Why do we even have Campaign Ads? (OR: I’m Jay Black and you’re a moron if you listened to this message)

The easy answer to the question “Why do we even have campaign ads?” is the one that I’m sure will be the subject of our first angry comment: “Because there’s freedom of speech in this country, Bucko!  Love it or leave it!  Toby Keith!  USA!  USA!”

I’m not arguing against free speech.  Without freedom of speech, we wouldn’t have ‘The Federalist Papers’, Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long”, or the fourth Season of Alf.  Obviously free speech is important.

In this one instance, however, it might be better for our country if we disallowed candidates from advertising.  Sure, doing so skirts the first amendment a little bit, but hell, the FCC has been skirting around the first amendment for sixty years and none of us are speaking Russian yet.  Sometimes a little regulation of a fundamental right of man makes for a stronger country.

Here’s my logic:

There are only three types of voters in any given election.

A) The republican flunky; the democrat zombie. These are people that will vote for their party no matter who is thrown up there.  Their party could run a rotting pumpkin stitched to a scarecrow body and they’d be out in force: “Sure, the rotting pumpkin stitched to a scarecrow body isn’t sentient, but at least he’s not Al Gore!”

Campaign ads are wasted on these voters, so obviously the millions spent to air them must not be for them.

B) Smart undecided voters. People who vote the man (or woman!), not the party.  They read and research.  They visit factcheck.org to make sure that what their candidates say is actually the truth.  They probably also wear cardigans and smoke pipes and give smooth-baritone bedside advice to their sons.  Also, they’re in black and white and exist only in ’50s sitcoms.

Voters like this are immune to campaign ads because they know that nothing of substance can be said in 30 seconds.  They’re aware that the advertising done by both sides of the aisle is, by its nature, slanted and shallow.  Spending money trying to swing these voters is useless.

Campaign ads, then, are not for Smart undecided voters.

C) Dumb undecided voters. If you eliminate the die-hards on either side and the intellectuals in the middle, you’re left with nothing but the independent morons of America.

These voters “swing” and by that I mean they literally go to parks and swing for fun.  They probably say “weeeeee!” and cry when they can’t get balloons.

These are the voters that fall for campaign commercials.  They see the black and white picture of the opposing candidate and hear the scary music and read the brief, angry blurbs … and they believe it.  “Obama wants to take my money and give it to drug addicted single mothers so they can get recreational abortions!?”  “John McCain favors invading Mexico so he can import even more illegals?!”

I better go out and vote!

The vast majority of our donated campaign money goes towards marshaling these voters.

Democracy in this country is a battle for the hearts and minds of the functionally retarded with campaign commercials being used as the ammunition.

Doesn’t it make sense, then, to eliminate them from the equation?  If we take away the ads that run on TV and radio, and keep the debate dry and boring, it will, by default, create a country in which the smart independents decide who gets to govern us.

So let’s do it!  Let’s ban campaign commercials and disenfranchise the stupid.  We’ll all be better off, don’t you think?

Clacked by Jay Black
on Sep 19, 2008 @ 20:07 EST5EDT