Ah, baseball! Just the mere mention of the word conjures up sounds and smells from days of yore. The aroma of fresh cut grass, for instance. Or the sound of pine against the rawhide of the ball. Oh, and we can’t forget the scent of a player on the verge of roid rage.
Then there’s the food. You can’t step onto a stadium concourse without hearing the sizzle of a grill, or smell the sweet aroma of a sausage and pepper sandwich. In fact, over the last few decades, food has become a very important part of the professional baseball experience. While the hot dogs and peanuts remain, franchises in both the major and minor leagues have gone to great lengths to make your stadium dining unique.
Take, as an example, the West Michigan Whitecaps – a Class A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers. This season the Whitecaps introduced a brand new burger to their menu. But, not just ‘a’ burger. Think of five Whoppers smushed together, combined with seven Big Macs, and you’ll get a fair idea of how big this burger is.
It’s called the Fifth Third Burger. Five 1/3 pound beef patties, five slices of American Cheese, chili, nacho cheese, fritos, salsa, and sour cream all on an 8-inch round sesame seed bun. Oh yeah, they also found room for some lettuce and tomatoes as well. Total it all up and it’s a four pound monstrosity! It’s also a whopping 4800 calories, which is the equivalent of several years’ worth of meals for, say, Paris Hilton.
The price for this massive piece of cholesterol is not cheap: around $20. On the upside, if you can finish it all in one sitting, the Whitecaps will give you a free T-Shirt. This is a great idea as it’ll cover your head while they bring your bloated body out on a stretcher after your massive coronary incident. In summary, it’s a gut-busting, artery-clogging, two-book bathroom burger that could probably be consumed during the entire baseball game, as well as the next three away games.
Here’s the thing about this burger: I wonder if it’s all worth it? First, with so many condiments oozing at the edges of the bun, I’m sure this isn’t a hand-held burger. Hell, It can’t even be handled with two hands! This is a fork-and-knife deal, or possibly a chain saw and spatula situation. In other words, it’s messy.
This is not a good idea for a baseball game. I mean, have you ever used a napkin from a stadium? They’re usually those tiny, one-ply jobs that never get your hands clean. With the Fifth Third Burger you’re looking at using two or three packages of those napkins. Now, that can’t be good for the environment, can it? Plus, if you can’t use your hands, how are you going to eat this at your seat? Balancing the burger precariously on your lap while trying to cut it will result in twenty dollars falling down several rows of stairs.
I’ll be curious on how the Fifth Third Burger works out for the Whitecaps. While I guess it can be considered fast food I think it’ll be more wasted food as those who purchase it will abandon the sandwich either because they’re full or they have a numb sensation down the left side of their arm. I’m thinking there will be more of the latter.
Clacked by Richard Keller 
on Apr 15, 2009 @ 14:00 EST5EDT
