‘Twas the night before upfronts, and to the set of House
Came an unexpected visit, by the one Peter Krause
“You think you’re so safe!” warned the unemployed actor
“At FOX no one’s safe, when Kevin Reilly’s a factor!”
The cast and the crew were confused by the warning
Until now they’d felt sure they’d be renewed the next morning
“But why, you are asking, should you listen to me?
“Since Dirty Sexy Money wasn’t on FOX, but ABC?”
Then out from the pocket of the former Darling lawyer
Came an envelope stamped with the seal of their employer
“Well, I do have a list of shows Reilly plans to trash.
“To the highest bidder I’ll give this; you can pay me in cash!”
The words echoed through the studio and through FOX’s back lot
Someone knows what is getting renewed and what’s not!
So from behind every camera, every script and green screen
Scrambled cash-holding casts to bid on what could be seen.
We’ll buy it, here’s money, now give us the list!”
Yelled Lena Heady, and boy she looked pissed.
The whole cast of Terminator was there to help out,
“Have a heart, our ratings suck,” they exclaimed with a shout.
“Don’t waste your money,” Fringe’s Josh Jackson said
“This is FOX and you’re sci fi; you’re already dead!”
“You’re sci fi too,” Summer Glau said in a snit.
“You’re right,” Josh replied, and added: “Oh shit.”
“It’s all so hard,” said John Noble. “No wait, that’s just me.”
“Ignore him, Peter,” said Anna Torv. “Give that letter to me!”
“I will have the note,” TJ Thyne vowed with a promise
Until Michaela Conlin distracted him with a kiss.
“Are you nervous?” Emily Deschanel worried to Dave.
“Nah, last year to Kevin extra presents I gave.”
“So did I,” Robert Sean comforted the crew
While Lisa Edelstein hissed at a mischievous Hugh.
Then just like that, Hugh snatched the note and he ran.
Down the hall he went screaming, “I have me a plan!”
Peter Krause just stood there looking awfully lame.
“Damn, I forgot he doesn’t really use the cane.”
“I’ll still pay,” said Heady. “Just tell what it reads.
The economy sucks and my family has needs.”
But then Krause sat down, quite slumped and defeated.
And admitted to all that he didn’t quite read it.
They then heard a speaker crackle, then, “hey, is this thing broken?”
Followed by “I can probably figure what you’re all hoping.
Now that Hugh’s read the note and by now knows what is what.
He’ll just come right out and tell us all who has been cut.”
“But Hugh has another idea in his head.
“He’ll charge us too,” Eliza Dushku uttered with dread.
“He’s more savvy than that,” said Dollhouse’s Joss
Then, just as they feared, Hugh sought out their boss.
Down to Reilly’s cushy office he charged
and into said room Hugh so rudely barged
Behind him followed Whedon, who was onto Hugh’s plan
“You lunatic,” Joss screamed. “You can’t confront the man!”
Someone seized Laurie’s arm. It was Dominic Purcell.
“Save your talking for Reilly when you see him in hell!”
Just then the desk’s chair began to squeak and to swivel
And there sat Ryan Seacrest with a grin like the devil.
“Where’s Kevin Reilly?” Hugh exclaimed with a shout.
“Don’t worry your pretty beard,” Seacrest said. “He’s just … out.”
They looked at his devilish grin and the gleam in his eye
And Dominic realized that he might not just be canceled, he might actually die.
“My show has already been on longer than it should,”
Said Dominic, running away like any smart person would.
But Hugh channeled Dr. House and then there stood his ground.
“It’s just you and me, Seacrest. Let’s go a few rounds.”
“Oh, Hugh,” Seacrest laughed, “you should just back away.
Kevin is gone because I own this network, and you, as of today.”
“But … but, I don’t understand,” Hugh blustered and sputtered.
And Ryan replied, “I’m sorry Hugh. Did … did I stutter?”
“It started with my radio show, American Idol and my takeover of E!
“Did you really think I would stop there? That only that would satisfy me?”
But when the color drained from Hugh’s face and he thought it was over,
He heard a loud boom behind him and ducked for cover.
Focus turned to the door, where Reilly appeared
Looking rested and bright, and sporting a beard
“Hughie my boy, I’ll take it from here”
To Seacrest he offered, a menacing sneer
The boss shook his head, as he spoke to the host
“You know too well Ryan, my power’s the most
“With Idol Fox made you, and back we can take
“You’ll be hanging with Dunkleman, before the day breaks.”
“For we’ve seen what will come, when you’re left to your own
“Momma’s Boys — my God”, and the whole room did groan
With that Seacrest left, all pleas and regrets
Besides, it was time to wax Randy’s Vette.
The rest turned to Reilly, with collective chagrin
They all had to know, who’s out and who’s in.
With a raise of his hand, the crowd came to a hush
Reilly took back the letter, and asked “What’s the rush?”
“Like children with presents, can you really not wait?
“Must you all know right now, just what is your fate?
Eyes everywhere darted, dared each other to speak
Reilly cut them all short, for he knew they were weak.
“The letter’s a scam, to score cash for old Krause
“For his show has been canceled, by Steve and the Mouse.
“I’ve made no decisions, on any of you yet
“But you’re not out of danger, of that you can bet.”
“Get those numbers up, or go win some awards
“And get the kids talking, on blogs and on boards
“Or you’ll wake up one morning, to a terrible fright
“I’ll add you an hour, at ten Friday night.”
With that Reilly turned, and made for the door
The crisis averted, a calm lot once more
And I heard him exclaim, as he strolled ‘way from me
“Now get back to work, and fuck NBC!”
Clacked by Keith McDuffee 
on Dec 25, 2008 @ 09:00 EST5EDT
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