We started this week off with the Super Bowl, which, despite having some of the worst commercials in recent memory, yielded some pretty great quotes. In fact, between that, The Office, Leverage and 30 Rock, this was a great week for quotes. Below are some of our favorites — feel free to post yours in the comments.
The Super Bowl
“The entire Office cast is assaulted by a strange Xerox repair man played by Conan O’Brien, and it becomes a special Law & Order SVU.” – Rainn Wilson explaining the special episode following the Super Bowl
“Not only has she never been to the Super Bowl, apparently she’s never been to Tampa.” – Bob Costas on seeing Hayden Panettiere’s ridiculous fur-lined boots.
“Stop Drinking!” – Duane Johnson to Al Roker after he screws up the name of the movie again.
“It turns into a car!” – President Obama, telling Matt Lauer just how tricked out his Blackberry is now.
Matt Lauer: “You got replaced [on the cover] with Jessica Simpson….”
President Obama: “Who is in a weight battle apparently.”
“You know they say TV will rot your brain? That’s absurd. TV only softens the brain, like a ripe banana. To take it all the way, we’ve created Hulu.” – Alec Baldwin in the best commercial of the night.
The Office
“My guess? He’s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof, and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, ‘Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side!’ and he’s like ‘No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.’ It was only a matter of time.” – Dwight, on why Michael isn’t at work
The Big Bang Theory
Penny: “No, I can’t. Sheldon, honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.”
Sheldon: “Won’t it also be ‘weird’ if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rainwater?”
Leonard: “What was the plan?”
Penny: “Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.”
Leonard: “Was there a Plan B?”
Penny: “TV star.”
Leonard: “Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Wolowitz: “Yes. Koothrappali is going to wet himself, I’m going to throw up, Sheldon is going to run away, and you’re going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?”
House
“Shocks without shock, an itch that won’t stop. She needs Dr. Seuss.” – House
How I Met Your Mother
“From all of us here at Barney’s apartment, get out.” — Barney, mimicking an anchor’s sign-off line
Robin’s audition sign off: So goodnight New York, and may the road ahead be lit with dreams … and tomorrows … which are lit with dreams … also.
Ted at the bar: Wow, that’s bad … and terrible … also.
Robin: I wasn’t done. (back at the audition): Stand tall, New York. Trustworthy. Recycling. Wear a condom.
Leverage
“I haven’t slept in three days, had a showdown with two different gangs who now by the way know my face, I sat on a bomb, and all this could have been avoided had you gave the man a taco?” – Hardison
“It’s like Billy from ‘The Family Circus’ if Billy was a drunken sex fiend.” – Parker, on the travel patterns of their target.
Scrubs
JD: “We found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples.”
Ted: “Why should they be happy?”
30 Rock
“In Puerto Rico elderly women are held in very high esteem. You should go there Lemon, they would love you.” – Jack
“He has a golf magazine, so you know he’s not gay or poor.” – Jenna, on going through Dr. Baird’s mail
Intern: “Have you ever had a yard of ale?”
Tracy: “A yard like a lawn? Yes I have.”
Liz: “What?!? You’re a nurse?”
Elisa: “Yes, some of us are hot.”
“Here’s today’s script. I translated it and removed the Star Wars references.” – Elisa, on Liz’s telenovella script
“You haven’t seen Dr. Baird. He looks like a cartoon pilot.” – Liz
“Only the special tours get to see Conan O’Brien without his wig.” – Jack to Elisa and her grandmother.
Saturday Night Live
“I knew some guys names snap crackle and pop, and they were drug dealers.” – Seth Meyers on Kelloggs dropping Michael Phelps
“Every one of your products sounds like a wish a genie granted at a Phish concert.” – Seth Meyers of Kelloggs dropping Michael Phelps
“If you’re at a party and you see Michael Phelps smoking a bong and your first thought isn’t ‘wow I get to party with Michael Phelps’ and instead you take a picture and sell it to a tabloid, you should take a long look in the mirror because you’re a dick. Really.” – Seth Myers
Clacked by Kona Gallagher 
on Feb 08, 2009 @ 20:30 EST5EDT
Just out of curiosity from a non-native speaker but shouldn’t it be “and all this could have been avoided had you given the man a taco?” – I know the quote is correct so can I attribute this to bad grammar by African-American people?
’cause I’m irritated and there was a time when I thought “Them apples” was wrong English and I was proven wrong by US TV…
I’m pretty sure there’s just as many white people that have equally bad grammar. Anyway, you are right that its not proper grammar, but does it really matter? Does the German language not have any colloquialisms?
Guy, I’m sure this wasn’t your intention, but what you just wrote was incredibly offensive. I don’t know if the memo has made it across the Atlantic to Germany, but all blacks don’t have INCORRECT grammar. Some analogous responses to your statement would be, “go back to goose stepping, and drop the keyboard”, or “don’t you have any more wars to lose”. This type of thinking should have ended with the third Reich.
If I ever have a blog, I hope it’s as good as this one.