin? Piss-poor acting, a boring story and amateur direction made this flop unwatchable. Thankfully, it was only 90 minutes. The budget was $50 million; it grossed $13 million. Giovanni Ribisi was wasted in this clunker.
7) Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992) – Let me get this straight. You’re going to make a feature film version of a groundbreaking TV show without the best character? No Agent Dale Cooper means a “who cares” movie. In hindsight, a prequel was a mistake. David Lynch does his creepy best to keep things interesting, but it pales in comparison to the series.
6) The Avengers (1998) – With a cast featuring Sean Connery, Uma Thurman and Ralph Fiennes, it has to be good, right? Wrong. The plot involves holding Britain hostage with a weather-changing machine. Yawn. Low-pressure fronts and increased amounts of snowfall don’t exactly put me on the edge of my seat.
5) Car 54, Where Are You? (1994) – Without question, one of the worst movies I have ever sat through. It’s cringe-inducing. It would be higher on this list but the show was equally deplorable, so once a turd, always a turd. The real head-scratcher is why they even bothered to produce it.
4) McHale’s Navy (1997) – I’d rather spend the night in a rest area bathroom than watch this putrid trash heap again. Two words: Tom Arnold. The tagline was “Dare to rock the boat.” I get it. I hope Bruce Campbell got a nice paycheck because he didn’t belong on this sinking ship of fools. Ugh. I really hate this movie.
3) Wild, Wild West (1999) – But I hate this pus-filled boil even more. Kevin Kline is a great comedic actor. Kenneth Branagh is a Shakespearean trained actor. Salma Hayek is smokin’ hot. And yet this movie blows chunks of vomit all across the screen. It reminds me of a bad childhood memory. Like the time I read aloud in front of the seventh-grade English class with my fly open.
2) The Flintstones (1994) – Casting is really important, but the clowns responsible for this stone-age stinker apparently forgot. I give you Rosie O’Donnell as Betty Rubble. If I remember correctly, Betty was a looker; she was no Wilma, but she had kind of a MILF thing happening. Without being too crass, let’s just say Rosie is a little “flaccid.”
1) The Honeymooners (2005) – That sound you hear is Jackie Gleason spinning in his grave. This abomination proves Hollywood has no shame. To sully one of TV’s great sitcoms is inexcusable and disrespectful. It made me turn away several times. I’d rather watch those gruesome driver-education films from the 1970s.
Whoa. I need a shower. Did I miss any doozies? I’m sure I did, but I believe this list to be an adequate representation of the dangers of going from the tube to the theater. Lest you think I’m some sort of masochist, I’ll be back next week with my list of the ten best movie adaptations. Get your popcorn ready.
Clacked by Scott Tunstall 
on Feb 09, 2009 @ 09:00 EST5EDT
starsky and Hutch.
Hulk.
I don’t think you can call either of the Hulk movies being adaptations from the TV show.
What a coinkidink. I watched “Lost in Space” yesterday and couldn’t shut it off because I liked it so much. I know I sound like an IMDb cliché but it’s underrated. I like it for its cheesyness to be honest. Matt LeBlanc can’t act in anything but Friends” if you ask me :-)
And I too immediately had to think about “The Avengers” movie which I *cough* got rid off with the press of a button .
A good TV series to movie is “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton”. It’s basically “That 70s Show” with just Eric Foreman. Lovely movie, great soundtrack – no german version available .
Anyway, funny post, thanks :-)
Oh I forgot you have to hear Kevin Smith talk about how he was supposed to make a Superman movie and he was asked to put a giant spider in it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgYhLIThTvk
The producer went on to produce “Wild Wild West” and guess what was in THAT movie :-D
Or you could purchase the DVD ‘An Evening with Kevin Smith’ which has that story, plus plenty more hilarious material.
My favorite quote still is “… m’f’er, which one of us has an Oscar for writing” or something to that effect.
Scott: Good list, I only disagree with SWAT.
Granted, I never watched the source material (though, I don’t imagine there’s a mythology I had to familiarize myself with :) ), but I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. I’m not saying it was Die Hard (GREATEST ACTION MOVIE EVER (sorry, but by contract I have to say that after every time I mention that movie)), but a good popcorn flick. I especially thought that Josh Charles did good work as the turncoat, despite the, admittedly, derivative dialog.
You haven’t missed anything by not seeing the SWAT series. It’s actually worse than the movie.
By the way, DIE HARD is the greatest action movie ever. You won’t get an argument from me on that one.
Me and a bunch of friends were out drinking and playing pub trivia (Kansas City has a GREAT league if any readers live in that area https://www.xtrememteamtrivia.com ), and we got into this huge argument over what was the greatest action movie. It drug out over the course of the whole night. I was, obviously, supporting Die Hard.
When I got home that evening, I found the latest copy of EW in my mailbox, which ironically had its list of the top 50 action movies of all time. Number one, was of course, Die Hard. Not that EWs list is the definitive answer, but it was fun bringing in to work the next day.
ALIENS is pretty damn close. Most place it in the sci-fi category, but it’s non-stop action for the last 90 minutes. I watch it a couple times a year and it still holds up.
dragged?
Fire Walk WIth Me is good if you appreciate it for what it is: 100% David Lynch weirdness. I love DL, but Twin Peaks had many other people writing and directing to tone down the Lynch factor. The movie was all his. I think it stands alone as a great Lynch film.
And Cooper is in the movie, just not a whole lot.
For the record, I love Lynch, but Fire Walk With Me is not his best. I’ll take The Elephant Man, Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive any day.
Cooper is in it, but not enough for my liking. I enjoyed the series mainly due to his presence. Also no Sherilyn Fenn and Moira Kelly instead of Lara Flynn Boyle was disappointing.
Overall, it just didn’t do it for me. I expected a lot more from Lynch.
Have you caught Inland Empire yet? I still don’t think my sister-in-law has forgiven me for making her watch it.
My roommate’s response: “I don’t why, when you ask me to watch a David Lynch movie, I don’t find better plans.”
I liked it a lot. You should check it out if you haven’t seen it yet.
Thanks for the recommendation. Haven’t seen Inland yet. I heard it was out there, even for Lynch. I’ll add to to my Netflix queue pronto.
Oh rest assured, it is WAY out there, but if you consider yourself a Lynch fan, you should check it out. I feel like it lays somewhere between Lost Highway and Eraserhead in terms on incoherence and weirdness.
You did miss one of the most egregious offenders – “Bewitched.” It had an interesting concept, but they totally botched so many great opportunities that were there but never acted upon. It still makes my skin crawl.
Have you seen “The Beverly Hillbillies”? That was the worst piece of crap ever put on the big screen.
As for “SWAT”, I don’t know why you thought the direction was an issue. I thought Clark Johnson did a fine job.
“McHale’s Navy” was fine. what were you expecting? It had funny parts and wasn’t as good as the original, but what is as good or better than the original?
Fortunately, I haven’t seen the Hillbillies or it probably would have made the list.
Clark Johnson is NOT an action director. It’s okay to let scenes breathe a little.
What was I expecting from McHale’s Navy? Uh, I dunno, to laugh once. It stinks. The series was silly, not stupid, and much more watchable.
Miami Vice
I think the Miami Vice movie gets a bad rap. It was bloated, but on watching it again, I thought it better than the first time around.
Wait until next week. I’ll have something to say about Crockett and Tubbs.
Anyone brought up Dragnet yet?
Good one. Horrible film. Not a bad series.