The plucked peacock

This may seem like piling-on after yesterday’s brilliant Grinch/Zucker ditty by CliqueClack’s own Richard Keller, but what the hell happened to NBC? The once imposing network — home to such television icons as the Cartwrights and Johnny Carson — has plummeted into a chasm of mediocrity. A perennial ratings powerhouse during the ’80s and ’90s, the 21^st century has seen NBC flounder like week-old sea bass at the bottom of the Nielsen Media Research barrel.

Allow me a moment’s diversion: Has anyone ever met a man, woman or child who belonged to the elusive “Nielsen Family?” I’m aware these chosen few are sworn to secrecy — under threat of execution by firing squad — never to divulge their Nielsen status, but I smell an American Idol-sized rat. I am convinced this so-called Nielsen is actually an introverted genius with Coke-bottle-thick glasses and severe hyperhidrosis, who works out of a windowless room feeding advanced algorithms into a holographic supercomputer. But that’s just my warped opinion. I could be wrong.

Anyway, among the big four networks, NBC consistently places third or fourth in the weekly ratings race. Is this a prolonged slump or has the peacock lost its broadcasting mojo?

During my formative years — when I had a thick, luscious head of adorable red hair — NBC was my channel for comedy, drama and sports. Cheers, Hill Street Blues, St. Elsewhere and NFL Football all occupied choice positions on my TV viewing blotter. I rarely, if ever, missed an episode as I continuously fed my NBC addiction like a back-alley junkie propositioning himself for another crack rock. Sorry, that was a bit too descriptive.

My point is, I was a proud member of the NBC clique, the peacock posse, the GE gaggle; those were my boys through thick n’ thin. I forgave them for laughable misfires like Manimal and Double Trouble. (By the bye, if you’re not familiar with the insanely stupid series Manimal, allow me to summarize: a brainy scientist shape-shifted into animals in order to fight crime. Really, I’m not kidding. Do I hear crickets? Never mind. Back to my rant.)

I was dedicated to NBC. How dedicated you ask? Well, I’ll tell you: at the impressionable age of twelve, I would set the alarm on my silver Casio for 12:30 AM to watch Late Night with David Letterman. Mind you, I was supposed to be asleep by 10 PM, but I rejected the concept of sleep curfews. I wasn’t going to let some arbitrary bedtime mandate prevent me from bowing at the sneakered feet of my talk-show idol.

I was there when a cackling Letterman pulled out a bullhorn during a primetime taping of The Today Show; I cringed when comic Chris Elliott conducted his “Dog Food Taste Test;” and I laughed hysterically when Dave donned a Velcro suit and propelled himself onto a wall using a mini-trampoline. I was more than willing to sacrifice a full night’s sleep in order to pay homage to the post-midnight depravity unfurled by a gap-toothed ex-weatherman from Indiana.

By the way, I feel compelled to inform you that my parents never discovered my late-night dalliances until I was 30. My mom, in particular, was none too pleased at this revelation. Although it did offer an explanation as to why I behaved like such an irritable asshole when she would attempt to wake me for school at the untimely hour of 7:00 AM. Ugh. I don’t miss those days.

The hits kept on coming for NBC during the ’90s. “Must See TV” was born. This marketing windfall began in the early ’90s with The Cosby Show and Cheers and peaked in the late ’90s with Friends and Seinfeld. Ah, the glory days of sitcoms: when half-hour comedies possessed the ability to cull laughs from even the most misanthropic of people.

Then there was the runaway gurney-turned-ratings-juggernaut ER: the be-all-end-all of hospital dramas. It was the 10 PM crescendo to a “Must See Thursday” lineup that ruled for nearly a decade. Count me among the countless coffee-drunk, U2-worshipping twenty-somethings who gathered every Thursday night at an undisclosed location (Dan’s dilapidated one-bedroom apartment) to drool over a too-cute Jennifer Aniston and guffaw over the madcap antics of one Cosmo Kramer.

Unfortunately, the salad days would wane. Right around the time the absurd Joey hit the 8 PM slot, things at the peacock started to take a turn for the worse. Shortly after, the tried and true “Must See TV” was swapped for “Comedy Night Done Right.” Excuse me … BLUCK! I just threw up in my mouth. What overpaid dimwit at NBC coined that hideous slogan? I’m sure his pitch went something like this: “You see, it’s comedy … you know, BIG laughs … done right! Not wrong like at ABC … but RIGHT.” Well played, my moronic friend. Well played, indeed.

The current crop of NBC programming that passes for entertainment consists of pseudo-reality garbage like America’s Got Talent, mundane Law and Order offspring and supposedly edgy fare like Heroes. I realize Heroes has a dedicated following, but I can’t figure out what the F is going on in this vexing series. I’ve watched a few episodes in an attempt to buy into the hype, but all I can discern is it has something to do with a perky cheerleader, a comic book obsessed Japanese dude and the guy who portrayed drug kingpin Marlowe Stansfield on The Wire. It’s a head-scratcher for sure.

At present, the only time I flip to NBC is to watch Sunday Night Football. Oh how the mighty have crashed-and-burned like an episode of the new Knight Rider, or the old Knight Rider for that matter.  Adding fuel to this colossal bonfire are reports that NBC plans to scale back from 22 hours of primetime programming. Geez. I would like to think the proud peacock can rejuvenate its vivid plumage and return to broadcast prominence, but the odds don’t look favorable. Alas, poor Tartikoff! I knew him….

Clacked by Scott Tunstall
on Dec 11, 2008 @ 14:00 EST5EDT